33 very clever one liners guaranteed to make you smile

I’m always impressed with very clever one-liners. I can’t resist those short, sharp witty remarks that always make me smile. So naturally, I collect them, noting them down in my journal every day.

Today I thought I share some very clever one-liners I’ve heard recently. They’re all quite brilliant in my opinion.

So take a couple of minutes to enjoy them all.

Very clever one-liners (1-11):

How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.
Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.
Exaggerations went up by one million per cent last year.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Very clever one-liners (12-22):

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Very clever one-liners (23-33):

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said, “Don’t mention it.”
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” To which the doctor replied, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

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If you fancy some more laughs then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

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15 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld to brighten your day

33 very clever one liners guaranteed to make you smile

Very clever one-liners (1-11):

Very clever one-liners (12-22):

Very clever one-liners (23-33):

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