56 sharp, witty, and sarcastic comebacks sure to raise a laugh

08/20/2025 by

If you’re looking for some sarcastic comebacks, then I’ve curated some today from the world of TV comedy and film. 

They’re all sharp, witty, and sure to deliver a sting with style. 

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

sarcastic comebacks
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Sarcastic Comebacks:

1. From TV Comedy: dry and sarcastic

  1. I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. – Anonymous (often seen in Veep-style snark)
  2. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today. – (Veep) 
  3. Somewhere out there, a village is missing its idiot. – Veep character (Julia Louis-Dreyfus)
  4. Your secret is safe with my indifference. – The Devil Wears Prada, Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep)
  5. By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me. – Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada
  6. You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. – Woody (Tom Hanks), Toy Story
  7. I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog?faced buffoon. – The Princess Bride, Inigo (Mandy Patinkin)
  8. To call you stupid would insult stupid people. – A Fish Called Wanda (Kevin Kline’s character)
  9. You are what the French call, les incompetents. – Home Alone (Joe Pesci)
  10. That’s it! I’ve had it with you and your emotional constipation. – Tarzan (1999)
  11. Face it, you’re a neo?maxi?zoom dweebie. – The Breakfast Club (1985)
  12. If I wanted a joke, I’d follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. – Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987)
  13. You look like an old mop.”– Bridesmaids (Kristen Wiig)
  14. I don’t want you to be the PG?13 guy… I want you to be the rated?R guy. – Swingers (Vince Vaughn)
  15. Isn’t it dangerous to use your entire vocabulary in one sentence? – Oliver & Company (Disney)

2. From film: Witty one-liners and comebacks

  1. You’re tacky and I hate you. – Freddy (School of Rock, 2003) 
  2. It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one. – Alan (Zach Galifianakis), The Hangover
  3. What is this? A centre for ants? – Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander 
  4. I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all, and it’s terrible. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  5. I feel the need… the need for speed. – Maverick (Top Gun, Tom Cruise) used sarcastically
  6. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. – Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin), The Princess Bride
  7. If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer. – Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
  8. No, I am your father. – Darth Vader (James Earl Jones), Star Wars: Episode V
  9. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! – French Taunter (John Cleese), Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  10. You’re a sad, pathetic, strange little man… – Sailing on grief vs pity but still fun.
  11. You’re proof personality skips generations. – (Anonymous savage clapback style)
  12. You’re a sandwich with no filling—hollow and disappointing. – (Anonymous from sassy quotes list)
  13. Your vibe is like decaf coffee—nobody asked for it. – (Anonymous sarcastic zinger)
  14. I don’t keep secrets—I just keep people out of my business. – (Anonymous)
  15. My silence doesn’t mean I agree—it means your ignorance is speechless. – (Anonymous)
  16. You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth. – (Anonymous)
  17. Zombies eat brains. You’re safe. – (Anonymous)
  18. I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I go normal occasionally. – (Anonymous)
  19. Sorry, I’m late. I loved my last few minutes of not being here. – (Anonymous)
  20. Ugliness is fixable. Stupidity is forever. – (Anonymous)
  21. Be the reason someone smiles… or someone drinks. Whatever works. – (Anonymous)
  22. Marriage: when your crappy day doesn’t end at work. – (Anonymous)
  23. If you’re waiting for me to care, pack a lunch. – (Anonymous)
  24. Sometimes I wish I were nicer—but then I laugh and continue. – (Anonymous)
  25. I’d swallow popcorn kernels just to make my cremation fun. – (Anonymous dark humor)
sarcastic comebacks
Sarcastic Comebacks

3. Classic zingers and quick hits

  1. Yes?that?was?sarcasm?haters?gonna?hate. – (sarcastic classic)
  2. Oh joy, more unsolicited advice. My favourite. – dry quip.
  3. Being an ass doesn’t make you interesting. – sharp retort
  4. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. – common witty retort.
  5. Mirrors don’t laugh – be grateful for that. – anonymous, sassy.
  6. Take a day off being a jerk and give us a break. – anon comeback
  7. If you had a personality, I’d subscribe. – (sarcastic tone).
  8. I hope you step on a Lego brick barefoot. – (extra petty).
  9. You’re like a speed bump – slowing everyone down. – anon
  10. You’re more buffering than a paused stream. – anon
  11. Your drama is more predictable than tabloid headlines. – anon 

4. Premium sarcasm

  1. Your level of ambition is so low, it circulates backwards. – kilter burn.
  2. I didn’t realise we were playing ‘Stupid Olympics’ today. – sarcastic quip.
  3. Sarcasm: just one of my many services. – dry one?
  4. You had me rolling… my eyes. – classic sarcastic comeback.
  5. O’Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottom of ponds! … Fawlty Towers by John Cleese & Connie Booth.
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