If you’re like me, you enjoy really funny jokes. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well, here are eight really funny jokes that all made me smile today.
I hope you enjoy them.
And, if you do, please feel free to pass them on.
Really Funny Jokes:
1. Money’s too tight to mention:
Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.
Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.
Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”
Unconcerned, Mary whipped out her chequebook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”
2. Blood from a stone:
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” the banker continued.
“I … I … I had no idea,” the director admitted.
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
3. Verifying your cheque:
The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal cheque for her purchase.
After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
4. Asking for charity:
A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.
“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”
“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”
“I’m their landlord.”
5. Ways of seeing:
Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.
After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.
“How did you do that?” he asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
6. The rooster:
A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.
As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”
“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”
Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.
So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.
On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.
The movie starts and naturally, the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.
“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.
“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.
“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.
“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“
7. Devoted wife:
Harry is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, “Mabel, I will be gone soon, and there’s something I must ask you. In these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?“
“Well, Harry,” Mabel replied, “I must be honest with you. I was unfaithful on three occasions during these past 50 years, but always with good reason.“
“Really?” said Harry, hurt by Mabel’s confession. “I didn’t suspect anything. Can you tell me your reasons?“
Mabel sighed and said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?“
Harry remembered the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?“
Mabel hesitated momentarily and then said, “Do you remember when you had heart problems and we didn’t have enough money to pay your medical bills? I went to see your doctor one night, and if you recall, he did the bypass surgery at no charge.“
“Oh, yes,” said Harry, “How could I forget, Mabel? You saved my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Well,” Mabel continued, “do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed to be sure you could count on all 15 votes from the committee members?“
8. The Lesson:
While walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
Suddenly he finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter.
The congressman is still a little confused, given his circumstances, but thanks St Peter for his welcome.
“Now,” St Peter continues, “before you settle in, there is an issue. We seldom see politicians here, so we’re never quite sure what to do with you. However, we do have a procedure.”
“So, what happens now?” asks the congressman.
“Well,” says St Peter, “What we’ll do is have you spend a day in Hell followed by a day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you’ll spend eternity.”
With that, St. Peter escorts the congressman to an elevator and down he goes to Hell.
A few moments later, the elevator door opens, and the congressman finds himself standing in the clubhouse of the most amazing golf course he’d ever seen. Standing in front of him were all his old Washington buddies and other politicians who’d predeceased him.
They’re all having a great time, drinking, laughing and joking. When they see him, they greet him warmly, shake his hand, and reminisce about all the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of ordinary people. They invite him to play a game of golf and then afterwards they all dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
The devil joins them for dinner. The congressman is amazed at how friendly and caring the devil is. Nothing like he had imagined.
They were all having the most amazing time when the devil suggested it was probably time for the congressman to complete the process with St Peter.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and a wave as the elevator rises back up to the Pearly Gates. Suddenly the door opens and St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Well,” says St Peter, “now it’s time to visit Heaven.”
The time passes with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. The time they had was pleasant enough if a little underwhelming, but it passed quickly. Before he realizes it, the congressman is back with St Peter.
“Well, now,” says St Peter, “you’ve seen what Heaven and Hell have to offer, so you must now make a choice.”
The congressman reflects on his options momentarily, then says, “Well, pleasant as Heaven was, what the devil has to offer me seems like a much better deal. So, I’ll opt for Hell.”
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down to Hell for all eternity.
When the elevator door opens, the congressman finds himself in a stinking hellhole full of waste and garbage. Once again, he sees his friends, but they’re dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The smell is terrible.
The congressman struggles to comprehend what he’s seeing as the devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” the congressman says to the devil, “this is not what I voted for.”
The devil smiles at him.
“Yesterday,” continues the congressman, “when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. How can this possibly be what I voted for?”
Once again, the devil smiles at him and says, “Ah, yes, you’ve noticed. Well, you see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today I have your vote. So, now you know how ordinary people feel.”
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