25 Quotes from the Barney Miller Television Sitcom

In the golden age of 1970s television sitcoms, Barney Miller stood out—not for flashy action or laugh-track hijinks, but for its sharp wit, warm humanity, and a dingy squad room that became home to some of TV’s most memorable characters.

Set almost entirely within the walls of a New York City police precinct, the series balanced dry humour with a surprising dose of realism, giving audiences something rare: a sitcom that was funny, thoughtful, and deeply human.

At its centre was Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden), the calm, steady leader who anchored his detectives through bizarre cases and everyday absurdities.

Surrounding him was a wonderfully mismatched crew: the perpetually grumbling Detective Fish, who sighed, “If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Usually, it’s another.”; streetwise Yemana, forever making dreadful coffee and shrugging, “It’s not the taste, it’s the experience.”; the stylish, ambitious Harris, who insisted, “I’m not just a cop—I’m a cop with style.”; and the earnest, well-meaning Detective Wojciehowicz (“Wojo”), whose innocence often collided with the gritty realities of the job, leading to both laughs and moments of surprising poignancy.

What made Barney Miller special was its ability to turn small, often ridiculous situations into big laughs while never losing sight of the humanity beneath the humour.

Long before the era of The Office or Brooklyn Nine-Nine, it pioneered workplace comedy as a space where character quirks and relationships took precedence over plot.

For viewers today, it remains more than just a sitcom—it’s a reminder that even in the most chaotic precinct, empathy, wit, and a little patience can keep the whole place together.

Barney Miller is one of my all-time favourite sitcoms, and if you’ve never seen it, I recommend checking it out on YouTube.

Here are some quotes from the series to give you a flavour for what it was all about.

Quotes from Barney Miller:

“Apparently someone did.”
— Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden) — dryly summing up how Chano killed both hostage?takers after Fish describes the crime
“That’s some dirty guy.”
— Detective Sgt. Chano Amenguale (Max Julien) — after describing obscene phone calls to Yemana
“Divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don’t fix the leg.”
— Yemana (Gregory Sierra) — weirdly practical analogy about divorce
“You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.”
— Captain Barney Miller — commenting on Fish’s grumpiness during bicentennial rioting
“I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.”
— Captain Barney Miller — when Wojo describes a horse mistaken for a missing animal
“Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It’s my busy season.”
— Captain Barney Miller — in response to Liz’s desire for a day trip
“Hello? Hello? Hello, Bomb Disposal?”
— Captain Barney Miller — growling into a shared phone line before recognizing it’s Wojo
“I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you’d be the first one I’d call.”
— Captain Barney Miller — praising Fish dryly, after Fish quips he needs time to put in false teeth
“Sounds like menopause. I caught it from Bernice.”
— Captain Barney Miller — when Fish describes body changes in mid?life
“You’re not supposed to hide. You’re supposed to try and make it better.”
— Captain Barney Miller — encouraging Mr. Webber amid despair over city troubles
“Two armed men… it’d have gone on all day if someone didn’t get inside.”
— Fish (Abe Vigoda) / Barney Miller — after recounting a failed hostage situation
“No.”
— Captain Barney Miller — in response to Elizabeth asking if they can afford a Paris holiday, then taking her to lunch
“Arrest the first nak*d guy you see with a dirty mouth.”
— Captain Barney Miller — blunt directive during a bizarre situation
“That’s okay. I don’t want to hear it.”
— Captain Barney Miller — after Wojo apologizes for being late
“Is that some dirty joke you’re telling me, Dietrich?”
— Captain Barney Miller — reacting to Dietrich explaining his involvement in the “New Celibacy Movement”
“I wish we had a psychiatrist in town; I bet Barney would be a real study.”
— Andy (Gary Burghoff) — dryly about Barney’s behaviour
“There ain’t no gold. And don’t be hanging around when that truck comes through.”
— Barney Fife (Don Knotts) — in classic small?town style from his namesake series quoted on the site
“Man gets his best suit spotted and pressed… and for what? Heartaches!”
— Barney Fife — scornful reflection on grooming versus heartbreak
“We defy the Mafia!!!”
— Barney Fife — bold declaration of local bravado
“Like they always say… the quality of mercy is not strained… well, you’re not talking to a jerk, you know!”
— Barney Fife — mock-quoting Shakespeare to insult someone
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to work with someone who thinks he knows everything?”
— Barney Fife — exasperated hardware-suitment from Mayberry
“And get that g*n out of your mouth!”
— Andy — direct, terse reaction in a tense moment
“Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?”
— Opie — blunt kid?logic in classic catch?phrase style
“We thought about killing him, kind of hated to go that far.”
— Briscoe Darlin — grimly comedic assessment of frustration
“Fly a quail through here and every one of ’em would point.”
— Barney Fife — absurd observational comedy at a party

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25 Quotes from the Barney Miller Television Sitcom

Quotes from Barney Miller:

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25 Quotes from the Barney Miller Television Sitcom

Quotes from Barney Miller:

Please share this post with your friends:

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