If you’re looking for some of the best jokes ever, then here are five which I think you might just enjoy. They all made me smile and they should tickle your funny bone too.
So take a few moments to have a laugh and please feel free to pass them on.
Best ever jokes:
1. A hard act to follow:
Rick walks out of his office in Manhattan one evening just as there’s a cab approaching. He hails the cab and, as he’s getting in, he says to the cab driver, “Now that’s perfect timing. Am I lucky or what?”
The cab driver smiles and says, “You’re just like Bill Smith.”
“Who’s Bill Smith?” asks Rick.
“Oh, he’s just some guy who always managed to do everything perfectly,” the cab driver responds.
“How do you mean?” asks Rick.
“Well,” says the driver, “like your situation now. You’re in need of a cab and I’m right here for you when you need me. That would happen to Bill, every time.”
“Oh, come on,” says Rick. “No one’s life’s that perfect. There’ll always be a few clouds, surely?”
“Not for Bill,” the cab driver responds. “He was a top athlete. He played golf with a handicap that any top pro would love to have. He played tennis better than John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg. He could sing opera better than Pavarotti and he could dance better than Fred Astaire. And he was a Grade A student with a photographic memory. He never ever forgot a birthday.”
“Really?” Rick responds.
“Really!” says the cab driver. “He could fix any little problem around the house. He had encyclopaedic knowledge about wine and good food. And he was an entertaining raconteur and storyteller. The life and soul of any party. And to top it all, he was always in perfect shape. No, no one will ever match up to Bill Smith, that’s for sure.”
“Oh, come on,” says Rick. “no one’s that perfect. How do you know this guy, anyway?”
“Well, I never met him,” says the cab driver, “but I’m married to his widow.”
2. In search of the truth:
One day Joseph Stalin was feeling bored, so he starts thinking about what he can do to amuse himself.
After reflecting on his problem for a while, he decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst ordinary people to find out what they really think of him.
So, he organises a job for himself in a local factory on the outskirts of Moscow and he starts working there.
On his first day, he’s doing everything he can to fit in and when he gets the opportunity, he strikes up a conversation with one of his fellow workers.
As they seem to be getting along well, Stalin suggests that they eat their lunch together in the yard.
As they eat lunch, they make a little small talk for a while and then, when Stalin gets his chance, he asks his new friend, “What do you really think of Stalin?“
Feeling a little paranoid, his friend starts looking around furtively before he responds in a whisper, “We can’t talk about that here, it really wouldn’t be safe.“
Stalin gives him a knowing look in response and suggests they meet after work to discuss it further.
So, they meet up after work in the village where his new friend lives and when he gets the opportunity, once again, Stalin asks the question, “What do you really think of Stalin?”
Well, the guy looks paranoid again and starts looking around him, nervously, to see who might be listening. Then in a whisper, with his finger to his mouth, he says, “Schhh! We can’t talk about that here. It’s much too dangerous. Someone might hear us.”
Stalin gives him a knowing look once again and then suggests that they go for a walk in the neighbouring countryside.
For the next hour they walk out into the hills surrounding the village and eventually they’re so far away, they can’t see another person anywhere.
At this point, Stalin says, “It looks like we’re safe to talk now. So, what do you really think of Stalin?“
His new friend looks around furtively, then he leans in close to Stalin and whispers. “I kinda like him.”
3. The price of honesty:
There was a young kid called Jim who lived in the country.
Like country folk everywhere, when they needed to go, Jim’s family had to use an outhouse.
Young Jim did not find this a pleasant experience.
In the summer it was much too hot and, in the winter, it was too cold. And all year round, it was very smelly.
Now the outhouse was located on the bank of a creek and one day Jim realised that, with a little effort, it could be pushed into the creek.
He waited for his opportunity and one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and Jim decided that this was as good a day as any to push the outhouse into the creek.
With that, he found a long pole and started pushing. Finally, with one last shove, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night Jim’s dad was not happy, and he told him that, after supper, they were going to the woodshed.
Jim knew what this meant. He was in big trouble and punishment would follow.
Nevertheless, he asked his dad, “Why?”
To which his dad responded, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, son, wasn’t it?“
“Yes dad, it was,” said Jim. He then thought momentarily before he said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree but didn’t get punished because he told the truth.”
“Well, son,” said his dad, “George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in that cherry tree at the time, was he?“
4. The Chinese Doctor:
Dr Chow Ming leaves Hong Kong for the United States in search of a better life.
He arrives in New York, but he can’t find a job.
However, Dr Ming is a resourceful and enterprising guy, so he opens his own clinic.
A few weeks after the clinic opens, a lawyer is walking by and he reads the sign in the window, which says: –
- EVERY TREATMENT COST – $20
- IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU – YOU GET $100 BACK
Well, this guy is a top Wall Street, corporate lawyer and he sees this as an opportunity to have some fun and make a little pocket money.
The lawyer walks into the clinic to be greeted warmly by Dr Ming, who says, “Good morning. What seems to be problem?“
“Well,” says the lawyer, “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
“Nurse!” says Dr Ming. “Bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.”
The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.
“Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”
With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.
“That’s not medicine!” exclaims the lawyer. “It’s kerosene!“
“Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your taste is restored. That will be $20, please.”
The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.
Nevertheless, he’s determined to get the $100, so after a few days he returns, and Dr Ming recognises him immediately.
“Back again, so soon?” says Dr Ming.
“I’m sorry, have we met before?” asks the lawyer. “You see, I’ve lost my memory.”
“Nurse,” says Dr Ming, “please bring medicine from Drawer Number 8 and put three drops on his tongue.”
The nurse dutifully does as she’s asked.
“Open your mouth wide, please sir,” says the nurse to the lawyer.”
With that, she puts the drops of medicine on his tongue, and the lawyer immediately starts coughing and sputtering.
“More kerosene!” says the lawyer. “You gave me that last time for restoring my taste.“
“Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your memory is restored. That will be $20, please.”
The lawyer’s not happy but he has little choice but to pay the $20 and then leave.
However, he’s more determined than ever to get one over on Dr Ming.
One week later he returns to the clinic and again Dr Ming recognises him.
“My eyesight has become so weak, I’m virtually blind,” says the lawyer.
“Unfortunately, I have no medicine for that,” says Dr Ming, “so I must give you $100.“
With that, Dr Ming hands the lawyer a $20 bill.
The lawyer looks at what he’s been given and then says, “But this is only $20, not $100!“
“Excellent!” says Dr Ming. “Your eyesight is restored. That will be $20, please.”
5. The problem with ducks:
Ethel, Mabel, and Agnes were three old ladies who’d sadly passed away and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.
St Peter’s scanning an iPad momentarily, looking to see whether these three old ladies are on his list for admittance to Heaven.
Eventually, he says, “Ladies, welcome to Heaven. There’s just one rule you must all follow and that is, you must never step on a duck.”
Well, as Ethel, Mabel and Agnes walk through the Pearly Gates, they soon realise that there are ducks literally everywhere. There are millions of them.
Naturally, the old ladies do their very best to avoid stepping on any of the ducks, but they find it very difficult.
Ethel only manages one hour before she steps on a duck.
Within seconds St. Peter appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.
“Ethel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”
With that, St Peter disappeared and Ethel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.
Now Mabel manages a whole afternoon before she too stepped on a duck.
Once again, St Peter suddenly appears with the ugliest, most hideous-looking man she’d ever seen.
“Mabel,” says St Peter, “the penalty for stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this wretch, face to face, for eternity.”
With that, St Peter disappears and Mabel is stuck with her ugly companion for eternity.
Now, Agnes got through the whole of her first day in Heaven without stepping on a duck but the following morning she wasn’t quite so fortunate.
St Peter suddenly appears with the best-looking guy that Agnes had ever seen.
“Agnes,” says St Peter, “the penalty for someone like you stepping on a duck is for you to be chained to this man, face to face, for eternity.”
“Wow!” said Agnes looking dreamily into the guy’s eyes, “What did we do to deserve this?”
“Lady, I don’t know what you did,” the guy responds, “but all I did was step one of those ducks!“
Please share the fun:
So, were any of these jokes worthy contenders for the best jokes ever, dear reader? I hope so.
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