33 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

I love funny and clever one-liners, and over time, I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough, I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each quote if readers can enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally, then please let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile, dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners (1-11):

My mind’s made up; don’t confuse me with facts.

Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
Education is important, but other stuff is more importanter.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.

Clever One-liners (12-22):

I’ve got a great pizza joke, but I warn you, it’s very cheesy.
My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.

I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

When I was at school 52% of the class was good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
You know you’re fat when you step on a speak-your-weight scale and it says, “One at a time please!”
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings, but they didn’t know either.
If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm, and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
I got called pretty yesterday, and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I like to focus on the positive.

Clever One-liners (23-33):

I have a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words too!
I may be ugly now, but one day I’ll be rich enough for you to find me attractive.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.

Did you know that 50% of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class?
My buddies and I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t gotten a gig yet.
I’m a great multitasker. I can procrastinate, fret, and worry about it all at the same time.

I told my plant about my problems; it said I needed to grow a spine. Talk about photosympathy!
I once entered a pun contest. I submitted ten puns, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
My memory is terrible. On the plus side, watching reruns on television is always a new experience.

When my suitcases realized there’d be no vacation this year, it left me dealing with emotional baggage.
I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’ll be fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

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