75 Amusing quotes by unknown authors you’ll love

04/02/2026 by

Today, I am exploring amusing quotes by unknown authors.

I am a collector of quotes, and I’ve got thousands from the great names and thinkers of the past, as well as some from more recent times.

However, many quotes I stumble on are by unknown authors.

Nevertheless, if they are memorable or amusing, they are still worth circulating.

So, I’ve been going through my journals to curate some amusing quotes for you, dear reader.

Therefore, without further ado, here are 75 amusing quotes by unknown authors that I think will make you smile. Certainly, some of them will; I’m confident of that.

Enjoy them all and feel free to share them.

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Amusing Quotes by Unknown Authors

  1. Save water, drink wine.
  2. There is no ‘we’ in fries.
  3. I’m not fat; I’m just easy to see.
  4. I love my job; it’s the work I hate.
  5. My favourite sport is channel surfing.
  6. My job is secure. No one else wants it.
  7. A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
  8. My get-up-and-go has got up and gone.
  9. I am in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
  10. I’m not a quitter. I’m just good at giving up.
  11. If life is a journey, I’m pretty sure I’m lost.
  12. The secret to a long life is to keep breathing.
  13. I don’t have bad handwriting; I have my own font.
  14. My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it.
  15. I followed my heart, and it led me to the kitchen.
  16. My superpower is forgetting why I walked into a room.
  17. I have the body of a god. Unfortunately, it’s Buddha.
  18. My life motto is ‘It could be worse, but I’m not sure how’.
  19. Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhoea.
  20. My hobbies include eating and complaining about getting fat.
  21. I’m just a girl, looking at a salad, asking it to be a donut.
  22. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
  23. My resume is just a list of things I never want to do again.
  24. I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
  25. I don’t trip over things; I do random gravity checks.
  26. Yes, I love my job. It’s the people I can’t stand.
  27. I follow my heart, but it usually leads me to the fridge.
  28. I’m going to stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
  29. The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
  30. Doing nothing is hard; you never know when you’re finished.
  31. If life is a movie, I feel like the character who dies in the first scene.
  32. Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
  33. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
  34. I arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
  35. The only marathon I run is on Netflix.
  36. My phone is my best friend. It knows all my secrets and never judges my selfies.
  37. If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll be happy to do it for you.
  38. Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk, and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
  39. A best friend is someone who knows exactly how crazy you are but is still willing to be seen with you in public.
  40. Siblings: the only people you can be annoyed with one minute and then laughing with the next.
  41. The more I know about people, the more I like my dog.
  42. I can eat cake because it’s always somebody’s birthday somewhere.
  43. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. So, chocolate is just salad.
  44. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
  45. Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
  46. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  47. If you can’t be a good example, you can always be a terrible warning.
  48. I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
  49. God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.
  50. My room isn’t messy; it’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.
  51. My brain: ‘You should go for a run.’ My legs: ‘Don’t listen to him, he’s crazy.’
  52. I’ve reached the age where getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.
  53. Never laugh at your wife’s choices, because you’re one of them.
  54. I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?
  55. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off right now.
  56. I haven’t even started my to-do list, and I’m already exhausted.
  57. How come the reward for a job well done is more work?
  58. Nothing ruins a Friday like realising it’s only Tuesday.
  59. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  60. If life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party.
  61. Social media is where we go to pretend our lives are perfect.
  62. The internet: where you go to waste time you don’t have, arguing with people you don’t know, about things that don’t matter.
  63. I’m so old, I can remember when ‘cloud’ was just something in the sky.
  64. My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships.
  65. I don’t need an inspirational quote; I need a vacation.
  66. My life is a constant battle between wanting to save money and wanting to buy things I don’t need.
  67. I don’t have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to nonsense.
  68. My friends and I are the reason the phrase ‘don’t try this at home‘ exists.
  69. My ambition is to be the person who gets paid to test mattresses.
  70. The road to success is always under construction, and I’m the one stuck in traffic.
  71. If life is a stage, I’m the one who forgot his lines.
  72. The only thing I’m certain about is that I can’t be certain about anything at all.
  73. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you were stupid and made poor choices.
  74. In a crisis, the person smiling is the one who has found someone to blame.
  75. I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying nobody has ever seen Batman and me in the same room together. Surely, that’s making you think.
Phil Sutton

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Did any of these amusing quotes by unknown authors tickle you, dear reader?

You did? I hope so.

If that is the case, then please share them with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share them now. If you can do that for me, I really would be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

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