25 corny puns that’ll make you smile or make you cringe

03/20/2024 by

Do you like corny puns, dear reader? I hope so, because I’ve pulled together 25 of them for you. They’ll make you smile or make you cringe, but either way, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clever wordplay.

So sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Corny Puns:

  1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
  2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
  3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
  4. Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter? Swarm.
  5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
  6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
  7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
  8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
  9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
  10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
  11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
  12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
  13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
  14. Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
  15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
  16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
  17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
  18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
  19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
  20. I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
  21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
  22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
  23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
  24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
  25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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27 corny but funny puns to raise a smile or two

01/24/2024 by

Funny PunsIf you like funny puns, then I’ve put together a batch of very corny ones in the hope they will raise a smile or two. They all made me smile, but for me, the cornier the pun, the better.

So, I hope you enjoy them all, dear reader.

If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny puns:

  1. Odorless chemicals just don’t make scents.
  2. I love how the Earth rotates. It makes my day.
  3. I was working in a glue factory, but I couldn’t stick with it.
  4. Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
  5. The cost of the space program is astronomical.
  6. I was inconsolable when my PlayStation was stolen.
  7. Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.
  8. I googled “how to start a fire” and got 869,000 matches.
  9. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
  10. I used to be a history teacher, but there’s no future in it.
  11. How’s my long-distance relationship going? So far, so good.
  12. I cancelled my gym membership because it wasn’t working out.
  13. Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
  14. I felt lonely, so I bought some shares. It’s nicer to have some company.
  15. If you’re thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.
  16. To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
  17. I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit. 
  18. I sued the airport for mislaying my baggage, but I lost my case.
  19. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator, and only a fraction of people will find that funny.
  20. I get claustrophobic in elevators, so I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
  21. Tennis players have a hard time with relationships because love means nothing to them.
  22. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter!
  23. A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in an algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
  24. What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire. 
  25. The thing about shopping centres is that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a mall.
  26. My housemate told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
  27. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse replied, “No change yet.”

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Funny PunsPlease share this post with your friends:

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Thank you.

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

01/22/2024 by

witty quotes from funny peopleI love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them, then please share this post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

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33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

12/05/2023 by

WITTY ONE-LINERSWould you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day, dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again, I’ve been trawling my journals to assemble a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time, and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all, and please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners (1-11):

  1. Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
  2. My patience has stretch marks.
  3. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.  
  4. Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
  5. Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
  6. I used to be a banker but I lost interest. 
  7. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  8. Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at! 
  9. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
  10. Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
  11. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Witty one-liners (12-22):

  1. I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
  2. I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
  3. Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa. 
  4. I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
  5. The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
  6. Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
  7. Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them. 
  8. Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
  9. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
  10. I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
  11. If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?

Witty one-liners (23-33):

  1. I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
  2. Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
  3. England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
  4. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
  5. I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time. 
  6. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  7. Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
  8. BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
  9. Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
  10. I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  11. Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Please share this post with your friends:

Witty One-LinersIf you enjoyed this post, dear reader, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be forever grateful.

You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

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27 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

10/28/2023 by

Witty One-LinersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two, but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 27 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp, then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you, dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two, and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners (1-10):

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning, ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge. ~Author Unknown
  4. I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it. ~Author Unknown
  5. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  6. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  7. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  8. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  9. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  10. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe

Witty One-Liners (11-20):

  1. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  2. I was trying to write a novel about puns, but it just turned out to be a play on words. ~Author Unknown
  3. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ ~Author Unknown
  4. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.’ ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  5. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So, I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  6. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  7. People say I’ve got no willpower, but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  8. I tried to write a pun about the wind, but it just blew away. ~Author Unknown
  9. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought, ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?‘ ~Paul McCaffrey
  10. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Witty One-Liners (21-27):

  1. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  2. I used to be a baker, but I could never make enough dough. ~Author Unknown
  3. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache, and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  4. “What’s a couple?’ I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. ~Josie Long
  5. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  6. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  7. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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60 witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile

09/25/2023 by

60 QUOTES TO MAKE YOU SMILEToday I offer you some witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile, dear reader.

If you’re having a tough time, the best medicine to improve how you feel is a little laughter and a few quotes that will resonate with you.

In the blog post that follows, there is a treasure trove of sparkling wit and wisdom. Handpicked, these quotes are not just words – they’re little rays of sunshine wrapped in syllables.

So, dive into this delightful reservoir and let the words tickle your funny bone and lighten your heart!”

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Quotes to make you smile (1-10):

  1. I’m not odd; I’m a limited edition.
  2. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  3. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  4. If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.
  5. I’m not lazy. I’m in energy-saving mode.
  6. I wish more people were fluent in silence.
  7. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  8. If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.
  9. My house was clean last week. Sorry, you missed it.
  10. On the upside, bad decisions do make good stories.

Quotes to make you smile (11-20):

  1. Never trust stairs; they’re always up to something.
  2. Being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
  3. I followed my heart, and it led me straight to the fridge.
  4. I don’t have a bucket list, but my to-do list is a mile long.
  5. Yes, I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
  6. Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
  7. Having plants in the house is a great way to pretend you have your life together.
  8. You know you’re a grown-up when you get excited about a new sponge for the kitchen.
  9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of your regular debt payments.
  10. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I started. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms, four bags of Maltesers and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Quotes to make you smile (21-30):

  1. If being an adult is soup, then I’m a fork.
  2. I’m not late; I’m just operating in a different time zone.
  3. If you’re hotter than me, then I guess I’m cooler than you.
  4. I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is 14 days.
  5. The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions.
  6. Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
  7. You never truly understand something until you try to explain it to a toddler.
  8. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  9. Laughter is like a windshield wiper; it doesn’t stop the rain but lets you keep going.
  10. My bed and I have a special relationship; we’re perfect for each other. But my alarm clock just doesn’t seem to understand.

Quotes to make you smile (31-40):

  1. I didn’t trip, I was doing a random gravity check.
  2. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  3. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?”
  4. If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  5. Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is?
  6. I’m writing a book on procrastination. I’ll start tomorrow.
  7. The fridge is a perfect example of what matters is on the inside.
  8. Life update: Currently holding it all together with a single bobby pin.
  9. My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.
  10. To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Quotes to make you smile (41-50):

  1. Exercise? I’m sorry, I thought you said, ‘extra fries’.
  2. I tried to be agreeable once. Worst two minutes of my life.
  3. My favourite childhood memory is not having to pay bills.
  4. I don’t need an inspirational quote in the morning. I need coffee.
  5. If you see me talking to myself, just know I’m having a staff meeting.
  6. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  7. My greatest wish in life is that someone would want me like I want chocolate cake.
  8. Diet Day 1: I have removed all the unhealthy food from the house. It was delicious.
  9. You’re never too old to throw random stuff in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
  10. Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy wine and chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.

Quotes to make you smile (51-60):

  1. I’m currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too.
  2. Yes, I have a six-pack. It’s just protected by a layer of fat.
  3. Behind every working mother is a substantial amount of coffee.
  4. You know you’re old when your candles cost more than your cake.
  5. I think I need glasses because I keep seeing people with two faces.
  6. Common sense is so rare these days, that it should be considered a superpower.
  7. If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
  8. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing the other person is a complete idiot.
  9. I never run. So, if you see me running, you should run too because something very scary will be chasing me.
  10. When you realise that stressed is just desserts spelt backwards, you’ll understand the importance of comfort food.

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60 QUOTES TO MAKE YOU SMILEIf you enjoyed these witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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35 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

08/31/2023 by

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFEToday I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. Every quote on the list I’ve curated made me smile, so I hope at least a few of them make you smile too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny quotes about life (1-10):

  1. A wise man once said nothing.
  2. Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  3. I’m not lazy. I’m just in energy-saving mode.
  4. Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
  5. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  6. Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
  7. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  8. Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
  9. Life is like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
  10. I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money.

Funny quotes about life (11-20):

  1. Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
  2. You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
  3. Housework probably won’t kill you, but why take the risk?
  4. Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
  5. Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
  6. Stressed spelt backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
  7. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
  8. Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
  9. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
  10. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.

Funny quotes about life (21-35):

  1. The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
  2. If you think you’re too small to be effective, try sleeping with a mosquito.
  3. Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favour.
  4. You may call them swear words but to me, they’re just sentence enhancers.
  5. There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
  6. They say you attract what you fear. Well, $10 million scares the life out of me.
  7. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  8. I made a giant ‘To Do List’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
  9. You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
  10. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
  11. You never know how much you’ve got in life until you decide to de-clutter your house.
  12. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
  13. Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  14. Never trust people who smile constantly. Either they’re selling something or they’re not very bright.
  15. During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night, I’m more open-minded.

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60 British insults for getting your message across

04/19/2023 by

BRITISH INSULTSWhen it comes to insults the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so but then again I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

  1. Get lost!
  2. You stink!
  3. You wazzock!
  4. A pox on you.
  5. Do one, tosser!
  6. You gormless git!
  7. You silly plonker!
  8. Shove it up your ass!
  9. You pointless prick!
  10. Just get out of my sight.
  11. You’re as daft as a brush.
  12. You sir are a waste of space.
  13. You’re an absolute doorknob.
  14. You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
  15. You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
  16. Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
  17. You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
  18. You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
  19. Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
  20. You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

  1. You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
  2. Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
  3. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  4. Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
  5. You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
  6. Do you have anything edible on the menu?
  7. Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
  8. You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
  9. Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
  10. Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
  11. You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
  12. You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
  13. Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
  14. You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
  15. You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
  16. Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
  17. I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
  18. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  19. I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
  20. I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

  1. British-InsultsPerhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
  2. Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
  3. Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
  4. Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
  5. Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
  6. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
  7. Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
  8. If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
  9. Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
  10. With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
  11. I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
  12. I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
  13. What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
  14. If you want to lose weight quickly dear, you could try shaving your legs.
  15. I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
  16. I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a minge bag like you.
  17. People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
  18. If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
  19. Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
  20. I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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If you did enjoy this article then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy British insults, so please share this post now.

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Thank you.

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