31 funny, short jokes that will tickle you

If you’re looking for some short, funny jokes to cheer you up, then I have 31 little gems here for you today, dear reader. I hope you enjoy them all.

Certainly, they tickled me, and I’m confident that you will like them too.

So, please grab a cup of coffee and then take a short break to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on

Funny jokes (1-10):

My wife suggested that I make a belt out of old pocket watches, but I thought that would be a waist of time.

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true? Husband: To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

I tried mixing Mexican alcohol with 20th-century American literature last night. The result was tequila mockingbird.

I bought a sweater, but it just kept picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store, and they gave me another one, free of charge.

Being kissed while you’re asleep must be one of the purest forms of love, unless you’re in prison, of course.

I woke up this morning and found my pet mouse, Elvis, dead in the kitchen. He was caught in a trap.

Did you hear what happened at the bread factory? It went up in flames this morning. Everything was toast.

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

I went to SeaWorld with Lionel Richie and his amazing, performing pet cat. What a feline, dancing on the sea lion.

My wife took going to jail badly. She swore at anyone who came near her and started throwing things everywhere. I won’t be playing Monopoly with her again.

Funny jokes (11-20):

I went to see my doctor this morning wearing creased clothes. He says I have an iron deficiency.

It’s my wife’s birthday next week, and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house. I hope she likes the magazine rack I bought her.

Little Johnny: “Miss, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Teacher: “Of course not, Johnny! That wouldn’t be fair!” Little Johnny: “That’s good to know, Miss, because I haven’t done my homework.”

Bill was devastated when he arrived home with his 5-year-old, and his wife told him the boy wasn’t his. She told him that he needed to pay more attention when picking his son up from school.

Waiter: “How would you like your steak, sir?” Me: “Like winning an argument with my wife.” Waiter: “Rare it is then!“

My neighbour’s wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk but never came back. I asked him how he was coping. “Not bad,” he said. “I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

Don’t you hate it when you compliment someone on how bushy their moustache is, and then she suddenly starts getting upset with you?

I threw a ball for my dog. Everyone said that I was being extravagant, but it was his birthday, and he did look good in a dinner jacket.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect, and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

They’ve got a new machine in my gym. I used it for half an hour yesterday, but then I started to feel sick. It’s great, though. It does everything: KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Hershey bars, Oreo Cookies, the lot.

Funny jokes (21-31):

I read a book last night called “How to end sentences with Beatles song titles“. That’s two hours of my life I won’t get back.

I was tearful when the paint pot fell from my stepladder. I was overcome with emulsion.

My wife suddenly burst into our living room and shouted, “Honey, pack your bags. I’ve won the lottery!” Naturally, I said, “Oh wow! What should I pack, beach stuff or comfortable walking shoes?” “No!” she said. “You don’t understand. I’ve won the lottery. Just get out.”

I started a new job as a deliveryman today. When I got to the first address, there was a little note on the door saying, “Dear Mr Deliveryman, we’re out, please hide in the garage.” That was eight hours ago, and still, nobody’s found me.

I got kicked out of the Walmart staff room today. They asked me what I was doing there. “Taking a break,” I responded. “But you don’t work here!” they replied. “Well, I’ve just been through the self-checkout,” I said. “So, clearly, I do!“

Two working guys are in a field. One guy is digging holes. The other is filling them in again. An elderly lady walking by sees what they’re doing and asks, “Why are you digging holes and then filling them in? What’s the point?” The first guy looks over at her and then says, “Well, mam, there’s normally three of us but the bloke that puts trees in the holes rang in sick today.”

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter, orders twelve beers, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender sees what he’s doing and asks, “Hey, buddy, why are you drinking so fast?” The guy looks at him sheepishly and says, “You’d be drinking fast too if you had what I had.” The bartender, slightly puzzled by this response, asks, “What do you have?” The guy smiles and says, “75 cents.”

An American tourist is driving through Ireland. He stops when he sees a bar, walks inside, and asks a local man, “Hey, buddy, what’s the quickest way to Cork?” The man looks at him and says, “Are you walking or driving?” The tourist replies, “I’m driving.” The local man smiles and says, “Aye, that’ll be the quickest way, for sure.”

My wife shouted from upstairs, “Did you just feel a sharp pain like a voodoo model of you was being stabbed?” Slightly puzzled, I said, “No.” A moment later, she replied, “How about now?“

I’ve just been ripped off. I bought a bookcase, and on the box, it stated clearly ‘SELF-ASSEMBLY.’ When I got home, I took it out of the box and sat for three hours watching it, and it didn’t do anything. Eventually, I had to put it together myself.

An elderly man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool at the counter. After a moment to catch his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress smiled and asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No!” said the old man. “It’s rheumatoid arthritis.”

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