British Insults Archives

When it comes to insults the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so but then again I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

Get lost!
You stink!
You wazzock!
A pox on you.
Do one, tosser!
You gormless git!
You silly plonker!
Shove it up your ass!
You pointless prick!
Just get out of my sight.
You’re as daft as a brush.
You sir are a waste of space.
You’re an absolute doorknob.
You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
Do you have anything edible on the menu?
Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

Perhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
If you want to lose weight quickly dear, you could try shaving your legs.
I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a minge bag like you.
People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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60 British insults for getting your message across

British insults (1-20):

British insults (21-40):

British insults (41-60):

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