Looking for some short jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got eight funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.
So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.
And please, feel free to pass them on.
Short Jokes:
1. The Brown Bear:
Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.
Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.
George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”
“George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.
“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”
With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”
Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.
2. The Efficiency Expert:
I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.
As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.
However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.
So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”
“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”
“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.
“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.
He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”
Such efficiency was impressive.
I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.
Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.
Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”
“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”
“How so?” I inquired.
“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”
“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
3. Goodtime Girl:
I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.
She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.
She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.
4. Car Park Incident:
I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.
I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”
5. Farming Logic:
A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.
The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.
“Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”
“That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”
“That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.
“A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?”
“Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”
6. The Counterfeiters:
A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.
However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.
The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.
“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”
“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”
“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.
“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”
So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.
Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.
Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“
The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“
7. The Thoughtful Husband:
Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.
“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“
“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”
“He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.
“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.
“In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.
“Really?” said Mabel.
“Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”
“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.
“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.
At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.
“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“
8. The Hearing Test:
Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.
He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“
There was no response.
So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“
Still, he got no response.
So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”
His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“
Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.
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