25 funniest one-liners to make you smile

Here are some of the funniest one-liners I was able to find today. They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too.

Unfortunately, I was unable to identify the original authors for these inventive and witty lines, so for the moment they are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’.

However should any reader be able to identify specific authors for individual one-liners, then I’d welcome your advice. I am very keen to add acknowledgements and links wherever I can, so please help.

In the meantime take a few minutes to enjoy 25 of the funniest one-liners because everyone needs to laugh whenever possible.

Funniest one-liners (1-12):

I won $3 million in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there; he said he couldn’t complain.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Call me playful but scaring men is so easy.
Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
It’s easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My ideal woman is one who is too naïve to know she’s way out of my league.

She wanted a puppy, but I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Funniest one-liners (13-25):

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
My husband is on the roof. Only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road!”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times, men avoided asking the way.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 who says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

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So dear reader, were these the funniest one-liners in your opinion? Was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Articles you might enjoy:

33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

25 funniest one-liners to make you smile

Funniest one-liners (1-12):

Funniest one-liners (13-25):

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