Funny Jokes

5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

08/17/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some entertaining jokes then here are five that should make you smile.

They all tickled me and I’m confident that you too will enjoy them, dear reader. I hope so anyway.

So, take a moment to have a laugh and then please feel free to pass them on.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Challenging times:

A pirate walks into a bar in Bermuda.

He walks up to the counter and the bartender says, “Hello matey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

“Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you,” says the bartender.

“Oh, that,” responds the pirate. “We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball but I’m fine now.”

“Really?” says the bartender. “What about the hook? What happened to your hand?”

“Well, we were in another battle and my hand got chopped off in a sword fight,” says the pirate. “However I got fitted with the hook and I’m fine now.”

“Seriously?” says the bartender. “But what about the eye patch?”

“Look, it’s nothing,” says the pirate. “One day we’re at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” says the bartender. “You lost your eye just from seagull poop?”

“It was my first day with the hook,” says the pirate.

2. Priorities:

Two businessmen, Jim and George, are playing golf.

They’re on the seventh tee and Jim is just about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the perimeter fence.

Jim immediately aborts his swing, takes off his hat, holds it to his chest, closes his eyes and bows his head in solemn contemplation.

When the funeral cortége has passed, George says, “That’s the most touching moment I’ve ever seen Jim. Clearly, you’re a man who’s willing to show his feelings.”

Jim quickly recovers his composure, smiles and then says, “Well, I was married to her for 35 years.”

3. Guilty:

Little Jane arrived home from school and said to her mom, “Mom, today in school I was punished for something I didn’t do.”

“That’s not right,” said her mom. “I’m going to speak to your teacher about this. What was it you didn’t do?”

Looking a little embarrassed little Jane replied, “My homework.”

4. Magician’s son:

On the first day of the new academic year, the school secretary was filling out forms relating to each student’s personal details.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” she asked little Johnny.

“He’s a magician, mam,” Johnny replied.

“A magician! Wow, that’s interesting,” the secretary said in response. “What’s his favourite trick?”

“He saws people in half,” said Johnny.

“Really? That’s amazing!” said the secretary. “Right, last question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes, mam,” Johnny responded. “I have two half-sisters.”

5. Tricky decision:

His Holiness the Pope, head of the Catholic Church, is visiting New York City.

Naturally, there’s a limousine waiting for him as he arrives at JFK.

After getting the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the chauffeur realises that the pontiff is still standing on the sidewalk.

“Oh, I’m so sorry your holiness,” says the chauffeur, “I was so busy, I didn’t realise you were still standing there. Please take your seat in the car and we’ll leave momentarily.”

“My son, if truth be told, it’s always been my ambition to drive in New York City,” says the Pope. “They never let me drive in Rome. Would it be possible for me to drive today? Just into the city? You’d be making an old man very happy.”

“Your Holiness, I couldn’t do that. I’d lose my job!” the chauffeur responds.

“Who’s going to know?” the Pope asks with a smile. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Reluctant though he was, eventually the chauffeur allows himself to be persuaded.

So with a beaming smile, the Pope climbs into the driver’s seat and the chauffeur takes a seat in the back of the car.

For once he’s as free as a bird, so the pontiff decides to make the most of the experience. He presses the pedal hard to the metal, the limo takes off and they hit the freeway doing 120 mph.

“Your holiness,” pleads the chauffeur, “you’ll get a ticket if you don’t slow down.”

Well, his holiness wasn’t listening. They’re really moving at high speed when suddenly they hear the sound of a police car siren.

“Oh, holy mother of Jesus,” says the worried chauffeur. “I’m definitely going to lose my job now.”

Naturally, the Pope has no choice but to pull over.

His holiness rolls down his window as police officer Mackenzie approaches the limo.

Officer Mackenzie just takes one look at the man in the driver’s seat and he turns and goes straight back to his car and gets on to the police radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief of Police now,” police officer Mackenzie says to the dispatcher.

After a few minutes, The Chief of Police is on the radio and police officer Mackenzie tells him that he’s stopped a limo doing 120 mph on the freeway.

“So what’s the problem? Just bust his ass!” says the Chief.

“Sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” police officer Mackenzie responds. “There’s someone really important in the car.”

“So? That’s all the more reason to bust him,” exclaims the Police Chief.

“No sir, I mean someone who’s really, really important,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“So, who’s in the car?” asks the Chief. “Is it the Mayor?”

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean a Senator?” asks the Chief.

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean the President?” exclaims the Chief.

“No sir. Even bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“Bigger than the President?” exclaims the Chief. “Well, who the hell is it?“

“Sir, I think it’s God,” police officer Mackenzie responds.

“GOD!” exclaims the Chief. “What makes you think it’s God?“

“Because his chauffeur’s the Pope!” says police officer Mackenzie.

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I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

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5 humorous story jokes to brighten your day

08/15/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy humorous story jokes then these five might just raise a smile.

They all tickled me and I hope you’ll enjoy them too, dear reader.

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends

Humorous story jokes:

1. The lawyer:

A wealthy New York lawyer is riding home in the back of a chauffeur-driven limousine after another lucrative day in the justice system.

As the limousine begins to gather speed along Central Park West, the lawyer notices two homeless men sitting on the ground in Central Park eating the grass.

The lawyer asks his driver to pull over and he lowers down the window and shouts to the men.

“Hey, guys,” shouts the lawyer, “why are you eating the grass?”

“We have no money to buy food and we’re hungry,” the first man responds.

“You don’t have to eat in the middle of the park,” says the lawyer, benevolently. “You can come over to my place.”

“But sir, we’re not alone,” said the second man, “Those two homeless guys over there are with us.”

“That’s fine,” the lawyer responds. “Hop into my car and you can all eat at my place.”

So the homeless men all climb into the limousine and off they go to the lawyer’s house.

As the car picks up speed, the first homeless man says, “Sir, this is very kind of you.”

“Don’t mention it,” says the lawyer. “You’ll love my place, the garden’s enormous and the grass is a foot high.”

2. The police officer and the priest:

Police officer, Danny Malone, pulls over a catholic priest for driving erratically and swerving all over the road.

Officer Malone gets out of his police car and, as he approaches the window of the priest’s car, he notices what looks like a bottle of wine in a brown bag on the passenger seat next to the priest.

Suspicious that he may have a DUI violation on his hands, Officer Malone says, “Father, I pulled you over for driving erratically and swerving back there. You haven’t been drinking have you?“

“No, my son, I haven’t,” the priest responds. “Why would you ask me that?“

“Well you were swerving all over the road and struggling to control your vehicle,” says Officer Malone. “And now I can see you have a bottle on the seat next to you.“

“Oh my son,” the priest responds. “That’s just holy water.”

“So why is it in a brown bag, Father?” Officer Malone inquires.

“To protect it from the sun’s rays, my son,” the priest responds

“Really?” says Officer Malone. “Would you mind if I take a sip then, Father?”

“Not at all, my son,” the priest responds. “Go ahead.”

Officer Malone takes the bottle from the priest and puts it to his lips. He takes a little sip and immediately spits it out on the ground.

“Father, this is wine!” exclaims Officer Malone.

“Praise the Lord!” the priest responds. “He’s done it again!”

3. Think laterally:

Zak is an old farmer down on his luck.

He’s been struggling to maintain his farm on his own since his son, Jack was sent to jail.

One day Zak writes to Jack in jail to let him know he’s struggling, and he writes the following: –

Dear Jack, I just wanted to let you know that this year I won’t be able to plant potatoes in the field. I’m just getting too old now and I can’t dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you’d help me.

Naturally, Jack doesn’t want his father to experience any more trouble, so he quickly writes a letter back to him.

Dear Dad, Please don’t even think about digging that field because that’s where I buried the money I stole from the bank.

Well, when you’re in prison the authorities read the content of your letters before they go out in the mail.

So, it’s not long before the police show up at the farm and turn over the entire field in search of the stolen money. However, they don’t find anything.

A couple of days later Zak receives another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Now the field’s been dug over, you should be able to go ahead and plant the potatoes. That’s the best I could do to help from here.

4. The hangover:

Following a very heavy night out with his buddies, Jerry wakes up at home the following morning with the mother of all hangovers.

His head is banging and as he forces his eyes to open, he sees a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table waiting for him.

He sits up in bed, and then he notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and freshly pressed.

Jerry looks around the room and sees that everything’s in perfect order and spotlessly clean.

He wanders downstairs with the glass of water and aspirins still in his hand and he notices a note on the living room coffee table, which reads, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

Jerry walks into the kitchen and sure enough, there’s a hot breakfast waiting for him, as well as the morning newspaper.

His son is sitting at the kitchen table, eating his breakfast.

“Son, do you know what happened last night?” Jerry inquires.

“Yes I do,” his son responds. “You came home after 3 a.m. You were drunk out of your mind and you could barely stand.”

“Really?” says Jerry.

“Yes, really!” said his son. “You also broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

At this point, Jerry is feeling a bit confused.

He thinks momentarily and then asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

“Oh, that?” says his son, “Well, when mom dragged you to the bedroom and tried to undress you, you just kept shouting, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’.”

5. Judge not lest ye be judged:

A Wall Street investment banker walks into a Manhattan bar, and as he’s standing at the counter, he notices an elderly lady sitting, quietly in the corner.

Except for this lady, the bar is full of men relaxing and enjoying a drink after a lucrative day’s trading on the financial markets.

Well, the banker’s feeling good having just closed on a major, multi-million-dollar deal that included a sizeable commission for him.

So, he says to the bartender, “Buddy, I’m buying drinks for everyone, except that old woman over there.”

The bartender looks a little uncomfortable with this blatant sexism, but business is business, so he takes the banker’s money and proceeds to serve the drinks.

The banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker, so he immediately orders another round of drinks for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks a little uncomfortable, but the drinks are served, and the banker’s money is gratefully taken.

Once again, the banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker even more, so after a few minutes he orders yet another round of drinks as well as food for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks uncomfortable, but the drinks and the food are served and the banker’s money is taken.

Thinking now he must have made his point, the banker looks across at the woman again and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

“What’s wrong with that old woman,” the banker asks the bartender, “I’ve just bought three rounds of drinks, as well as food for everyone, except for her, and instead of getting angry, she just smiles and thanks me. Is she stupid?“

“No, sir, she’s not stupid,” the bartender responds with a smile. “That’s Mrs O’Malley. She owns this bar.”

Moral of the Story: If you must judge people, do so with great care.

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

08/11/2023 by Roy Sutton

Here are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

“Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?”

“No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

“Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?”

“Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.”

“Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?”

“It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?”

“It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

2. Senior moment:

Betty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!”

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

“Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

“Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?”

“No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

“Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

“No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?“

“Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!”

“Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.“

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny jokes for everyone? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

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5 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

08/09/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are five little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

“What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

“It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

“Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

“Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

“Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.”

“But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

“Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.”

“So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

“I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

“Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

“Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I get up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.”

“So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

“Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!”

2. Under the influence:

A police officer spots a man driving erratically and thinks he might be witnessing a DUI violation.

Naturally, he pulls the guy over.

“Sir,” said the officer, “have you been drinking?”

“Yes, officer,” the guy responds, “I have.”

“So, how much have you drunk tonight?” the officer asks.

“Well, let me see,” says the guy, “I started in O’Malley’s Bar, and I had five beers there. Then I went to Finnigan’s Bar, and I drank seven double vodkas. Finally, I went to Riley’s Bar, and I drank a full bottle of Bushmills whiskey.”

“Sir,” said the police officer, “I need you to step out of your car and take a breathalyser test to see if you’re over the limit.”

“Why?” says the guy. “Don’t you believe me?”

3. Missing the obvious:

A guy arrives on a bicycle from Mexico at the US Border in San Diego.

He’s carrying a large bag of light brown powder and immediately the customs officers think he’s smuggling drugs.

So, they search him and test the powder. However, he’s carrying nothing suspicious, and the powder turns out to be nothing but fine sand.

The next day the same guy arrives at the border again, on a bicycle, carrying another bag of light brown powder.

Once again, he’s searched, and the powder is tested. Again, they find nothing suspicious, and the powder is just sand.

This saga goes on every day for the next three years. Every day the guy arrives on a bicycle, carrying a bag of what proves to be nothing but sand.

One day, one of the customs officers bumps into the guy in a bar in San Diego and his curiosity gets the better of him.

“Listen, buddy,” says the customs officer, “we know you’ve been smuggling something. Between you and me, what is it? It’s driving me crazy.”

The guy smiles broadly and then says, “Bicycles!”

4. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security-conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

“Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!”

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

5. Communication breakdown:

Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

“So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?“

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

“No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?“

“Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

“No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?“

“Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.“

“Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

“No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.“

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

“Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!“

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny jokes to tell your friends? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh or two

08/08/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy entertaining jokes then here are five that I’m confident will make you smile.

Enjoy them all and share them all with your friends.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Softball fanatics:

Two 90-year-old women, Mabel and Lily, had been the best of friends all of their lives.

Now Mabel had been in poor health for a couple of years and it was clear that her last days were not too far away. Naturally, her good friend Lily visited her every single day.

One day as they were chatting, Lily said, “Mabel, we’ve both enjoyed playing softball all our lives. All through high school and ever since we really enjoyed playing the game we both love. So, do me a great favour. When you get to Heaven, please find a way to let me know whether I’ll be able to play softball with you when we’re both there.”

Mabel looked up from her deathbed and said, “Lily, you’ve been my best friend since we were children. If it’s at all possible, I will do this favour for you.”

They were to be Mabel’s last words because, sadly, she passed away silently in her sleep that very night.

The following night, Lily was awakened suddenly from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light, and a voice calling out to her, “Lily, Lily!”

“Who is it?” said Lily.

“Lily,” said the voice, “it’s me, your friend Mabel.”

“You can’t be Mabel,” said Lily. “Mabel passed away yesterday.”

“Lily, it is me, Mabel,” insisted the voice.

“Mabel, where are you then?” asked Lily.

“I’m in Heaven,” said Mabel. “I’ve got some good news for you and a little bad news too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Lily.

“Well, the good news is that women’s softball is played in Heaven,” said Mabel.

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” said Lily.

“Better still,” said Mabel, “all of our old buddies who died before me are here to play with too.”

“Really?” said Lily.

“Yes,” Mabel responded. “And even better than that, we’re all young again, it’s always springtime up here, and it never rains or snows. We can play softball whenever we want, and we never get tired.”

“Wow,” said Lily “that’s fantastic. So, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ll be pitching next Tuesday?” Mabel responded.

2. Married bliss:

Jim and Jean had been married for over 30 years and, in all that time, they’d never fought, not even once.

One day, Jim and his friend Bill were talking and Bill was impressed to hear about what sounded like such a harmonious relationship.

“How is that even possible?” Bill asked.

“Well,” said Jim, “when we got married, we stayed at my late uncle’s Texas ranch for our honeymoon. On the first day we went out horse riding and we hadn’t gone far before Jean’s horse jumped and she fell off.”

“Really?” Bill exclaimed. “So, what happened then?”

“Well, as cool as you like,” said Jim, “Jean just got up, patted the horse and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.”

“Wow!” said Bill.

“After a while,” Jim continued, “it happened again. And again, Jean just got up, patted the horse and said, ‘This is your second time!’.”

“I’m guessing that’s not the end of the story,” said Bill.

“No,” said Jim. “It happened again, and this time she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.”

“No!” said a very surprised Bill. “What happened then?”

“I shouted at her,” said Jim. “Are you crazy? You’ve just killed a perfectly innocent animal!”

Jim paused momentarily and then continued, “She gave me a menacing look and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.”

3. Smart sheepdog:

A farmer wants to check how many sheep he has in his field.

So he decides to ask his sheepdog to count them all.

The dog runs into the field, counts them all and runs back to the farmer.

“How many?” the farmer asks.

“Forty,” says the dog.

“How can there be forty,” the farmer asks, “I only bought thirty-eight.”

“I rounded them up,” the dog responded.

4. Caring son:

“Hello,” said the voice. “Is this the Police?”

“Yes,” said the operator, “How can we help you?”

“I’m calling to report Jim Brown,” said the voice.

“Why?” said the operator, “What’s he done?”

“He’s hiding drugs inside his wood store,” said the voice.

That very evening, after dark, the police swooped on the house of Jim Brown.

They search his wood store thoroughly and then, with sharp axes, they chop up every log, reducing them all to pieces of firewood.

The Police find absolutely nothing and so they leave empty-handed.

The next day, Jim Brown receives a telephone call from his son.

“Hi Dad, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come over to help you yesterday but did the Police arrive?” asked his son.

“Yes,” Jim responded.

“Did they chop up all your firewood?” his son asks.

“Yes, they did,” says Jim.

“That’s great Dad,” says his son, “Happy birthday!”

5. The trip to Rome:

Jane was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled and ready for a trip to Rome with her husband.

Naturally, Jane is talking with her hairdresser and she mentions how excited she is to be going on her forthcoming trip to the Eternal City.

“Rome?” said the hairdresser. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?“

“Well,” said Jane, “we’re flying American Airlines and we got a really great deal on the tickets!“

“Oh, I just hate American Airlines,” said the hairdresser. “Their planes are old, their inflight service is terrible and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?“

“We’ll be staying at this exclusive little place called the Hotel Splendide Royal,” Jane responded. “Oh, I just can’t wait.”

Stop right there,” said the hairdresser. “I’ve heard about that place. Everybody thinks it’s special, but my friend told me it’s actually a real dump. So, what will you do whilst you’re there?“

“We’re going to see the Vatican,” said Jane, “and maybe we might even get to see the Pope.“

The hairdresser laughed, “You and a million other people will be trying to see the Pope and, even if you do, he’ll look the size of an ant, you’ll be so far away. Sounds like a lousy trip. I wish you luck because you’re going to need it.“

Six weeks later, Jane’s back from her trip and sitting in the same hairdresser’s having her hair styled once again.

Naturally, the hairdresser is interested to hear all about Jane’s trip to Rome.

“Oh, it was wonderful,” said Jane, “the best vacation ever.”

“Really!” said the hairdresser. “In what way was it so great?”

“Well, first off, the brand new plane we travelled on was overbooked and so American Airlines very kindly upgraded us to First Class at no charge,” said Jane. “The inflight service was terrific, the food and wine were just wonderful, we arrived bang on time, and the cabin crew couldn’t have been more attentive throughout the journey.”

“So, you got lucky with the flight,” said the hairdresser sarcastically. “How was the hotel?”

“Oh, my goodness, it couldn’t have been better,” said Jane. “It had recently had a major makeover, and because it was overbooked, we got upgraded to a suite, at no charge. Best hotel experience ever.”

“Well, lucky you,” muttered the hairdresser. “I’ll bet you didn’t get to see the Pope though.“

“Actually, we were very lucky,” said Jane. “We were walking around the Vatican when a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope would like to speak with me.”

“Oh, really!” said the hairdresser. “And what did the Pope have to say when you met him?“

“He said, my God woman, who made such a terrible mess of your hair?” said Jane with a smile.

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9 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

08/04/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

“Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.”

“Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

“You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

“Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.”

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

“Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?”

“I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

“Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

“It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

“Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?”

“Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

“Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.”

“Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

“Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.”

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.”

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’d just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles at you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?”

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.”

“Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.”

8. The art of tact:

Jim is planning to take his new lady friend on a two-week cruise around the islands of the Eastern Caribbean. However, he has one problem, he needs someone to take care of his cat and his elderly father.

After a little searching around his friends, Jim’s old High School buddy Billy Bob volunteers to act as caretaker.

So, Jim and his lady friend go off on their cruise and for a few days’ life is good.

Then, suddenly, Jim receives an email from Billy Bob on his smartphone.

The message simply reads, “Jim, your cat was hit by a car and it’s dead. Regards, Billy Bob.“

Well, Jim thinks that’s a brutal way of letting him know about the fate of his beloved pet, so he phones Billy Bob immediately to tell him so.

“Listen, buddy,” says Jim. “You could have been a bit more sensitive and tactful in the way you let me know about my cat.”

Well, Billy Bob doesn’t quite understand. “What do you mean, buddy?”

“Well,” Jim responds, “it would have been better if you’d adopted a three-email strategy.”

“What in hell is a three-email strategy?” asks Billy Bob.

“Look, it’s easy,” says Jim. “In the first email, you start off by saying, I just wanted to let you know your cat’s been climbing trees.”

“Right, and then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, the next day you send a second message, saying your cat’s fallen out of a tree and hurt its paw,” says Jim.

“And, then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, finally,” Jim continues, “the following day, you send a third message saying, after falling out of a tree and hurting its paw, the cat was hit by a car and sadly it’s dead. With this strategy, at least I get a chance to slowly come to terms with my loss.”

“Gotcha,” says Billy Bob, “I’ll remember that next time.”

A few more days go by and Jim’s enjoying his vacation when suddenly he receives another email which reads, “Jim, I just wanted to let you know your father’s been climbing trees. Regards, Billy Bob.”

9. Very early Christmas joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies’ underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?”

“Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

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3 Side-splitting Jokes about Heaven and Hell

08/02/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re in need of a laugh then take a look at these three side-splitting jokes about Heaven and Hell. They all made me laugh, so I hope they entertain you too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all.

Side-splitting Jokes:

1. Heavenly transportation:

New Yorkers Frank, George and Vinny are killed in a tragic car crash in Manhattan.

The three friends arrive at the entrance to the Pearly Gates and there is St Peter waiting for them.

After the initial pleasantries, St Peter says, “Gentlemen, Heaven is an enormous place, so you will need transport to get around. And I have to tell you now that the type of transport you will be allocated will depend on how faithful you were to your wives.”

He then turns to Frank and says, “Francis, how faithful were you to your dear wife?”

“I never strayed once”, says Frank. “From the day we met until my dying day, she was the only woman with whom I slept and I loved her very much.”

“Most impressive Francis”, says St Peter. “Such fidelity is worthy of a new $13 million Rolls-Royce Sweptail and here are the keys. You’ll find your car in the parking lot just inside the Pearly Gates.”

Turning to George, St Peter said, “And how faithful have you been George?”

George hesitated momentarily and then said, “I must be honest and tell you that I did have a brief affair with my secretary about 20 years ago. It was the only time I cheated and I did regret it. I love my wife and after that brief lapse I was faithful to her until my dying day.”

“Very well”, said St Peter. “You made one mistake but otherwise you were of good character. Your reward now is a Chevrolet Bolt. Here are your keys and you’ll find the car in the parking lot inside the Gates.”

St Peter then turned to Vinny and said, “So Vincent, were you as well-behaved as your friends?”

Vinny looked a little embarrassed as he responded. “St Peter, if I’m honest I was a womanizer and I’ve had more sexual encounters than I can remember. However, I did love my wife and I would never have left her.”

St Peter frowned as he responded, “Vincent your behaviour was less than exemplary but you did at least say you loved your wife and never left her, so that counts for something. Therefore I will give you a top-of-the-range mountain bike to enable you to get around. You’ll find it in the cycle rack inside the Gates.”

The three friends then spent the next few weeks travelling around in Heaven getting to know the place.

One day as Vinny was cycling along Heaven’s highway he saw a Rolls Royce Sweptail parked by the side of the road. As he got close, he could see Frank sitting in the driver’s seat sobbing.

“Hey buddy, what’s the matter?” said Vinny. “You’ve been driving a beautiful Rolls Royce. What could possibly be wrong?”

“I know”, said Frank, “but I’ve just seen my wife go past on a skateboard.”

2. The reward for a life of sin:

Three drinking buddies, Bill, Jim and Cyril died in a plane crash on the way to Las Vegas and they all found themselves in Hell.

No sooner had they walked through the Gates of Hell than they found themselves staring at a series of doors.

Bill opened the first door and out stepped a really ugly woman, her face covered in hideous warts.

The voice of the Devil then boomed out, “William, you have been a sinner and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this poor woman.”

The woman then took Bill by the hand and led him through the door he’d opened to suffer his punishment.

Jim and Cyril naturally were feeling very apprehensive at this point.

However, Jim plucked up the courage to open the second door which revealed a woman who was even uglier than the first one. She was a grinning, toothless hag with a hunched back and a bad case of body odour.

Again the voice of the Devil then boomed out, “James, you too have sinned and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this wretched woman.”

The woman then took Jim by the hand and led him through the door to suffer his punishment.

Naturally, at this point, Cyril was a nervous wreck as he was about to open the third door.

He feared the worst, although he knew he hadn’t been much of a sinner so he hoped it wouldn’t be another hag.

Cyril was pleasantly surprised when out stepped a beautiful blond in a very brief bikini.

“Wow!” thought Cyril.

Then the Devil’s voice boomed, “Maria, you have been a sinner so you are condemned to spend eternity with this hideous, wretched man.”

3. Hoping for a miracle:

Bernard was a deeply religious man and one day he found himself trapped on the roof of his house following a terrible flood after the worst storms in living memory.

After an hour or so a man came by in a boat and shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Soon the water had completely submerged Bernard’s house and it was lapping around his waist.

Suddenly another man came by in a boat and shouted, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by and the water was now lapping around Bernard’s chest.

Yet another boat came along and a man shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Well, the water kept on rising and it was now up around his neck when a helicopter appeared and down came a ladder. The crewman on the ladder shouted to Bernard, “Hey buddy, climb up!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by and the next thing Bernard knew he was standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

At this point, Bernard felt very disheartened as he said to St Peter, “I feel completely let down. I truly believed God would save me.”

“Be fair”, said St Peter, “We did send you three boats and a helicopter.”

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3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

08/01/2023 by Roy Sutton

Dear reader, are you in need of a laugh? Then how about these 3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile? They will have you howling with laughter. Well, they certainly made me laugh, so I hope they brighten your day too.

Hilarious short story jokes:

1. Getting married in Heaven:

A young Catholic couple, Patrick and Bernadette, were on their way to the church to get married. Sadly their lives were cruelly cut short by a road traffic accident just before they would have reached their destination.

Nevertheless, they’d lived good and decent lives, so naturally, in an instant, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter as he reviewed a clipboard to confirm their names were on the list.

As they stood there, Patrick said to St Peter, “Will it still be possible for us to get married in Heaven?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure”, said St Peter. “Believe it or not, this has never happened before. If you’ll bear with me, I will check it out for you.”

With that, St Peter disappeared.

So Patrick and Bernadette sat down on a nearby golden bench and they waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. They waited so long that a couple of months passed.

Naturally, in that time they chatted about their future and the challenges of being married and the fact that many of their friends who’d married found it wasn’t always forever. Circumstances often change and relationships can suffer.

Eventually, St Peter reappeared looking a little flustered.

“Well”, said St Peter, “I have some good news for you both. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you will be to get married here in Heaven.”

“Oh, that’s great!” said Bernadette enthusiastically.

Patrick wasn’t quite so enthusiastic in his reaction though.

“St Peter, I was just wondering”, said Patrick, “If we were to marry and things didn’t work out, would we be able to divorce in Heaven?”

St Peter’s response suggested that he was irritated by Patrick’s question, as he slammed his clipboard angrily on the ground.

“St Peter, what’s the matter?” Bernadette enquired.

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” said St Peter. “It’s taken me almost three months to find a priest here in Heaven. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?“

2. Age problems:

Jim was 85 years old and he’d been playing golf every single day since he’d retired from work 20 years earlier.

One day Jim arrives home from golf and he’s obviously in an agitated state.

“What’s the matter dear?” his wife, Mabel enquired.

“I’m going to give up golf”, Jim responded. “My eyesight is now so bad that once I hit the ball I just can’t see where it’s gone.”

Mabel can see Jim’s really upset so she tries to be as sympathetic as possible.

“Oh don’t worry dear. Let me make you a nice cup of coffee. You’ll feel better after that I’m sure”, she says.

As they both sit down with their coffee, Mabel says suddenly, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Next time you play golf you could take my brother Sid with you.”

“But Mabel, how will that help?” says Jim, “Sid is 98!”

“Yes”, says Mabel, “but he still has perfect eyesight. He can be your eyes when you play.”

So Jim agrees it’s probably worth a try and he makes arrangements with Sid for the next day.

The next day Jim heads off to the country club with Sid.

At the first tee, Jim tees up with an almighty swing and he then squints down the fairway trying to see where his ball has gone.

“Sid, did you see where my ball went?” asks Jim.

“Sure!” says Sid. “I still have perfect eyesight.”

Jim waited momentarily, anticipating some further information from Sid but he got nothing.

“So where did it go then?” asks Jim.

Sid looked at him a little confused and then said, “Where did what go?”

3. One kiss:

Alice was an attractive young woman and she was shopping in a department store looking to buy material for a dress she was making.

At the fabric counter, she spotted some suitable material and said to the young male clerk behind the counter, “What’s the cost of this material please?”

“Well miss the price for that is just one kiss per yard,” replied the clerk, with a confident grin on his face.

“That’s fine,” said Alice. “I’ll take ten yards please.”

Well, the clerk couldn’t believe his luck. He quickly measured out the cloth, folded it carefully, wrapped it up, then teasingly held the package out to Alice.

She in turn accepted the package, smiled and then, pointing to the elderly man behind her, she said, “My grandpa will settle the bill.”

And with that, she proceeded to browse at the next counter.

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5 funny short story jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh

07/31/2023 by Roy Sutton

Here are 5 funny short story jokes that I’m confident will raise a laugh.

They all made me smile, so I hope you enjoy them too.

So take a few moments to relax, smile and then feel free to pass them on.

Funny short story jokes:

1. Speed Cop:

Jim’s a police officer in Morristown, New Jersey.

One day he’s sitting in his squad car on Main Street when a car screams past him doing at least 100 miles an hour.

With blue lights flashing and siren wailing, Jim chases after the car and pulls it over.

Jim approaches the car and says to the young driver, “Sir, please step out of the car for me.”

“But officer”, said the young man, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet!” snapped Jim, “Driving at dangerous speeds on Main Street is a felony. You’ll be cooling your heels in jail until the police chief gets back and decides what to do with you.”

“But officer”, the young man responded, “if you’d just let me explain.”

Once again Jim snapped at him, “Be quiet! You’re going to jail.”

A few hours later Jim is checking on his prisoner in the holding cell at the station and the guy is looking is little glum, to say the least. At this point, Jim’s feeling a bit sorry for him.

“Hey buddy”, says Jim, “don’t worry. Lucky for you the police chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it”, said the young driver, “I’m the groom.”

2. Gambling Habit:

An anxious father met with his son’s school principal, as he was concerned about his son’s obsession with gambling.

“All he ever wants to do is bet,” the father exclaimed to the principal. “He’ll bet on anything. Can you help me?”

The principal considered his question for a moment and then he said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

A week later, the father met with the principal again to discuss progress.

“I think I’ve cured him of his gambling habit,” the principal told the father.

Encouraged by this comment, the father asked, “How did you manage that?”

Well, the other day, I noticed him looking at my beard and he said, “Sir, I’ll bet you $10 that’s a false beard.”

“And what happened then?” the father asked.

“Simple, I took the bet, allowed him to tug my beard to prove it was real and then I made him pay me the $10.” The principal responded. “He won’t do that again. He’ll have learned his lesson.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said the father, “the other day he bet me $50 that he’d tug at your beard with your permission before the end of the week.”

3. Sunday Service:

One Sunday morning, Pastor Michael told his congregation that the church needed money to repair the church roof and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

By way of encouragement, he said that whoever gave the most money would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed around, Pastor Michael glanced down, and he noticed that someone had placed a bundle of $100 bills in the offering, all bound with an elastic band.

Naturally, he was excited, and he shared his joy with his congregation.

“I’d like to thank whoever placed this bundle in the offering personally,” said Pastor Michael. “There must be $1,000 here. Please make yourself known.”

At this point, a small, elderly lady at the back of the church stood up and shyly raised her hand.

“Mam,” said Pastor Michael, “we’re all so grateful to you. Please come down to the front.”

The little old lady slowly made her way to the front of the congregation and Pastor Michael took her by the hand.

Naturally, he told her how wonderful it was that she had given so much and then in thanks he said, “By way of a reward, you now get to choose three hymns.”

Her eyes began to sparkle as she reflected momentarily and gazed around the congregation.

After a few moments of contemplation, she looked at Pastor Michael and then pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, “Right, I’ll take him and him and him.”

4. Divine justice:

Father Jeremy was a parish priest who was obsessed with playing golf.

He would be at a country club playing golf at every opportunity he got. It was a passion for him.

One summer Sunday the weather was absolutely glorious and he realised it was such a perfect day to play golf. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the temperature was really very pleasant.

“Days are rarely better than this for playing golf”, Father Jeremy thought to himself.

This left him with a dilemma. For him Sunday was a working day of course but perhaps he could report in sick and then play golf at the country club in the next town?

Well, his passion for golf got the better of him and he phoned the curate to tell him he was sick and would not be able to take mass that day.

He then packed his clubs into his car and drove two hours to a country club where he was confident he would not be recognized.

By mid-morning Father Jeremy was standing at the first tee ready to play 18 holes.

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways and the angels are his eyes and ears. And as Father Jeremy was ready to tee off one angel was watching him with concern.

The angel then went to God and said, “Look at that parish priest. He should be preaching to his congregation today, not playing golf.”

God frowned at the angel and agreed that this was not what he’d expect from a parish priest on a Sunday.

“Leave it to me,” said God.

At this point, Father Jeremy teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it glided effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. It was a perfect hole-in-one.

Never before had Father Jeremy achieved such golfing perfection, so naturally, he was both amazed and very excited.

The angel looked on from above and he was shocked. He turned to God and said, “Lord, I’m sorry but I thought you said you were going to punish him.“

“I have”, said God.

“How?” the angel responded.

God smiled and said, “Think about it. Who can he possibly tell about this now?“

5. The helicopter ride:

Dan and his wife Mary went to the state fair every year.

And every year Dan would say to Mary, “You know Mary, I would love to go for a ride in the helicopter.“

Mary’s response was always the same.

“I know that Dan but the helicopter ride costs $50, And let’s face it, $50 is $50.” Mary would say.

This went on for many years and eventually, they were at the fair one year and Dan said to Mary, “You know Mary, I’m 87 now. If I don’t ride the helicopter this year, I may not get another chance. I ain’t got much time left.“

Well, Mary had known hard times so she could never be frivolous with money. Once again her response was the same, “Dan, you know the helicopter costs $50 and $50 is $50.“

Well as they were talking, the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation.

“Hey, listen folks”, he said, “I’ll offer you a deal. I’ll take you both for a ride in the helicopter and if you can both stay completely quiet for the entire ride then you can have it for free. However, you must not say a word. If you do say anything you must pay the $50.”

Well, this sounded like a great deal to Dan and Mary, so naturally, they agreed and up they went in the helicopter.

In an attempt to get them to say something, the pilot performed every fancy trick and move he knew but they didn’t say a word.

To up the ante, the pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn’t so much as one word spoken.

Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Dan and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!“

“Well to be honest”, said Dan, “I almost said something when Mary fell out but, you know, $50 is $50!“

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5 priceless jokes that’ll tickle you silly

07/21/2023 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some priceless jokes? Well, how about these five little gems? They all made me smile and I hope they brighten up your day. Enjoy them all.

Priceless Jokes:

1. Populating the Earth:

One day God said to Adam, “It’s nearly time for you and Eve to begin populating Earth. So I want you to kiss her.”

“I don’t understand”, said Adam. “What does to kiss mean?”

God understood that it was all new to Adam so patiently he explained to Adam what was required of him.

Adam took Eve by the hand and they disappeared into the woods. A little while later they emerged and Adam said, “That was most enjoyable.”

“I thought you might say that,” said God, “so now I want you to caress her.”

“But what does caress mean?” Adam asked.

So God provided Adam with a brief explanation again.

Again Adam took Eve by the hand and they disappeared into the woods once more.

Soon they returned and Adam smiled and said, “That was even better.”

“Good”, said God. “You’ve done well. So now I want you to make love to Eve.”

Again Adam was a little perplexed. “What does make love mean?” said Adam.

So God gave Adam another explanation and Adam then took Eve by the hand back into the woods.

This time Adam emerged from the woods alone within seconds looking puzzled.

He looked at God and said, “Lord, what’s a headache?”

2. The customer’s compulsion:

A man walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a glass of white wine.

He took a sip of the wine and then he hurled the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.

“Oh, I’m really sorry”, he said. “I keep doing that to bartenders. It’s a compulsion and I find it extremely embarrassing.”

The bartender was an amiable fellow and he was sympathetic to the man’s problem, despite the provocation.

As he wiped his face, he suggested the man see an analyst about his problem.

“Hey, another customer of mine is a psychiatrist with an excellent reputation. My brother and my wife both use him and they say he’s the best there is,” said the bartender.

About three months later the man returned to the bar again.

The bartender remembered him immediately. As he poured the man a glass of white wine he said, “Good to see you, buddy. Did you do what I suggested?”

“Yes I certainly did”, said the man. “I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist you recommended for two sessions every week.”

He then took a sip of his wine and again threw the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.

As he wiped his face with a towel the flustered bartender spluttered, “That doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.”

“On the contrary,” said the man. “He’s done me the world of good.”

“But you’ve just thrown wine in my face again,” responded the bartender.

“Yes, but I’m not embarrassed by it anymore,” said the man.

3. The sooty tern:

One day a young sooty tern was flying over the sea with its parents when the mummy bird ran into a cliff and dropped to the ground.

Oblivious to his mate’s fate, the daddy tern flew on, but the young bird swooped to the foot of the cliff in a bid to save her.

Alas, the mummy tern was already dead and the tearful young bird was taken under the wing of a family of seagulls.

A week later, the head of the seagull family announced, “You’re a well-behaved bird but I’m afraid we can’t keep you. However, we’re going to find a tern that can adopt you and act as a replacement mother.”

So the seagull put an ad in the local paper which read, “One good tern deserves a mother.”

4. Difficult customer:

A man walked into a smart Downtown bar and sat on a stool at the counter.

“Sir, what can I get you to drink?” said the bartender. “A beer maybe? We’ve got an excellent special brew on offer this evening.”

“I’m sorry,” replied the man haughtily. “I don’t drink alcohol. I tried it once but I didn’t like it and I haven’t touched a drop since.”

The bartender tried to engage the man in friendly conversation by offering him a cigar.

“You can’t smoke it in here,” said the bartender, “but perhaps you can enjoy it later.”

“No thank you,” said the man with a sneer. “I don’t smoke. I tried it once but I didn’t like it and I haven’t smoked since.”

Again the bartender attempted a little banter but the man was having none of it.

“Listen,” he said. “I appreciate you’re merely trying to be sociable but the fact is I wouldn’t even be in this place at all but for the fact that I’m meeting my son here.”

“That would be your only child, I presume?” the bartender remarked philosophically.

5. Lady in the Casino:

The Las Vegas casino was virtually deserted and two male dealers at the craps table were idling away their time in the hope that business might soon improve.

Suddenly a stunningly attractive, buxom woman appeared and said she wanted to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

“Certainly mam,” said one of the dealers, happy to relieve the boredom.

“There’s just one thing though,” said the woman.

“What’s that?” said the dealer.

“Well I hope you don’t mind,” said the woman, “but playing topless always brings me luck. There’s hardly anyone about, so I’ll take off my blouse and bra before I roll the dice.”

She then quickly removed those garments exposing her ample assets and threw the dice, before yelling “I’ve won! I can’t believe it! I’ve won!”

She then scooped up all the money, picked up her clothes and disappeared in an instant.

The two dealers were stunned. “What did she roll?” asked one.

“I don’t know,” said the other. “I thought you’d be watching the dice!”

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So did these prove to be the priceless jokes you’d hoped for dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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