32 amusing quotes by Phyllis Diller

The late Phyllis Ada Driver, or Phyllis Diller as she’s better known to fans of comedy, was one of America’s greatest comic talents.

She was an actress and stand-up comedian with an eccentric stage persona.

Self-deprecating humour was her stock in trade, together with wild hair, zany clothes and an exaggerated, cackling laugh.

Phyllis Diller was a very funny lady and one who is greatly missed by fans of good comedy everywhere.

So today I thought it might be quite interesting to explore some of her quotes and observations.

Here are 32 quotes by Phyllis Diller which should make you smile.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller (1-21):

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the backyard.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Life is a do-it-yourself kit; so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
My photographs don’t do me justice. They just look like me.

You know you’re old if they’ve discontinued your blood type.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’

Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller (22-32):

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about short and cheap?
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
This man I was going out with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas but he gave me a bowling ball.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbour. Neighbours always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him’.

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