jokes

5 funny short stories for seniors that’ll raise a smile

06/25/2023 by Roy Sutton

Here are five funny short stories for seniors that should raise a smile or two. They all made me laugh and I hope they brighten your day too.

Funny Short Stories for Seniors:

1. Fading memories:

An elderly couple, George and Mildred, began to notice that they were getting a lot more forgetful in their old age. Naturally, they thought it might be a good idea to discuss the problem with their doctor.

The doctor reassured them that this was quite a common experience for people as they got older and he suggested that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

When they got home, Mildred asked George to get her a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen refrigerator.

“Should I write that down for you, George?” she said.

“No, Mildred. I’m sure I’ll remember a bowl of ice cream,” George responded.

“OK, George,” said Mildred “but I want some whipped cream with my ice cream too. Should I write that down?”

“No,” said George. “I’ll remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.“

“George, I’d love a cherry on top too,” said Mildred. “Should I write that down?”

“No, I got it,” said George. “You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So George disappears into the kitchen to get the ice cream and he then spends an unusually long time there before returning about 40 minutes later.

He returns to the living room and hands Mildred a plate of eggs and bacon.

Mildred stares at the plate momentarily and then she looks at George.

“Where’s the toast?” she asks.

2. Pronunciation problem:

Jeff and Mary, a middle-aged couple, are driving through Louisiana when they come to the small city of Natchitoches.

Neither of them had ever been there before and they started arguing about how the name of the city is pronounced.

Needless to say, both of them thought they knew best and they kept on bickering until eventually, they decided to stop for lunch.

At the counter, Jeff smiled at the pretty, young waitress and said, “Mam, before we order, could you help us settle an argument, please?”

The young waitress smiled and said, “Sure! How can I help you, honey?”

“Could you please pronounce where we are right now, very slowly?” said Jeff.

The young waitress leaned over the counter and said, “Yes sir! It’s Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.“

3. Cash withdrawal:

A guy goes into his bank and withdraws $5,000 cash in $20 bills.

The teller counts out the cash in front of him and then wraps a rubber band around the cash bundle before she hands it to him.

He quickly stuffs the wad of cash in his pocket before leaving the bank in a hurry.

When he reaches his car, he puts his hand in his pocket to grab the cash but it’s not there. He hadn’t been close enough to anyone for his pocket to have been picked, so he realised the cash must have fallen through a hole in his jacket.

All he can do is retrace his steps.

He gets all the way back to his bank and there’s an elderly lady on the street who says to him, “Sir, did you lose some cash bound with a rubber band?”

“Why yes mam, I did,” says the guy. “Have you found it?”

“Well,” said the lady, “I’ve found the rubber band.”

4. Rules of engagement:

Mack and Mabel are an elderly couple who’ve been courting for over forty years.

Finally, they decide it was about time they got married.

However, first, they decided it was important to agree on how their relationship in marriage would work.

So, they had a series of discussions on income, finances, cooking, cleaning, bedroom arrangements and everything else that would affect them both in the years ahead.

Finally, Mack thought it was important to discuss how the physical side of their relationship would work.

“How do you feel about sex?” Mack asked Mabel.

“Well,” said Mabel, choosing her words carefully, “I would like it infrequently.”

Mack thought about it momentarily and then asked, “Was that one word or two, Mabel?”

5. Bill’s quest:

Bill was driving down a remote country road one day. He’s in the middle of nowhere, a long way from home when, as luck would have it, his car breaks down near a monastery.

So Bill walks over to the monastery and knocks on the door.

The door is opened by one of the monks and Bill explains his predicament.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” says Bill, “but I’m a long way from home, my car’s broken down and I can’t get a repairman today because it’s Sunday. Would it be possible for me to stay the night, here at the monastery?“

Bill is graciously accepted by the monks and they’re happy for him to spend the night there. He’s invited to have dinner with them and, as they’re very resourceful, they even fix his car for him.

After Bill has retired to his room for the night, and as he’s trying to fall asleep, he hears a strange but seductive sound.

It’s a sound, unlike anything he’s ever heard before.

It’s a sound so seductive that Bill is reminded of the Sirens of Greek mythology, who lured sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast.

Well, Bill cannot sleep that night for thinking about what he’s just heard. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a strange but seductive sound.

As you’d expect, at breakfast, Bill feels compelled to ask the monks about the sound he’d heard during the night.

The Abbot, sitting at the head of the table, smiles benevolently at Bill and responds to his question by saying, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is really disappointed by this response but he thanks the monks for their hospitality and, having finished breakfast, he leaves the monastery.

However, the matter doesn’t end there.

Bill cannot forget the hypnotic allure of this beautiful, seductive sound. So, a year later, he just has to go back to the monastery and plead with the monks to tell him more about this strange sound.

Once again, the response from the Abbot is, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is desperate, so he says to the Abbot, “Look if the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”

“Before you can join our monastery,” says the Abbot, “you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are in total and the exact number of grains of sand there are too. When you’ve found the answers to these questions, only then will you be ready to become a monk.“

Bill realises it won’t be easy but, nevertheless, he sets about his task with the aim of becoming a monk.

Years later, he’s now getting old, but Bill is back knocking on the door of the monastery.

The door is answered and Bill is taken to the Abbot.

“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I’ve travelled the earth as you requested,” says Bill. “Reflecting on the questions you asked me to answer, I’ve come to realise that the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception.“

“Congratulations!” says the Abbot. “You’re now ready to become a monk and join our monastery.”

“Can I now know the mystery of the sacred sound?” asks Bill.

“Indeed you can,” the Abbot responds. “Follow me.”

The Abbot then leads Bills down a long, dark corridor, at the end of which is an old wooden door.

“The source of the sound is beyond this door,” says the Abbot, as he hands Bill a key.

Bill then opens the door, only to find that behind it is another door made of stone.

The Abbot hands Bill another key and he opens it, only to find yet another door this time one that is encrusted with emeralds.

Well, the process goes on and Bill finds a series of doors, encrusted with various precious gems, including pearls, sapphires, rubies and diamonds. He’s given keys for each and he opens each one.

Finally, Bill reaches a door that is made of solid gold.

He can now hear the strange and seductive sound clearly as the Abbot hands him the final key.

“This is the last key to the last door,” says the Abbot. “On the other side of this door is the source of the sound that has enchanted you so much, for so long.”

Bill is feeling a little apprehensive at this point, after all, the answer he’s been seeking for so long is behind this door.

With trembling hands, Bill unlocks the door, turns the knob, and pushes the door open, slowly.

He falls to his knees in amazement, as he finally discovers the source of that haunting, seductive and beautiful sound.

And what is the source?

Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny short stories for seniors as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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5 short funny stories for adults looking for a smile

06/24/2023 by Roy Sutton

Here are five short funny stories for adults looking for a smile today. They all made me laugh and I hope they make you laugh too.

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The nudist beach:

Three men were visiting a nudist beach and it wasn’t long before they were engaged in conversation. Two of the men looked very happy to be there whilst the other man looked a little glum.

Naturally, their conversation quickly gravitated to a discussion about their respective jobs.

“I work on Wall Street,” said the first man smiling. “It’s well-paid work but the dress code is very formal and I have to wear a suit with a collar and tie daily. So this is a perfect vacation for me. I have the freedom to relax, feeling completely unrestrained.”

The second man smiled and said, “I’m with you there buddy. I’m a deep-sea diver and I’m usually weighed down with a diver’s suit, lead boots and a brass helmet. Being here on this beach is real freedom for me.”

The two men then looked at their unhappy companion and asked what he did for a living.

“I’m a pickpocket,” said the man, “and my therapist said I’d benefit from a holiday where I won’t have the opportunity to steal from people.”

2. The real deal:

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in Benidorm debating the merits of their favourite bars back home.

“In my local pub in London,” says the Englishman, “if I buy two pints of lager, I get the third pint for free. Now that’s a decent deal, you must admit.”

“That’s nothing!” says the Scotsman. “In the pub, I go to in Glasgow, if I buy two double whiskies, they’ll give me the third double whisky for free. That’s got to be an even better deal, surely?”

“Listen, boys,” the Irishman responds, “in my local pub in Dublin, if you buy five pints of Guinness, they’ll not only give you the sixth pint for free but if you go upstairs, you can have sex for free too.”

The Englishman and the Scotsman look at each other quizzically before the Englishman says, “Really? Has that happened to you?”

“Well, no,” says the Irishman, “but it happens to my sister all the time.”

3. Crossing the raging river:

Jim, Bill, and Mike are three friends out walking in the countryside when they arrive at a wide and raging river.

Naturally, they need to get across, but they have no idea how to achieve the crossing successfully.

Jim, being a believer in the good Lord, immediately prays to God. “Please God give me the strength to cross this raging river.”

Suddenly there’s a POOF sound and Jim’s arms and legs are transformed into powerful limbs that allow him to swim across the river in less than an hour.

Seeing this, Bill decides to pray too. “Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this raging river in a way easier than swimming.”

Suddenly there’s a POOF sound and there before Bill is a kayak which allows him to row across the river in less than 30 minutes.

Having witnessed events so far, and seeing how it works, Mike decides to pray too. “Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this raging river in the easiest way possible.”

Suddenly there’s a POOF sound and Mike is turned into a woman. She checks her map, walks 100 yards along the riverbank and walks across the bridge.

4. Stranger in town:

The journey on horseback from Waco to Fort Worth is a long ride along a dusty trail and for any cowboy, it’s thirsty work.

So when George passed through a small town along the way he decided to stop at the saloon for a cold beer to quench his thirst.

Well, the locals were none too friendly to strangers passing through their town and George could sense a negative vibe immediately, as he tied up his horse to the post before walking through the saloon doors.

When he’d finished his beer, George walked outside and he was non-too-happy to discover that someone had stolen his horse.

So he walked back into the bar, drew his gun from its holster, spun it around his finger in an impressive fashion, and then shot a bullet straight through a whisky bottle standing at the other end of the long bar.

The place went silent and you could hear a pin drop, until George shouted, “Now which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?”

No one said anything. The place was deadly quiet.

George shouted menacingly, “Now you listen to me! I’m gonna sit here and have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’ve finished my drink then I’m gonna do what I dun in Waco. And I don’t want to have to do what I dun in Waco.”

The locals shifted nervously in their seats. They didn’t like strangers much but they liked trouble even less.

So when George had finished his beer, he looked outside and sure enough there was his horse tied to the post and waiting for him.

George saddled up and then started to ride slowly along Main Street.

The bartender had wandered outside and stood and watched George go.

“Hey partner,” said the bartender, “so what happened in Waco?”

George smiled and said, “I had to walk home!”

5. The Adoption Agency:

A married couple, Jim and Josephine, owned their own circus and one day they walked into an Adoption Agency.

Naturally, they explained their circumstances to the social worker.

The social worker looked a little puzzled. “Are you sure that a travelling circus is the best environment in which to bring up a young child?” he asked. “I mean all those dangerous animals and constantly being on the road?”

“The animals are all well trained,” Josephine responded, “and we have a state-of-the-art, sixty-foot motor home, with every comfort necessary.”

“But how would you educate the child?” asked the social worker.

“We’ve arranged a tutor,” said Jim. “He’ll teach all the regular academic subjects, as well as Spanish and computer programming.”

“And we’ll have a nanny,” Josephine added quickly. “She’s certified in pediatric care and child welfare and nutrition.”

The social worker had listened carefully and he was impressed.

“Well, you really do seem like an ideal couple,” he said. “What age of child did you have in mind?”

“It doesn’t really matter,” said Jim, “as long as they’re small enough to fit in the cannon.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these short funny stories for adults as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone’s a winner.

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

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5 hilariously funny jokes that’ll tickle you silly

06/23/2023 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you five hilariously funny jokes that will definitely tickle you, dear reader. Well, they certainly tickled me anyway. So take a moment or two to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Hilariously funny jokes:

1. Car trouble:

Jane was driving along Interstate 5 on her way to San Diego when her old car suddenly died on her. Naturally, she called out a local mechanic to help her.

The mechanic arrived and said, “Howdy mam, what seems to be the problem?”

“Well”, said Jane, “I was just driving along when suddenly I lost all power and the car came to a complete standstill.”

“Well let me just take a look for you mam”, said the mechanic.

At this point, he lifts the hood and gives the engine a cursory glance before whacking something very hard with a hammer.

“Try it now mam”, said the mechanic.

To Jane’s amazement, when she turned the key, the car burst into life again.

“That’s incredible!” said Jane. “You’ve been here for less than 30 seconds and you’ve already got it going again. I’m very grateful. Thank you.”

“All part of the service mam!” the mechanic responded, before adding, “That’ll be $250.”

Jane couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “How much?” she said. “How can it be $250 when all you did was hit something with a hammer?”

“Well mam”, said the mechanic, “I can produce an itemised bill if you like.”

“Yes please”, said Jane, “you do that! It’ll make interesting reading.”

So the mechanic started tapping something into an iPad and then he printed it out on a printer in his truck. He then handed Jane the bill. It read:

2. The new bus driver:

The new bus driver pulled his bus up at the bus stop and on stepped a giant of a man who said to the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before walking off and taking his seat.

Well Big John was aptly named, he really was a monster of a man and the driver was small and skinny, so he figured that a confrontation with Big John may not end well. Not for him anyway. So he let it go.

The next day the same thing happened. The bus stopped, Big John got on, and once again he told the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before going straight to his seat.

Again the new driver was reluctant to challenge him because of his size.

Well, this became a daily occurrence and increasingly the new bus driver began to resent being afraid of Big John.

So he decided to sign up for a bodybuilding class at his local gym. He figured that if he was more muscular he’d be equipped to challenge Big John and force him to pay the fare. This became an obsession with him and he worked hard on it.

Before long the bus driver had rippling muscles where once there had only been skin and bone. And as his physical appearance became more impressive, the driver felt confident and ready to confront Big John the next time he got on his bus.

Sure enough, at the usual stop, onto the bus stepped Big John, with his usual declaration, “Big John don’t pay!”

“Now just hold it there fella!” said the driver, ready and waiting for a confrontation. “And just why don’t Big John pay?”

Well, the situation was tense momentarily as Big John reached into his pocket and the driver began to wonder whether he’d done the right thing after all.

Then Big John smiled as he withdrew his hand from his pocket and said, “Because I’ve got this bus pass!”

3. Taking a mistress:

An artist, a lawyer and a computer nerd were discussing the merits of having a mistress.

“A mistress has energy and passion,” said the artist. “And there’s always the thrill of doing something that’s forbidden.”

“Well,” said the lawyer, “I must warn you that it could lead to a costly divorce and, in the worst case, bankruptcy. You’d have to ask yourself, is it worth it?”

“Well, I think taking a mistress was the best decision I’ve ever made,” said the computer nerd.

“Why?” asked the lawyer.

“Because my wife thinks I’m with my mistress and my mistress thinks I’m with my wife,” the computer nerd responded with a smile. “So, I get to spend my every night in peace on my computer!”

4. Keeping a secret:

A group of dinner party guests were discussing whether men or women are the more trustworthy.

Jack, a very opinionated, older man said bluntly, “Well, no woman can keep a secret.”

“That’s not true!” said Jane, a pretty, young blond sitting next to him.

“So, give me an example of when you’ve kept a secret then,” Jack responded.

“Well,” said Jane, “I’ve kept my age totally secret since I was 21.”

“Maybe,” said Jack, “but one day you’ll let it slip. You won’t be able to keep it secret forever.”

“I disagree,” Jane responded. “If I’ve managed to keep it secret for 15 years, then why couldn’t I keep it secret forever?”

5. Native American Chief:

Bill was studying for a Masters Degree in American Studies at the University of London. He loved American culture, so naturally, he was a regular traveller to the USA. In particular, he liked getting to know real America beyond the obvious tourist destinations.

On one trip he was staying in a hotel in Cheyenne, Wyoming when he saw an old Native American chief in full Native dress sitting in the lobby.

“Wow, who’s that?” Bill asked the desk clerk.

“Oh, that’s Chief Elephant’s Memory,” the clerk responded.

“Why’s he called Chief Elephant’s Memory?” asked Bill.

“Because he’s 93 and he still has the most amazing memory. He never forgets anything,” said the clerk. “You might not believe this but he can actually remember every single detail of his life with immediate recall.”

“Really?” Bill said, intrigued by what he was being told.

So Bill walked up to the Chief and said, “Hi there, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve heard you have the most amazing memory. They say you can remember every detail of your life. Can you tell me what you had for breakfast on your eighteenth birthday?”

“Eggs”, replied the Chief quietly.

Bill was amazed at this response but as he walked away the desk clerk called him over and said, “Hey buddy when you speak to one of our Native Americans you don’t say ‘Hi there’, it’s common courtesy to address them by saying, ‘How!’.”

Bill thanked the clerk for putting him right and promised he’d remember that next time.

One year later Bill’s back in Cheyenne again. He’s in the same hotel when he spots the same old Native American chief sitting in the lobby.

Remembering the desk clerk’s advice from his previous visit he walks up to the Chief and says, “How!”

“Sunny-side up”, the Chief responded.

Please share this post with your friends:

So did these hilariously funny jokes prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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5 short funny stories that’ll make you laugh

06/22/2023 by Roy Sutton

Here are five short funny stories that will bring a smile to your face for sure. Enjoy them all and then please pass them on.

Short Funny Stories:

1. A spare seat at the Super Bowl:

It’s the Super Bowl, and Bill has a ticket for a front-row seat. As he takes his seat, he notices the seat next to him is empty, surprisingly.

He leans over and speaks to the guy on the other side of this vacant seat.

“Do you think someone will be sitting here?” says Bill.

“No,” said his neighbour, “this seat will be empty today.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” says Bill. “Who would have a ticket for the Super Bowl and not use it? It’s a front-row seat!”

“Actually, the ticket is mine,” said his neighbour. “I bought it for my wife, but sadly she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we’ve not watched together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that,” says Bill. “That’s very sad, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to join you?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

2. The parrot with attitude:

Jane walked past her local pet store every day on her way to work. And every day a parrot, placed in a cage out front, says to her, “Mam, you’re ugly!”

Well, Jane let this pass for a while but it began to irritate her. So, naturally, she thought the best course of action would be to speak with the store owner.

On hearing her story, the pet store owner was extremely embarrassed and apologised to her.

He then reprimanded the parrot and promised Jane it would not happen again.

However, the very next day as Jane walked past the store, once again the parrot said to her, “Mam, you’re ugly!”

Well, Jane was very upset by this and immediately threatened the pet store owner with a lawsuit, if it happened again.

Naturally, the last thing he needs is a lawsuit filed against him, so now he’s not happy either.

He takes the parrot into the alley at the back of the store where there’s a dumpster and he says, “Now you listen to me, buddy! You tell that lady she’s ugly one more time and I will break your neck and throw your body into that dumpster. Do you hear me?”

The parrot nods and the pet store owner takes it back out front.

The following day as Jane walks past the front of the store she stares at the parrot and she hears …… nothing.

Jane smiles and walks on, but as she’s disappearing into the distance, she hears the parrot behind her say, “Mam, you know what I’m thinking!”

3. A gorilla needs a drink:

A gorilla walks into a very trendy, hip bar in Manhattan.

“So, buddy, what can I get you?” asks the bartender.

“Give me a large bottle of Oud Beersel’s Bzart Lambiek, please,” the gorilla responds.

“Sure,” says the bartender, “That’ll be $125, please.”

The gorilla pays with his Visa card, and he then settles down at the counter to enjoy his very expensive drink.

After a few moments, the bartender says, “You know, buddy, we don’t get many gorillas drinking in here.“

The gorilla smiles and then says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

4. David Hasselhoff in a bar:

David Hasselhoff walks into a trendy bar in Manhattan and orders a drink.

“Yes, sir, Mr Hasselhoff,” says the bartender, “coming right up.”

“Hey, man, just call me Hoff” the screen legend replies.

“Sure,” replies the bartender. “You don’t need the hassle.”

5. The birth of a military tradition:

At an Army camp in Biloxi, Mississippi, the newly appointed Commander is inspecting facilities.

As he’s walking around the camp, he notices a soldier who appears to be guarding a bench on the side of the parade ground.

The Commander walks over and asks the soldier what he’s doing.

“Sir! I’m guarding this bench. Sir!” the soldier responded, immediately and respectfully.

“Why, soldier?” the Commander inquired, slightly puzzled.

“Sir! The last Commander issued an order that this bench must be guarded at all times. Sir!” said the soldier.

“Yes, but why?” said the Commander, even more puzzled.

“Sir! It’s a tradition. Sir!” said the soldier.

Now, this situation made the Commander really curious, but as he knew his predecessor well, he decided to call him.

“Hey Jim,” said the Commander to his predecessor on the telephone. “When you were here in Biloxi, you issued an order for a bench on the parade ground to be guarded at all times. I was wondering why?”

“To be honest Mike, I’m not sure why,” said the Commander’s predecessor. “My predecessor had issued the same order and I just carried on with that tradition.”

The Commander was a thorough man, and he decided he would get to the bottom of this story to establish the reason.

Conversations followed with six more of his predecessors until eventually, he got through to the man who had issued the original order.

He spoke on the telephone with a retired General, who was now in his 90s.

“Sir, I’m Mike Gomez and I’ve recently been appointed Commander at Biloxi and I was wondering why you issued an order to place a guard by the bench on the parade ground, some 50 years ago?” said the Commander.

“What?” the old General responded, slightly puzzled. “Is the paint on that bench still wet?”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these short funny stories as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share short funny stories, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, funniest jokes, funny, funny joke, funny jokes, Funny Story Jokes, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, short funny stories

6 funny long jokes that’ll make you smile

06/20/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you like telling your friends funny long jokes and you’re looking for some ammunition then here are six good ones that should make your friends smile.

Funny long jokes:

1. A face at the window:

Bill and Bobby Joe were leaving their local bar one night after a session of heavy drinking.

They’re both staggering, and they fall into Bobby Joe’s station wagon and he starts it up.

With the engine running and Bobby Joe still fumbling around in the driver’s seat, suddenly the face of an old man appears in the window on the passenger side, and he’s tapping lightly on the window.

It is pitch black out there and being taken completely by surprise, naturally this spooks Bill. So in reaction, he screams, “Oh my God, there’s a ghost!”

Well, Bill’s remark spooks Bobby Joe too, so he puts his foot down and the station wagon begins to accelerate.

Bobby Joe can see the speedometer needle moving and yet, the face of the old man remains there in the window.

So Bill lowers the window and says, “What do you want, old man?”

“You got any tobacco?” the old man asks, softly.

Bill offers him a cigarette, and then shouts, “Step on the gas, Bobby Joe, and let’s get the hell out of here!”

Well, the speedometer on the station wagon is approaching 80, and Bobby Joe looks at it and says, “We’ll be fine, he can’t catch us now.”

Suddenly they hear the tapping on the window again, and it’s the same old man.

So, Bill rolls down the window once again and says, “What is it now?”

“Have you got a light?” the old man asks, politely.

Bill lights the man’s cigarette and then shouts, “Bobby Joe, step on it!”

So, Bobby Joe presses the accelerator hard down to the floor and watches as the speedometer exceeds 100 miles per hour.

Once again Bobby Joe remarks, “We’ll be fine Bill, he can’t catch us now.”

Well, a minute or two passes, and they hear that tapping on the window again.

Bill lowers the window and screams, “What the hell is it now, old man?”

“Your wheels are still spinning in the mud,” the old man responds softly, pointing to the rear of the vehicle.

2. The stakeout:

Rookie police officer, Jim Smith, has been assigned the role of staking out a local bar one night watching out for potential DUI violations.

As the evening draws to a close, he watches as one young man staggers out of the bar and tries his keys in five different cars before finding his own.

The young man fumbles for a few minutes, as Officer Smith keeps an Eagle eye on him, and eventually, the car door opens and the young man falls into the driver’s seat.

Officer Smith watches the young man like a hawk, waiting to pounce, as other patrons start leaving the bar and driving off in their cars.

Eventually, the young man gets his car started and attempts to drive away.

At that point, Officer Smith makes his move and pulls him over.

“Sir, I must caution you that I suspect you’re driving under the influence and I need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me, please,” Officer Smith says politely but very firmly.

The young man does as requested and then hands the breathalyzer back to Officer Smith for checking.

Officer Smith looks closely at the blood-alcohol content score and it measures zero.

Officer Smith is puzzled by this outcome and demands to know what’s going on.

The young man smiles and says, “Sir, tonight it was my turn as designated decoy.”

3. The black bear:

A big black bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

“I’m sorry,” the bartender responds, “but we don’t serve bears beer in this bar. That’s our policy.“

Well, the bear is not amused. It rears back a little and then growls, “I don’t care about your policy. I’m a bear and I want a beer.”

The bartender remains calm, smiles, and then replies, “I get it, you’re not happy, but as I said, we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar.”

The bear stands up at full height, raises its massive paws and howls, “I’m a bear and I want a beer! And if I don’t get me a beer now, I will eat one of your customers.“

The bartender remains unfazed by the situation. He just smiles and says, “Listen, buddy, do whatever you gotta do but I won’t be serving you a beer.”

So, the bear walks down to the end of the bar grabs a gin-soaked, drunken lady sitting at the counter, and greedily eats her.

Once he’s finished eating her, he returns to face the bartender, looks him in the eye and declares, “Right, you’ve seen what I can do. I’m a bear, and I want a beer.“

The bartender is still unfazed.

“Listen, buddy,” he says, “I’ve told you already, we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar. And for that matter, we don’t serve drug addicts either.”

“DRUG ADDICT!” the bear roars, “What the hell are you talking about?”

The bartender looks the bear in the eye and says, “That was a bar-bitch-you-ate.”

4. The challenge:

Jerry was an Iron Man champion who also owned a bar just off the Las Vegas Strip.

Everyone in town knew that Jerry was the strongest man around and knowing that visitors to Las Vegas liked a bet, he used that to his advantage in attracting people into his bar.

On the counter, there was a big sign headlined Challenge Jerry. In the small print, it explained the bet was that anyone who could beat Jerry in a strongman challenge could win $1,000. The cost of the bet was $10.

In the challenge, Jerry would squeeze the juice from an orange into a glass. Once Jerry had squeezed the life out of the orange, challengers had to take the orange and see if they could squeeze any more juice from it.

Over the years truck drivers, lumberjacks, weightlifters and all sorts of tough guys had tried to beat Jerry in this challenge but, so far, no one had ever got the better of him.

One day a small, thin, weak-looking, middle-aged man with thinning hair and heavy-rimmed spectacles walked into the bar, slapped a $10 bill on the counter and said that he was willing to take up the challenge.

Everyone in the bar started laughing at the idea that this weak-looking, little man would have any chance of beating Jerry and walking out with the $1,000.

Jerry smiled at the man, picked up the $10 and said, “OK Buddy, you’ve got yourself a bet.”

He then picks up one of California’s finest and squeezes the juice out of it until the glass is almost full. What remained of the orange was then handed to the challenger.

The little man focused momentarily and then started squeezing as hard as he could with both hands. To everyone’s amazement, within seconds, half a dozen drops of juice dripped into the glass.

Jerry congratulated the man on his success and handed him $1,000.

“I’m impressed,” said Jerry. “What do you do for a living, buddy? I’m guessing you must be a lumberjack?”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I work for the IRS.”

5. The DEA Agent:

Steve McShane is an agent with the Drug Enforcement Agency based in Arizona and he’s had a tip-off that a farmer near Scottsdale is growing marijuana in one of his fields.

So McShane shows up at the farm one day unannounced and says to the farmer, “Hey buddy, I’m from the DEA and I’ve got a warrant to search your farm, as we suspect you of growing illegal narcotics.”

“Really!” the farmer says a little surprised, “I don’t know where you got that idea, but I guess I’ve got no choice but to let you do whatever you’ve got to do. However, I must warn you DO NOT go in the backfield.”

Well, McShane is a little put out by this last comment, so he pulls out his badge and says to the farmer, “Now listen old man, do you see this badge? Take a good look at it, buddy. This badge says I’m with the DEA. And with this badge, I’ve got access to all areas. Do you hear what I’m sayin’? No one or nothing can stop me. You got that?”

“Yes sir!” said the farmer.

With that Steve McShane heads straight for the backfield believing the farmer’s comment was an attempt to deflect him from looking in the place where the marijuana is being grown.

Within minutes the farmer sees the DEA man running as though his life depended on it. And it did, as McShane was being chased by the biggest, meanest, fastest bull you’ve ever seen.

As the bull closes on him, McShane screams at the farmer for help.

“SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!” shouts the farmer. “Just tell him it gives you access to all areas.”

6. Spelling Test:

Beryl’s married life had not been a happy one, and sadly one day, she passed away.

Suddenly, she finds herself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

“Hello, Beryl,” St Peter says, warmly. “You’ve done your best to lead a good and decent life, I know, so all I need is for you to spell one word correctly and you’ll be admitted to the kingdom of Heaven.”

“Right!” said Beryl. “And what word do I need to spell?”

“That word is love, Beryl,” St Peter responds. “Can you spell it for me?”

“Yes, of course,” said Beryl. “It’s L O V E.”

“Well done,” St Peter responds, “and welcome to the kingdom of Heaven.”

Beryl quickly settles into life in Heaven and finds a new sense of purpose in helping St Peter will his many duties.

St Peter begins to rely on her so much that one day, when he’s very busy, he asks her to deputize for him at the Pearly Gates, checking new arrivals.

As luck would have it, Beryl’s husband appears at the Pearly Gates whilst she’s on duty.

“Oh, it’s you,” says Beryl. “Well, I’ve got to tell you that you won’t be admitted to Heaven unless you can spell one word correctly for me. And you only get one chance to spell it perfectly.”

“Right!” says her husband. “And what word do I need to spell for you?”

“Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu,” Beryl responds, smiling brightly.

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4 funny jokes that won’t offend but will amuse you

06/17/2023 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you some very funny jokes that won’t offend anyone but they’ll definitely amuse you and your friends dear reader, of that I’m confident.

So take a moment to enjoy these three little gems. And of course, feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes that won’t offend:

1. Father Murphy:

Father Murphy looked uneasy as he attempted to greet the wedding guests at the entrance to St Bernadette’s Church.

He doesn’t say much and he looks uncomfortable but the congregation know him to be a bit shy.

As the bride arrives, Father Murphy makes his way to the altar and, as the couple approach, he gives the best speech anyone has ever heard.

Not only is it an excellent speech, full of wisdom and insight but he appears to be confident and he has everyone rolling on the floor laughing.

After the couple has made their vows and everyone is leaving, Father Murphy steps down from the altar and once again he becomes tongue-tied and shy and barely manages to say a word to anyone.

Feeling a little sorry for him, the groom says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking Father, but why are you so shy now? You seemed like a different person when you were up there giving that speech earlier.“

“I know“, Father Murphy responded, “but that was just my altar ego.”

2. Running out of gas:

Gerry is driving down the freeway when he runs out of gas.

He’s sitting there in the driver’s seat wondering what to do next when a bee flies in through his window.

“What seems to be your problem?” asks the bee.

“I’ve run out of gas“, Gerry replies.

“That’s unfortunate”, says the bee. “However if you wait here I can help you.”

The bee then flies off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all fly into his gas tank, leaving Gerry wondering exactly what’s going on.

After a few minutes, the swarm flies off and the bee says to Gerry, “Try it now.”

Gerry turns his ignition key and his car fires into action immediately.

“Wow!” Gerry exclaims. “What did you put in the gas tank?“

The bee smiles and says, “BP, of course.“

3. Wisdom of the Ancients:

The Native Americans on a remote reservation in Wyoming asked their new chief, Akecheta, whether the winter ahead was going to be mild or cold.

Now Chief Akecheta was a modern man, educated in a university, but he hadn’t been taught the old ways and the wisdom of his ancestors.

He looked into the sky, but he was unable to read the signs as to whether the winter would be cold or not.

Naturally, he didn’t want to lose credibility with the tribe so, to save face and be on the safe side, he just told them that the winter was going to be cold and that they should probably start gathering firewood to be prepared.

Now he may not have learned the ancient secrets, but Chief Akecheta was a wise and practical man. So, once he was on his own, he phoned the National Weather Service and asked them for their winter forecast.

“Well sir,” said the meteorologist, “our forecast suggests that it’s going to be quite cold.”

Feeling more confident now, Chief Akecheta went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.

“Does it still look like it is going to be very cold this winter?” he asked the meteorologist.

“Yes sir,” said the meteorologist. “It could be even colder than we first thought.”

So once again, Chief Akecheta went back to his people, and he ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, Chief Akecheta phoned the National Weather Service again.

“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” he asked the meteorologist.

“Yes sir,” said the meteorologist. “The signs are that it’s going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” asked Chief Akecheta.

“Well sir,” the meteorologist responded, “the Native American tribe up the road has been collecting a crazy amount of firewood recently.“

4. The lion enclosure:

It’s Jim’s first day on the job as a trainee zookeeper at London Zoo.

His boss wants to ease him into his duties gently so Jim’s given the fish to look after.

Unfortunately, Jim gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals and he manages to kill all the fish.

Worried that the mistake might cost him his job, Jim decides it might be easier to cover it up by gathering all the now-dead fish together and throwing them into the lion enclosure when no one’s looking.

After lunch, Jim’s boss asks him to feed the chimpanzees.

Unfortunately once again by mistake Jim gives them all the wrong food and manages to kill them off too.

Again he’s worried that he could lose the job he only started that very morning. So he decides on another cover-up. Once again Jim dumps all the bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no one’s looking.

Well, two major mistakes in one day were a little embarrassing, so in the late afternoon, Jim decides to sneak off early before he could do anything else wrong.

Sadly another disaster was waiting to happen.

When reversing his car he managed to back it into the apiary and in doing so crushed all the bees.

Left with little option Jim executed yet another cover-up. He scooped up the crushed bees and again through them all into the lion enclosure.

Jim then jumps into his car and heads for home.

The next day, the zoo has a new arrival. It’s a new lion transferred from Whipsnade Zoo.

“What’s it like here then?” the new lion asks the others in the lion enclosure.

“Not bad“, one replies, “there’s less space here than at Whipsnade but the food’s good. Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”

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35 that’s what she said jokes to raise a smile

06/15/2023 by Roy Sutton

Today I thought it might be amusing to explore some ‘That’s What She Said Jokes’.

This form of humour revolves around innuendo and double entendre.

Yes, it’s a bit silly and suggestive but it’s innocent and fun too, as it reflects the nature of human interaction and the way we find humour in the absurd. And, let’s face it, much of what passes for physical interaction between people can seem a little absurd when you think about it.

As with all humour, appropriateness and effectiveness depend largely on the audience and the context. So, I hope my audience today will appreciate this form of humour.

If for some reason this humour is not for you then I’ll try to offer you something more appropriate next time around.

In the meantime, for those who enjoy innuendo and double entendre, here are 35 That’s What She Said Jokes to brighten your day.

That’s What She Said Jokes (1-10):

That’s big. That’s what she said.
It looks horrible! That’s what she said.
I think it’s stuck. That’s what she said.
I’ve seen it all now. That’s what she said.
You can’t be serious. That’s what she said.
I can’t get a grip on it. That’s what she said.
That’s too much for me. That’s what she said.
Stop fiddling with them! That’s what she said.
Wow, it’s quite a handful. That’s what she said.
I don’t like the look of that. That’s what she said.

That’s What She Said Jokes (11-20):

You’re going to love these! That’s what she said.
Keep it to yourself, please. That’s what she said.
Well, that was disappointing. That’s what she said.
Not now, I’ve got a headache. That’s what she said.
Surely, you’re having a laugh. That’s what she said.
This is harder than I expected. That’s what she said.
I’ve never seen one that small. That’s what she said.
I’ve not seen one like that before. That’s what she said.
I didn’t think it would get this big. That’s what she said.
That’s not a game I’m willing to play. That’s what she said.

That’s What She Said Jokes (21-35):

I can’t keep holding it up like this. That’s what she said.
I’ve never done it this way before. That’s what she said.
It was over quicker than I thought. That’s what she said.
You’ll get better with more practice. That’s what she said.
Let’s take it out and see how it looks. That’s what she said.
I’m going to need two hands for this. That’s what she said.
It’s not as big as I thought it would be. That’s what she said.
You don’t get many of them to the pound. That’s what she said.
I love you dear but not enough to try that. That’s what she said.
If you think I’m doing that you can forget it. That’s what she said.
Goodness, this one’s got its own personality. That’s what she said.
You’re unlikely to find a pair bigger than these? That’s what she said.
As experiences go, that wasn’t much to write home about. That’s what she said.
There’s an easy way and a hard way. Let’s do it the easy way. That’s what she said.
It’ll take more than a skinny latte and a blueberry muffin to impress me. That’s what she said.

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33 Why Did jokes that are all full groan

06/11/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you like Why Did jokes then I have 33 for you today, dear reader, and I promise you that they’re all full groan.

Everyone a play on words designed to tickle your funny bone.

So, relax, take an unofficial break, and enjoy them all.

And if any of them did seriously tickly you then please, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Why Did Jokes (1-11):

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why did the computer go on a diet? Too many cookies.
Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
Why did the computer go to the dentist? It had Bluetooth.
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus.
Why did the banana go on a road trip? The a-peel of adventure.
Why did the pen refuse to write? Because it felt that way ink-lined.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
Why did the banana go to university? The a-peel of being well-educated.
Why did the tomato go out with a prune? Because it couldn’t find a date.

Why Did Jokes (12-22):

Why did the lamp go to school? Because it wanted to shine amongst its peers.
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems to solve.
Why did the computer go to the party? Because it wanted to dance the byte away.
Why did the banana go to the therapist? Because it had a split personality.
Why did the photographer start a blog? Because he wanted more exposure.
Why did the tomato leave the comedy club? Because all the jokes were tasteless.
Why did the tomato go on a night out? Because it wanted to paint the town red.
Why did the pen become a poet? Because it had an ink-credible way with words.
Why did the zombie win the dance competition? Because it had some killer moves.
Why did the scarecrow become a DJ? Because it had some a-maize-ing tracks to spin.
Why did the bicycle become a stand-up comedian? Because it was wheel-y funny.

Why Did Jokes (23-33):

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
Why did the computer become a musician? Because it had great keyboard skills.
Why did the tomato go to the party? To ketchup with friends and relish the good times.
Why did the tomato turn purple? Because it was trying to ketchup with the latest trends.
Why did the math student go into therapy? Because he had a lot of unresolved problems.
Why did the scarecrow become a tour guide? Because it knew all the best fields and gardens.
Why did the bicycle become a chef? Because it loved whipping up wheely delicious meals.
Why did the teacher bring a ladder to the classroom? To help his students reach new heights.
Why did the banana break up with the orange? Because they didn’t really a-peel to each other.
Why did the scarecrow become a detective? Because it had exceptional ability in solving corn-undrums.
Why did the math book become friends with the calculator? Because they both had problems to solve.

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30 knock knock jokes that are corny but fun

06/10/2023 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy ‘knock knock jokes’, dear reader?

Yes, they’re corny I know. However, they’re fun too. Clever wordplay is always fun and certainly, I find it amusing.

So, here are 30 knock knock jokes which I hope you will enjoy.

Grab a coffee, take an unofficial break, relax, and enjoy the smiles.

And when you’ve read them all, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Knock Knock Jokes (1-10):

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Wendy
Wendy who?
Wendy wind blows, the cradle will rock!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Honeybee
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and get the door, please!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the police, open up!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Alpaca
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Mikey
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole; can you open the door, please?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you and I always will!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cow says
Cow says who?
No silly, cow says moooo!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer peanuts!

Knock Knock Jokes (11-20):

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Icy
Icy who?
Icy you but you can’t see me!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who I am?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any more jokes left?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ivor
Ivor who?
Ivor question to ask you.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Nicholas
Nicholas who?
Nicholas women shouldn’t climb trees.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Luke
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you’ll see!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard you like a big hug?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Noah
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you!

Knock Knock Jokes (21-30):

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Harry
Harry who?
Harry up and answer the door!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any more cookies left?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Nana
Nana who?
Nana your business!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin the neighbourhood, and heard you needed a laugh!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you’re a poo!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and we’ll tell you!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Who
Who who?
Is there an owl in here?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Fuk
Fuk who?
No, Fuk Yu!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you got here!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alex the questions around here!

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Funniest Jokes 2023: Could these be the 5 of them?

06/09/2023 by Roy Sutton

Want to be the life and soul of the party, dear reader? Then here are 5 of the funniest jokes to tell your friends and make them laugh. They all made me laugh, that’s for sure.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And then please feel free to pass them on.

Funniest Jokes 2023:

1. The Test:

A teacher has prepared a test for two of her students.

Now one of these kids is very clever but the other one is a bit slow, to say the least.

The test has 10 questions and the teacher sits both students down in the classroom and gives them 45 minutes to complete the test.

Once completed by the students, the test papers are sent away for independent marking and assessment.

When the teacher receives the marked test papers back, she looks at the slow kid’s mark first. He’s been given 9 out of 10.

“That’s astonishing!” the teacher thinks to herself.

She then looks at the clever kid’s mark and he too has been given 9 out of 10.

“That can’t be right,” the teacher exclaims.

So she goes through the clever kid’s paper in detail.

The first nine questions he’s got all right. However, for the tenth question, he’s simply written, “Sorry mam, but I don’t know the answer to this question.”

So the teacher then goes through the slow kid’s paper in detail.

Again he’s got the first nine questions all right. And then for the tenth question he’s written, “I don’t know the answer either.”

2. Questionable weather:

Jane is arguing with her husband, Bill about the winter weather, precipitation and how they would describe the amount of moisture currently in the atmosphere.

“Well,” said Jane. “This to me is drizzle.”

“No,” Bill responded. “It’s heavy mist.”

This debate went on for a while and then, eventually, Jane suggested they ask the elderly man next door.

“Hey,” said Jane, “Rudolf’s a former Soviet communist from Russia. He’ll know all about bad weather.”

So they went next door and asked Rudolf for his opinion.

“It is drizzle,” Rudolf declared.

Needless to say, Bill felt a little put out, losing the argument in this way.

“Why should we accept his judgement anyway?” asked Bill.

Jane smiled and said, “Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!”

3. Communication breakdown:

Sister Elizabeth is walking down to breakfast in the convent one morning when she meets Sister Gillian.

“Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says Sister Gillian, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.”

In response, Sister Elizabeth smiles. She’s slightly puzzled by Sister Gillian’s comment but she lets it go.

As she proceeds down the corridor towards the dining room, she then bumps into Sister Julienne.

“Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says Sister Julienne, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.”

Though mildly irritated by hearing this comment a second time, once again she smiles and lets it go.

As she enters the dining room, Sister Elizabeth bumps into the Mother Superior.

“Good morning Sister Elizabeth,” says the Mother Superior, “it looks like you got out of the wrong side of the bed.”

“Why on earth do people keep asking me that question?” says Sister Elizabeth. “Have I been rude to anyone?”

“No, not at all,” replies the Mother Superior, “but you’re wearing the Bishop’s slippers.”

4. The wages of sin:

Mary is saying goodbye to her husband, John, as he nears death.

“My love,” said John. “Before I die, I must confess that I was once unfaithful to you with another woman. In our fifty years of marriage, it was once and only once, I swear. Please can you forgive me?”

Mary fidgets for a moment and then she reaches for the chest at the end of the bed. She opens the lid and takes out two ears of corn and a thousand dollars in cash.

Mary shows this to John and slightly bemused he asks, “What’s this?”

“Well John, I’ve been unfaithful too,” Mary responds. “And each time I had a lover I put an ear of corn in this chest.”

John is clearly upset momentarily but then he says, “Well, it was only twice. But what was the money for?”

Mary starts to weep and then she says, “Each time I got enough ears of corn for a bushel, I sold it.

5. The Good Samaritan:

Margarita had left her home in the small city of Campeche in Mexico for what she thought would be an exciting life in New York City.

However, the drudgery of life as a chambermaid, working in a third-rate hotel on 9th Avenue, proved to be a depressing experience.

She felt so depressed that one night she found herself standing on Brooklyn Bridge, contemplating throwing herself into the East River.

At that moment, a Good Samaritan came walking across the bridge in the shape of a handsome young man, named Tom.

“Hello, I’m Tom,” said the young man. “Please tell me what’s troubling you, mam.”

“Life in Manhattan, working as a chambermaid, it is so hard,” Margarita responded. “I wanted so much more. And I can’t go home now, so I have nothing to live for.”

“Look mam, the world is full of opportunity,” said Tom. “Hey, I’m a sailor and tomorrow we’ll be sailing to London, England. You could come too. I could stow you away on the ship and take care of you. I’ll bring you food each day and keep you happy.”

Margarita thought about it momentarily and she realised that she had nothing to lose, so she accepted Tom’s offer.

That night, Tom took her aboard the ship and hid her in a small, but surprisingly comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, each night Tom brought sandwiches and some red wine and after they’d eaten, he’d make love to her.

A few days later, during a routine inspection, the Captain discovered Margarita.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

“Sir, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,” replied Margarita. “He brings me food and he’s taking me to London, England on your ship.”

“Really?” the captain responded.

“Yes sir,” said Margarita. “He’s been taking advantage of me too, sir.”

“He certainly has, mam,” replied the Captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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