Are you looking for some jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? Well, I can offer you five today that might just fit the bill. They’re nothing too naughty, but they might make you smile. I hope so, anyway.
If you do enjoy them, please feel free to share them.
Jokes that will make anyone laugh:
1. First time:
Bernadette was a young, single Catholic girl from Brooklyn.
One morning, Bernadette went to confession.
She went into the confessional box, knelt down, and spoke quietly.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said Bernadette.
“Go ahead, my child, what is this sin of which you speak?” Father Murphy, the parish priest, responded.
“Father,” said Bernadette, “it’s a little embarrassing.”
“Just take your time, my child,” said Father Murphy to reassure her.
“Well,” said Bernadette, “last night I made love with my boyfriend, Father. I couldn’t help myself. I swear it was the first time, but he was so charming, and he took me to heaven and back, Father. However, I’m not married, so I know it was a sin. I’ve come here now seeking absolution.”
Father Murphy thought momentarily and then said, “My child, I want you to say ten Hail Marys before you leave the church and then go home, fill a glass with vinegar, add two teaspoons full of mustard, stare it up, and then drink it all.”
“Yes, Father,” said Bernadette, a little confused. “And will that absolve me of this terrible sin?”
“No, my child,” Father Murphy responded, “but it will wipe the smile off your face!“
2. A lack of passion:
A retired couple, Rick and Diane, have been married for 30 years, but their marriage is not in a good place, so they go to see a counsellor.
When the counsellor asks what the problem is, Diane immediately bursts into a rant about how terrible everything is, listing every issue she’s ever had in the 30 years they’ve been married.
It was just an endless list of issues, one after another. She just kept banging on and on about why she was not happy.
The counsellor listened momentarily, and then he got up, went around the desk, embraced Diane and kissed her passionately.
Diane is stunned into silence and she just shuts up and sits quietly in a complete daze.
The counsellor then turns to Rick and says, “That’s what your wife needs and she needs it three times a week. Can you help her Rick?”
“Well,” says Rick, “I could bring her here on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, I play golf.”
3. Sheltered life:
Jim lived in a small town and had led a fairly sheltered life. So he decides it’s time to explore the world a bit.
He’d heard a lot about the wonders of the Big Apple, so he decided to visit New York City.
He’s wandering around Macy’s browsing when he spots a Thermos flask.
“What’s this?” Jim asks the clerk.
“Well,” said the clerk, “it’s a flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Now Jim may be a bit of a hayseed but he can see that such a flask could be very useful, so he buys one.
When he returns home, he takes the Thermos flask into the office to show his buddies.
“What is it?” they ask, in unison.
“It’s called a Thermos flask,” says Jim, “and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow!” says his buddy, Bill, “What have you got in there now?”
“Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,” says Jim.
4. White knuckle ride:
A New York City cab driver is driving down Broadway with a passenger heading for Battery Park.
The cab gets to a red light but the driver just goes straight through it.
The passenger sees what’s happened and shouts, “Hey buddy, be careful! I wanna get to Battery Park in one piece!”
“Hey, don’t worry,” says the cab driver. “My brother does it all the time.”
They get to the next junction, the light’s red, but the cab driver just sails on through again.
The passenger’s not happy. “Hey, buddy,” he shouts, “you’ll get us both killed.”
“My brother does it all the time, I’m telling you,” says the driver.
They get to the next junction and once again the light’s red but the driver doesn’t stop.
“You’ve gotta stop this!” screams the passenger.
“Chill out!” says the driver. “I told you, my brother does it all the time.”
They get to the 34th Street junction, the light’s green but the driver screeches to a halt.
“Hey buddy,” says the passenger, “the light’s green, why did you stop?”
“It’s 34th Street,” says the cab driver. “My brother lives on 34th Street and I’m not sure what time he starts work.”
5. Copying ancient texts:
At the Benedictine Monastery Paul, a novice Catholic monk arrives to prove his suitability for admission to the religious order.
After being given a little time to settle in, Paul’s asked to assist the other monks with copying ancient texts by hand.
Whilst he’s observing the process, Paul notices that the other monks are making their copies from documents which are themselves copies, not the original texts.
So Paul goes to the Abbot to raise his concerns.
“Reverend Father,” says Paul, “It appears the monks are making their copies from copies and not original texts. So if there were any mistakes made in those copies those mistakes will be repeated in the new copies.”
“Paul,” said the Abbot, “you make an important point. The Benedictine order has been making copies for centuries and the rules by which we live are defined in those ancient texts. I must investigate.”
With that, the Abbot goes down deep into the cellar of the monastery with one of the most recent copies and proceeds to check it very carefully against the original ancient text.
Several days pass and the monks have not seen the Abbot.
Eventually, Paul and the other monks decide that a group of them should go looking for him. So Paul leads a delegation down into the cellar.
As they’re walking down the ancient steps, they can hear the Abbot sobbing.
When they find him, still sobbing, Paul asks, “Reverend Father, what’s wrong?”
“You idiots!” the Abbot responds. “The word was CELEBRATE!”
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