Today I am exploring comedy quotes. By that, I mean humorous quotes from American comedy television and the movies.
I’m thinking about everything, including absurdity, sarcasm, awkward charm, sharp wit and anything perfect for keeping the laughter going.
I’ve selected 25 comedy quotes from my journal, so take a look and enjoy them all.
And, please, feel free to share them with your friends.
Brilliant Comedy Quotes
1. TV Comedy Shows
- “Why does everything I love run away from me?”
— Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock - “I’m a snack. A Smart Snack. I’m like almonds.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), The Good Place - “I’m not interested in caring about people.”
— April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza), Parks and Recreation - “If I were a superhero, my power would be passive-aggression.”
— Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends - “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.”
— Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker), The Office (US) - “Sometimes I wish I were a l*sbian… did I say that out loud?”
— Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends - “It’s never too early for ice cream.”
— Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation - “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed b*tch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
— Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chabert), Mean Girls (also a film, but frequently quoted in sitcom-style banter) - “I am the human disaster.”
— Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl - “You could drown in that voice.”
— Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace - “That’s a lot of feelings to pack into one sentence, and I don’t like it.”
— Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg), Brooklyn Nine-Nine - “Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt no doubt no doubt.”
— Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), Community - “I live in a constant state of fear and misery.”
— Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers - “I once forgot my own birthday. I thought it was tomorrow.”
— Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation - “It’s pronounced ‘Zee-ro’ not ‘Zero.’ I’m European now.”
— Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek - “You know how I know you’re g*y? You like Coldplay.”
— Seth (Jonah Hill), Superbad (film, but often referenced in TV-style quips) - “I went outside once. The graphics were good, but the gameplay sucked.”
— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory - “I’m gonna go lie down for twenty minutes and hope everything fixes itself.”
— Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero), Brooklyn Nine-Nine - “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
— George Lopez (George Lopez), George Lopez Show - “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
— Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace - “I love you, but I love me more.”
— Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), S*x and the City - “I’m not a morning person. Or a night person. Let’s just say I’m not a person.”
— Daria Morgendorffer (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria - “Every time I try to do something fun, you make it not that way.”
— Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US) - “I am an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a vest.”
— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl - “I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. But I want one. Preferably rich and emotionally unavailable.”
— Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project
2. Comedy Movies:
- “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”
— President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove - “I have n*pples, Greg. Could you milk me?”
— Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro), Meet the Parents - “I’m in a dress. I have gel in my hair. I haven’t slept all night. I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.”
— Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock), Miss Congeniality - “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
— Anna Scott (Julia Roberts), Notting Hill (used humorously in ironic contexts) - “Why is the rum always gone?”
— Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), Pirates of the Caribbean - “This is like if that show ‘Cops’ was about cake.”
— Annie (Kristen Wiig), Bridesmaids - “I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books.”
— Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman - “There’s no crying in baseball!”
— Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks), A League of Their Own - “My hat blew off, Daddy!”
— Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander - “Is butter a carb?”
— Regina George (Rachel McAdams), Mean Girls - “I love lamp.”
— Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman - “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
— Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling), The Notebook (used ironically in many comedies) - “Put that cookie down! NOW!”
— Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Jingle All the Way - “Did I do that?”
— Steve Urkel (Jaleel White), Family Matters (TV show) - “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”
— Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner), Who Framed Roger Rabbit - “He’s so hot right now.”
— Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Zoolander - “We came, we saw, we kicked its a*s!”
— Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters - “Flair. You know, like buttons. Pieces of flair.”
— Joanna (Jennifer Aniston), Office Space - “She doesn’t even go here!”
— Damian (Daniel Franzese), Mean Girls - “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”
— Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf - “I thought they smelled bad… on the outside!”
— Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (quoted in comedic contexts) - “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
— Johnny (Tommy Wiseau), The Room (infamous cult comedy gold) - “It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
— Alan (Zach Galifianakis), The Hangover - “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
— Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman - “I don’t know what we’re yelling about!”
— Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman
3. Dry, Sarcastic, and Sassy Quotes (TV & Movies)
- “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.”
— Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling), The Office (US) - “You’re not the worst person in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
— Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock - “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
— Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends - “I’ll have what she’s having.”
— Woman in deli (Estelle Reiner), When Harry Met Sally - “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
— Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That ’70s Show - “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
— Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls - “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
— Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), Glee - “I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.”
— Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek - “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
— Max Black (Kat Dennings), 2 Broke Girls - “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
— Nicky (Natasha Lyonne), Orange Is the New Black - “Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?”
— Detective Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), Bad Boys - “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory - “My give-a-damn’s busted.”
— Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls - “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.”
— Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls - “I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
— Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation - “I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
— Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine - “I don’t do hypotheticals. I’m either right or I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong.”
— Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation - “I want you to know I’m really happy for you. And by happy I mean furious.”
— Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl - “My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat.”
— Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project - “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
— Monica Geller (Courteney Cox), Friends - “You’re so full of crap, your eyes are brown.”
— Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki), Supernatural - “I’m not judging you, I’m just saying you’re wrong.”
— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory - “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
— Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine - “You don’t deserve a good hair day.”
— Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace - “Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester), Gossip Girl
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