30 corny one-liners you might just enjoy

12/26/2023 by

corny one-linersLooking for some corny one-liners, dear reader? A few corny jokes to make you smile?

Well, I’ve got 30 of them today, just for you.

I can assure you that these are all full ‘groan’. However, I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two in the process.

So take a few minutes, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, feel free to pass them on.

Corny one-liners (1-15):

  1. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
  2. I hate German sausage. It’s the wurst.
  3. I used to be a tap dancer, but I fell in the sink.
  4. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
  5. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic; because it’s syncing now.
  6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  7. What did the Statue of Liberty say to the New Yorker? “You’re such a Big Apple!”
  8. Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
  9. What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!
  10. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!
  11. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
  12. I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.
  13. I was looking for my missing watch, but I couldn’t find the time.
  14. What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone!
  15. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? Nothing, it just waved!

Corny one-liners (16-30):

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  2. What did the paper say to the pencil? Stop scribbling!
  3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
  4. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  5. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
  6. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  7. What did the monkey say when he found a banana in his cereal? A-peeling!
  8. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well-armed!
  9. I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.
  10. Why doesn’t everyone learn sign language? It’s pretty handy.
  11. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
  12. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  13. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  14. Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don’t have any body to go with
  15. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw the boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

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If you were impressed and/or amused then please share this post with your friends on social media.

People love corny jokes, so please share this post now.

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You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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31 great quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

11/20/2023 by

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your EnthusiasmToday I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, who plays a fictionalized version of himself.

Essentially, the series follows Larry’s life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

For me, it’s one of the great American sitcoms.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy, and if you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes.

Enjoy them all.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

  1. I’m yelling for society.
  2. I find human contact repulsive.
  3. Can I apologise for the apology?
  4. I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
  5. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
  6. I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
  7. Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
  8. I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
  9. I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
  10. It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
  11. Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
  12. I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
  13. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
  14. We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
  15. I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
  16. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
  17. I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
  18. Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
  19. He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
  20. Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
  21. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  22. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
  23. You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
  24. What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
  25. It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
  26. An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
  27. You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
  28. I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
  29. I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
  30. You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
  31. You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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Did you enjoy these quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

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60 witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile

09/25/2023 by

60 QUOTES TO MAKE YOU SMILEToday I offer you some witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile, dear reader.

If you’re having a tough time, the best medicine to improve how you feel is a little laughter and a few quotes that will resonate with you.

In the blog post that follows, there is a treasure trove of sparkling wit and wisdom. Handpicked, these quotes are not just words – they’re little rays of sunshine wrapped in syllables.

So, dive into this delightful reservoir and let the words tickle your funny bone and lighten your heart!”

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Quotes to make you smile (1-10):

  1. I’m not odd; I’m a limited edition.
  2. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  3. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  4. If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.
  5. I’m not lazy. I’m in energy-saving mode.
  6. I wish more people were fluent in silence.
  7. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  8. If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.
  9. My house was clean last week. Sorry, you missed it.
  10. On the upside, bad decisions do make good stories.

Quotes to make you smile (11-20):

  1. Never trust stairs; they’re always up to something.
  2. Being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
  3. I followed my heart, and it led me straight to the fridge.
  4. I don’t have a bucket list, but my to-do list is a mile long.
  5. Yes, I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
  6. Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
  7. Having plants in the house is a great way to pretend you have your life together.
  8. You know you’re a grown-up when you get excited about a new sponge for the kitchen.
  9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of your regular debt payments.
  10. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I started. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms, four bags of Maltesers and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Quotes to make you smile (21-30):

  1. If being an adult is soup, then I’m a fork.
  2. I’m not late; I’m just operating in a different time zone.
  3. If you’re hotter than me, then I guess I’m cooler than you.
  4. I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is 14 days.
  5. The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions.
  6. Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
  7. You never truly understand something until you try to explain it to a toddler.
  8. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  9. Laughter is like a windshield wiper; it doesn’t stop the rain but lets you keep going.
  10. My bed and I have a special relationship; we’re perfect for each other. But my alarm clock just doesn’t seem to understand.

Quotes to make you smile (31-40):

  1. I didn’t trip, I was doing a random gravity check.
  2. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  3. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?”
  4. If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  5. Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is?
  6. I’m writing a book on procrastination. I’ll start tomorrow.
  7. The fridge is a perfect example of what matters is on the inside.
  8. Life update: Currently holding it all together with a single bobby pin.
  9. My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.
  10. To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Quotes to make you smile (41-50):

  1. Exercise? I’m sorry, I thought you said, ‘extra fries’.
  2. I tried to be agreeable once. Worst two minutes of my life.
  3. My favourite childhood memory is not having to pay bills.
  4. I don’t need an inspirational quote in the morning. I need coffee.
  5. If you see me talking to myself, just know I’m having a staff meeting.
  6. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  7. My greatest wish in life is that someone would want me like I want chocolate cake.
  8. Diet Day 1: I have removed all the unhealthy food from the house. It was delicious.
  9. You’re never too old to throw random stuff in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
  10. Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy wine and chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.

Quotes to make you smile (51-60):

  1. I’m currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too.
  2. Yes, I have a six-pack. It’s just protected by a layer of fat.
  3. Behind every working mother is a substantial amount of coffee.
  4. You know you’re old when your candles cost more than your cake.
  5. I think I need glasses because I keep seeing people with two faces.
  6. Common sense is so rare these days, that it should be considered a superpower.
  7. If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
  8. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing the other person is a complete idiot.
  9. I never run. So, if you see me running, you should run too because something very scary will be chasing me.
  10. When you realise that stressed is just desserts spelt backwards, you’ll understand the importance of comfort food.

Please share this post with your friends:

60 QUOTES TO MAKE YOU SMILEIf you enjoyed these witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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35 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

08/31/2023 by

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFEToday I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. Every quote on the list I’ve curated made me smile, so I hope at least a few of them make you smile too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny quotes about life (1-10):

  1. A wise man once said nothing.
  2. Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  3. I’m not lazy. I’m just in energy-saving mode.
  4. Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
  5. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  6. Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
  7. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  8. Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
  9. Life is like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
  10. I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money.

Funny quotes about life (11-20):

  1. Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
  2. You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
  3. Housework probably won’t kill you, but why take the risk?
  4. Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
  5. Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
  6. Stressed spelt backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
  7. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
  8. Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
  9. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
  10. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.

Funny quotes about life (21-35):

  1. The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
  2. If you think you’re too small to be effective, try sleeping with a mosquito.
  3. Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favour.
  4. You may call them swear words but to me, they’re just sentence enhancers.
  5. There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
  6. They say you attract what you fear. Well, $10 million scares the life out of me.
  7. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  8. I made a giant ‘To Do List’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
  9. You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
  10. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
  11. You never know how much you’ve got in life until you decide to de-clutter your house.
  12. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
  13. Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  14. Never trust people who smile constantly. Either they’re selling something or they’re not very bright.
  15. During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night, I’m more open-minded.

Please share this post with your friends:

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFEIf you enjoyed these funny quotes about life, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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