25 clever one-liners that'll make you smile

If you’re anything like me dear reader then you’ll love clever one-liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to have a laugh.

Clever one-liners:

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine

Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
I hate sitting in traffic because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
Conjunctivitis.com: That’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine

Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
Do you know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine

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25 clever one-liners that’ll make you smile

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