15 Quotes by Milton Berle that are sharp and funny

Quotes-by-Milton-BerleSadly he’s no longer with us, but Milton Berle was a comedian and actor from the golden age of American television.

He’s generally regarded as the first major American television star and he was known to millions as Uncle Miltie and Mr Television.

Younger readers probably won’t remember him, or possibly even heard of him, but he was funny and very sharp.

To prove the point, here are 15 Quotes by Milton Berle.

Quotes by Milton Berle:

  1. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? ~Milton Berle
  2. If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. ~Milton Berle
  3. Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle
  4. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ~Milton Berle
  5. You can lead a man to Congress but you can’t make him think. ~Milton Berle
  6. They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. ~Milton Berle
  7. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. ~Milton Berle
  8. I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do but I don’t know how to make it interesting. ~Milton Berle
  9. Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name. ~Milton Berle
  10. Money can’t buy you happiness but it helps you look for it in a lot more places. ~Milton Berle
  11. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine. ~Milton Berle
  12. The problem with life is by the time you can read women like a book your library card has expired. ~Milton Berle
  13. It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. ~Milton Berle
  14. A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them! ~Milton Berle
  15. This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!” ~Milton Berle

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22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

MURRAYISMSIf you’re wondering what Murrayisms are then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary, Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing, and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. And his way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket and it’s not, it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact IF is F1 spelled backwards.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe and it never should be in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve not idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.

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15 funny quotes to gladden your heart

FUNNY QUOTESI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love quotes. And I’m always on the lookout for great quotes, and particularly funny quotes.

Many great quotes have influenced my own personal philosophy.

Others have been really useful as a means for reinforcing messages in presentations.

And then there are those that just make me smile.

I’m referring to those funny quotes that resonate with me, whilst offering a germ truth within the underlying wit.

So here are 15 funny quotes to gladden your heart and make you smile.

Enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Funny Quotes:

  1. In my defence, I was left unsupervised.
  2. I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
  3. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  4. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
  5. If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.
  6. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
  7. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  8. The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
  9. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
  10. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
  11. Life has no hands but it can still give you a slap in the face sometimes.
  12. Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then it’s just suspicious.
  13. Having great power is wonderful until you get the electricity bill.
  14. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you’d like to punch in the face.
  15. Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. ~Author Unknown

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33 funny clever quotes that’ll amuse you

Funny Clever QuotesLooking for some funny clever quotes, dear reader? Well, I’ve curated 33 little gems which I’m confident will amuse you.

If you like good quotes, then you’ll love some of these on offer today.

These are in fact some of my favourite quotes of all time.

So, take a few moments to read them all and please feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Enjoy!

Funny clever quotes (1-20):

  1. I saw a stationery store move. ~Jay London
  2. I never said most of the things I said. ~Yogi Berra
  3. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. ~Erma Bombeck
  4. What’s another word for Thesaurus? ~Steve Wright
  5. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. ~Katharine Hepburn
  6. I can resist everything except temptation. ~Oscar Wilde
  7. It’s simple if it jiggles, it’s fat. ~Arnold Schwarzenegger
  8. I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand. ~Charles M. Schulz
  9. Only the mediocre are always at their best. ~Jean Giraudoux
  10. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. ~Woody Allen
  11. Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. ~Thor Heyerdahl
  12. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ~Don Marquis
  13. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
  14. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~Groucho Marx
  15. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. ~Mark Twain
  16. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse. ~Thomas Szasz
  17. Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. ~Robert A. Heinlein
  18. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. ~Alexander Woollcott
  19. Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese. ~Luis Bunuel
  20. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. ~Mitch Hedberg

Funny clever quotes (21-33):

  1. Do not take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive. ~Elbert Hubbard
  2. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. ~Bertrand Russell
  3. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ~Henry Kissinger
  4. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Fred Allen
  5. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. ~Jules Renard
  6. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~George Burns
  7. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. ~Rodney Dangerfield
  8. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~Isaac Asimov
  9. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. ~W. H. Auden
  11. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ~George Bernard Shaw
  12. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  13. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~Lana Turner

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