Wedded Wit: 50 Funny Jokes About Marriage

Looking for some jokes about marriage, dear reader?

Let’s face it, marriage is a goldmine for creators of humorous content.

Marriage: It’s a bit like signing up for a comedy show that lasts a lifetime, surely? One day you’re exchanging sweet nothings, and the next, you’re arguing over how a towel should be folded.

I mean, seriously! If someone had told me years ago that “happily ever after” involved a debate on the proper way to squeeze a toothpaste tube, I’d have suggested they were crazy.

But here we are, exploring the grand theatre of matrimonial reality as it is today.

So, whether you’re hitched now, about to be, or cleverly avoiding it, these jokes on offer in this post might just tickle you.

Without further ado, let’s dive into the hilarious world of marriage – it’s cheaper than therapy and much more fun! Here are 50 short, witty jokes about marriage.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Jokes about marriage (1-10):

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.
Marriage: where dating ends and guessing begins.

Marriage is grand. And divorce? Probably 100 grand.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
My husband dresses to kill. He cooks the same way too.

The secret to a happy marriage? That remains a mystery.
Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A good husband always forgives his wife when he’s wrong.

Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks, and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks, and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak, and the neighbours listen.

Jokes about marriage (11-20):

Marriage means commitment. Then again, so does insanity.
My wife and I were blissfully happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Before marriage, we expect a lot. After marriage, we accept a lot.
Married men don’t live longer than single men. It just feels longer.
I told my wife that I needed more space. So, she locked me outside.

Marriage lets you annoy that one special person for the rest of your life.
If you want your wife to listen to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I married Miss Right. What I didn’t realise was her first name was Always.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
WIFE: “Dear, do you think I’ve put on too much makeup?” HUSBAND: “Well, it depends. Are you trying to scare the kids or join a group of clowns?”

Jokes about marriage (21-30):

Marriage tip: Don’t laugh at your spouse’s choices because you’re one of them.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 50 pounds.
When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s always a reason.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
When you’re married, you don’t need a calendar. Your wife reminds you about everything.
What’s a husband’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

If at first, you don’t succeed then you’d be wise to try doing it the way your wife told you.
What’s the difference between a husband and a pet? After a year, the pet is still excited to see you.
WIFE: “I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.” HUSBAND: “Why not just throw it in the trash?” WIFE: “But there are poor starving people who could really use all these clothes.” HUSBAND: “Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.”

Jokes about marriage (31-40):

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his wallet open.
A wife is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that he’s probably too old to do it.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he’s just cleaned the whole house.
Ladies, if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead and get married.
My wife and I decided that we didn’t really want kids. However, the kids have taken it harder than we expected.

Married life is all about compromise. My wife wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So, we compromised and got a cat.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s annoyed.
Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening to you.

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV channel.

Jokes about marriage (41-50):

Marriage is a war where you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is a wonderful invention but then so is a corkscrew.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
WIFE: “Why do you keep reading our marriage certificate?” HUSBAND: “I was wondering whether there are any loopholes.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So, I bought her nothing.

WIFE: “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” HUSBAND: “How can I? I don’t even know her that well.”
HUSBAND: “Honey, I have a problem.” WIFE: “Darling, don’t say you have a problem. We’re married now, so it’s our problem.” HUSBAND: “Right then, our secretary is pregnant.”

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