31 amusing quotes by Woody Allen to raise a smile

Today I thought it might be amusing to explore some of the many quotes by Woody Allen. A man with a ready supply of witty one-liners that are always guaranteed to raise a smile.

As many readers will know, Woody Allen is an American film director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades and multiple Academy Award-winning films.

He began his career writing material for television in the 1950s, and he’s written several books, as well as humorous pieces for the magazine The New Yorker.

Woody Allen has developed a monologue style of comedy, rather than traditional jokes, and his stage persona is that of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish.

In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Woody Allen fourth on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Woody Allen the third-greatest comedian.

Anyway, here are 31 amusing quotes by Woody Allen and I hope you enjoy them all.

Please feel free to share them with your friends.

Quotes by Woody Allen (1-10):

1. Marriage is the death of hope.
2. Eighty per cent of success is showing up.
3. I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
4. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
5. My one regret in life is that I’m not someone else.
6. Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
7. I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
8. What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
9. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
10. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Quotes by Woody Allen (11-20):

11. I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
12. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.
13. I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
14. When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
15. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
16. If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
17. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
18. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
19. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
20. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

Quotes by Woody Allen (21-31):

21. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
22. Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
23. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
24. Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath, and she’d come in and sink my boats.
25. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
26. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
27. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
28. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
29. Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
30. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
31. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

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