33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

Would you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day, dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again, I’ve been trawling my journals to assemble a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time, and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all, and please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners (1-11):

Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you need an ark, I Noah guy.

Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Witty one-liners (12-22):

I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa.
I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them.

Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.

If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?

Witty one-liners (23-33):

I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.

England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!

Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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