25 clever one-liners that’ll make you smile

08/28/2023 by

clever one-linersIf you’re anything like me dear reader then you’ll love clever one-liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to have a laugh.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine
  2. Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
  3. I hate sitting in traffic because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
  4. Conjunctivitis.com: That’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine
  5. Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
  6. My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
  7. The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey
  8. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
  9. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
  10. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones
  11. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
  12. The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
  13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper
  14. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
  15. It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
  16. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay
  17. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
  18. Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
  19. Do you know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones
  20. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  21. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
  22. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill
  23. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
  24. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
  25. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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30 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll make you smile

08/26/2023 by

brilliant one-liner quotesI shared some brilliant one-liner quotes recently and the feedback from readers was very positive.

In fact, the feedback was so positive that I thought I’d share some more with you.

So here’s another batch from the collection in my journal.

I’m confident that this batch of brilliant one-liner quotes will have you smiling. So please take a few minutes to enjoy them all. And of course, have a great day.

And don’t forget to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. 668 – The neighbour of the beast.
  2. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  3. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  4. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  5. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
  6. 50% of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class.
  7. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  8. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  9. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  10. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which we’ll die.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-20):

  1. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  2. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  3. Her silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
  4. Money’s not important but it’s up there with oxygen for sustaining life.
  5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  6. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  7. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give someone is a good, firm push.
  8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  9. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  10. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (21-30):

  1. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  2. To err is human; to blame it on somebody else shows you have a talent for politics.
  3. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  4. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
  5. Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are even stupider than that.
  6. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  7. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  8. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  9. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  10. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Please share this post with your friends:

brilliant one-liner quotesIf you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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33 very clever one liners guaranteed to make you smile

08/25/2023 by

33 very clever one-linersI’m always impressed with very clever one-liners. I can’t resist those short, sharp witty remarks that always make me smile. So naturally, I collect them, noting them down in my journal every day.

Today I thought I share some very clever one-liners I’ve heard recently. They’re all quite brilliant in my opinion.

So take a couple of minutes to enjoy them all.

Very clever one-liners (1-11):

  1. How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
  2. I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.
  3. I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.
  4. Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.
  5. Exaggerations went up by one million per cent last year.
  6. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.
  7. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  8. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  9. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
  10. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  11. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Very clever one-liners (12-22):

  1. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
  2. Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
  3. My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”
  4. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  5. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
  6. I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
  7. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
  8. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
  9. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  10. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  11. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Very clever one-liners (23-33):

  1. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  2. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
  3. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
  4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  5. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said, “Don’t mention it.”
  6. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
  7. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
  8. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  9. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
  10. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” To which the doctor replied, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
  11. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

Please share this post with your friends:

33 very clever one-linersIf you enjoyed these very clever one-liners, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day. Thank you.

If you fancy some more laughs then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

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35 short but brilliant one-liner quotes you’ll love

08/19/2023 by

35 BRILLIANT ONE LINER QUOTESI love brilliant one-liner quotes. In fact, whenever I come across some good ones I always make a note of them in my journal. Naturally, I review what I’ve collected occasionally and I thought today I’d share my most recent collection with you, dear reader.

So here are some short but brilliant one-liner quotes that I’m confident you’ll love.

Enjoy them all.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-20):

  1. When in doubt, mumble.
  2. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  3. No one’s listening until you fart.
  4. Is it bad luck to be superstitious?
  5. I want to live forever. So far, so good.
  6. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
  7. I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
  8. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
  9. There are no real winners in life, only survivors.
  10. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
  11. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
  12. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  13. If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you!
  14. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
  15. For every action, there’s a corresponding over-reaction.
  16. You should laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
  17. Research confirms that 4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
  18. I don’t have a solution, but I can offer a critical comment.
  19. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
  20. Life is like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (21-35):

  1. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  2. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  3. People make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  4. The best way to lie is to tell a carefully edited version of the truth.
  5. I know God’s watching me, so the least I can be is entertaining.
  6. People who smile in a crisis have found someone else to blame.
  7. God must really love stupid people. He’s made so many of them.
  8. Laugh and the world laugh with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
  9. We’re all part of the ultimate statistic – 10 out of 10 people will die.
  10. We live in a society where pizza gets to our house before the police.
  11. Progress is made by lazy people looking for easier ways to do things.
  12. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
  13. The hardest thing about success is finding someone who’s pleased for you
  14. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
  15. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy more interesting posts then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to inspire you.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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