Brilliant one liner quotes

35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

01/22/2024 by Roy Sutton

I love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them, then please share this post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

You might like to try these free games too:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, Clever one liners, fun, funny, funny quotes, Hilarious, humor, humour, quotes, witty one liners, Witty Quotes

Wedded Wit: 50 Funny Jokes About Marriage

08/29/2023 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some jokes about marriage, dear reader?

Let’s face it, marriage is a goldmine for creators of humorous content.

Marriage: It’s a bit like signing up for a comedy show that lasts a lifetime, surely? One day you’re exchanging sweet nothings, and the next, you’re arguing over how a towel should be folded.

I mean, seriously! If someone had told me years ago that “happily ever after” involved a debate on the proper way to squeeze a toothpaste tube, I’d have suggested they were crazy.

But here we are, exploring the grand theatre of matrimonial reality as it is today.

So, whether you’re hitched now, about to be, or cleverly avoiding it, these jokes on offer in this post might just tickle you.

Without further ado, let’s dive into the hilarious world of marriage – it’s cheaper than therapy and much more fun! Here are 50 short, witty jokes about marriage.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Jokes about marriage (1-10):

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.
Marriage: where dating ends and guessing begins.
Marriage is grand. And divorce? Probably 100 grand.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
My husband dresses to kill. He cooks the same way too.
The secret to a happy marriage? That remains a mystery.
Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A good husband always forgives his wife when he’s wrong.
Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks, and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks, and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak, and the neighbours listen.

Jokes about marriage (11-20):

Marriage means commitment. Then again, so does insanity.
My wife and I were blissfully happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Before marriage, we expect a lot. After marriage, we accept a lot.
Married men don’t live longer than single men. It just feels longer.
I told my wife that I needed more space. So, she locked me outside.
Marriage lets you annoy that one special person for the rest of your life.
If you want your wife to listen to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I married Miss Right. What I didn’t realise was her first name was Always.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
WIFE: “Dear, do you think I’ve put on too much makeup?” HUSBAND: “Well, it depends. Are you trying to scare the kids or join a group of clowns?”

Jokes about marriage (21-30):

Marriage tip: Don’t laugh at your spouse’s choices because you’re one of them.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 50 pounds.
When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s always a reason.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
When you’re married, you don’t need a calendar. Your wife reminds you about everything.
What’s a husband’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
If at first, you don’t succeed then you’d be wise to try doing it the way your wife told you.
What’s the difference between a husband and a pet? After a year, the pet is still excited to see you.
WIFE: “I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.” HUSBAND: “Why not just throw it in the trash?” WIFE: “But there are poor starving people who could really use all these clothes.” HUSBAND: “Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.”

Jokes about marriage (31-40):

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his wallet open.
A wife is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that he’s probably too old to do it.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he’s just cleaned the whole house.
Ladies, if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead and get married.
My wife and I decided that we didn’t really want kids. However, the kids have taken it harder than we expected.
Married life is all about compromise. My wife wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So, we compromised and got a cat.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s annoyed.
Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening to you.
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV channel.

Jokes about marriage (41-50):

Marriage is a war where you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is a wonderful invention but then so is a corkscrew.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
WIFE: “Why do you keep reading our marriage certificate?” HUSBAND: “I was wondering whether there are any loopholes.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So, I bought her nothing.
WIFE: “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” HUSBAND: “How can I? I don’t even know her that well.”
HUSBAND: “Honey, I have a problem.” WIFE: “Darling, don’t say you have a problem. We’re married now, so it’s our problem.” HUSBAND: “Right then, our secretary is pregnant.”

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these short, witty jokes about marriage, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day. Thank you.

If you fancy some more laughs then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, Clever one liners, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes about marriage, Life, quotes, very clever one-liners

25 clever one-liners that’ll make you smile

08/28/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re anything like me dear reader then you’ll love clever one-liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to have a laugh.

Clever one-liners:

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine
Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
I hate sitting in traffic because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
Conjunctivitis.com: That’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine
Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones
My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay
The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
Do you know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, Clever one liners, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, quotes

30 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll make you smile

08/26/2023 by Roy Sutton

I shared some brilliant one-liner quotes recently and the feedback from readers was very positive.

In fact, the feedback was so positive that I thought I’d share some more with you.

So here’s another batch from the collection in my journal.

I’m confident that this batch of brilliant one-liner quotes will have you smiling. So please take a few minutes to enjoy them all. And of course, have a great day.

And don’t forget to pass them on.