13 corny jokes that will really make you smile


Corny JokesLife shouldn’t be serious all the time. Occasionally we all need to smile.

So my question to you today is; do you like corny jokes?

No?

Well that’s a pity because I’ve found 13 of them that made me smile. And I hope they will make you smile too.

The source of these corny jokes is a website called Tickld which is new to me.

However I had a very pleasant time enjoying all the funnies it had on offer.

A link to Tickld is included so take a look but not before you’ve enjoyed what I thought was some of their best corny jokes.

And here are those 13 corny jokes for you:-

Corny Jokes:

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said: Thank you.

And I said: Don’t mention it!

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

My friend said to me: What rhymes with orange?

And I said: No it doesn’t!

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

 

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

 

Corny JokesSo what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

 

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

 

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

 

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Please share these jokes with your friends on social media:

So did these corny jokes really make you smile? Were they all you hoped they’d be dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

Share the fun and everyone wins. Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day

And if you’d like to see what else Tickld has to offer then just CLICK HERE.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud

Hilarious jokes sure to make you laughIf you’re in need of a good laugh and let’s face it, we all need a good laugh, then once again and I’ve been collecting jokes just for you dear reader.

I’ve done the hard work so you don’t have to and I’m confident that you will find today’s joke collection very funny.

So here is another batch of hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh.

And remember; if they have you falling over laughing your socks off then please, please share them with your friends on social media but not before you’ve actually enjoyed today’s jokes.

1. One man and his talking dog:

Jim walks into a New York bar with his dog Fido.

Jim walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Fido and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Fido can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?

Listen buddy, if you can demonstrate that Fido can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Jim turns to Fido and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?

Roof!” Fido responds.

What does tree bark feel like?” asks Jim.

Rough!” says Fido.

Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Jim.

Ruth!” says Fido.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing and he snaps at Jim. “You’re a phoney buddy. We’re not fooled by any of that. You and your dog can get out of here right now. Go on, on your way!

As Jim and his dog are thrown out on to the street, Fido looks sadly at Jim and says. “What did I do wrong? Should I have said Joe DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle?

2. The thief and the Parrot:

A thief breaks into a house when he thinks no one will be at home.

He’s creeping carefully through the property and as he steps into the lounge he’s stopped dead in his tracks when he suddenly hears someone say very clearly, “Jesus is watching you!

He stands very still for a moment until everything in the house falls silent again. At this point he moves forward very slowly.

Once again he hears that voice, “Jesus is watching you!

The thief is now frightened out of his wits and he stops once again to focus on locating the voice.

He’s looking around peering into the darkness when he spots a birdcage and in the birdcage is a parrot.

The thief looks the parrot in the eyes and asks, “Was that you who said, ‘Jesus is watching me’?

Yes”, said the parrot.

The thief relaxes and breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness for that”, he says to the parrot. “What’s your name?

The family here call me Ronald”, said the parrot.

Ronald? You cannot be serious!” laughs the thief. “What sort of family calls their pet parrot Ronald?

The sort of family who call their ferocious, Rottweiler guard dog Jesus” the parrot responds.

3. Hospital banter:

Five surgeons are taking their lunch break and enjoying a little banter to relax. The conversation moves on quickly to the people they regard as the best patients.

The first surgeon says, “For me, it’s got to be accountants. They are the best people to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, “No, I don’t agree. Librarians have to be the best people on which to operate because everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The third surgeon thinks for a minute, smiles and then he says, “Sounds like you’ve never operated on an electrician. When you open them up you’ll find everything inside them is color coded!

The fourth surgeon laughs and says,” Well personally I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gut-less and their heads and butts are interchangeable.

The fifth surgeon has been quietly listening to the conversation so far when he’s asked by the others what he thinks.

Well I like to operate on engineers because they’re always very understanding if I find myself with a few parts left over when the job’s done” he says.

4. Talking dog for sale:

A couple are out for a walk when they notice a large sign outside a house which reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.

They are both intrigued by the idea of a talking dog, so they knock on the door and ask if they can take a look at this dog

Sure!” says the owner, “Come on in.

The owner escorts them into the lounge where the dog is lying on the sofa watching television.

Hello,” they say to the dog.

Hello,” the dog responds.

What have you done with your life so far then?” the couple ask the dog.

Well actually I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.

Really?” says the couple.

Yes really,” says the dog. “I’ve lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I work part-time reading to the residents in a retirement home.

The couple are amazed by this. They can’t believe any dog could have done quite so much.

One of them then asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of this amazing dog?

“Oh, we’re getting rid of him because he’s a liar. He’s not done any of those things” says the owner.

5. Miscommunication:

Jed goes into a public restroom and he’s barely sat down in the cubicle when he hears a voice say, “Hi, how are you?

Feeling a little embarrassed Jed says politely, “Well I guess I’m doing fine thank you!

The voice then responds, “So what are you up to?

Jed is even more embarrassed but once again he responds politely, “Well just like you, I’m sitting here trying to get a load off my mind.

He then hears the voice say, “Hey, can I come over?

Jed is now extremely embarrassed and starting to get slightly irritated too, so he snaps back, “Look, surely you understand I’m a bit busy right now!

At this point he hears the voice say, “Jane listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps responding to all my questions!

6. Two hunters:

Two hunters are out in the woods hunting bears when one of them suddenly collapses.

The other guy checks him over and realises that he’s not breathing and his eyes are a bit glazed. So he grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.

I think my friend’s dead!” he yells down the phone with panic in his voice. “What should I do?

Sir, if you can just calm down I’ll help you” says the operator calmly. “Let’s just make sure he’s dead first.

There’s then a moment of silence, followed by what is clearly a gunshot.

Back on the phone, the guy then says to the operator, “Right, now what?

7. Cosmetic surgery:

Jill, a middle-aged woman, is having surgery in hospital following a severe heart attack when she has a vision of God by her bedside.

Will I die God?” she asks.

To which God responds, “No my dear, you still have 30 more years to live yet.

Well if she’s got 30 more years to look forward to and since she’s in hospital anyway, Jill decides she might as well make the most of her operation.

So she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, a hair transplant, and collagen injections in her lips. When it’s all finished and the bruises have healed she looks absolutely stunning and 10 years younger.

The day she’s discharged from the hospital, she leaves the hospital with a real spring in her step. Feeling very good about her makeover, Jill steps into the street and is immediately knocked down by an ambulance and killed.

As she steps through the Pearly Gates, Jill sees God and decides to complain. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she says to God.

Well that’s true,” says God.

So what happened?” Jill asks.

To which God shrugs and says, “I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you.

8. Kids are smarter than you think:

A young boy walks into a barber’s shop and the barber whispers to the customer to whom he’s currently attending, “This kid has got to be the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and I’ll prove it to you.

The barber then puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then he says to the boy, ‘Hey kid, which do you want the dollar bill or the quarters?’

The boy decides to take the quarters and then he leaves the shop.

What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That dumb kid never learns!

Later, when the customer is leaving the barber’s shop he sees the same kid coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, kid! May I ask you a question?” asks the customer. “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licks his ice cream for a moment before saying, “Because the day I take the dollar bill the game is over!

9. Classmates:

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Jane notices his degree certificate on the wall, which includes his full name.

Suddenly, Jane remembers a tall, handsome boy from her High School class some 45 years ago who had exactly the same name. Naturally she wonders whether this can be the same guy.

However upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. Surely this ageing, balding, grey-haired old man with a deeply lined face could not possibly be one of her old High School classmates?

After he had finished examining her teeth, Jane decides to ask him whether they he attended the local high school.

Yes,” he replied.

That’s amazing. What year did you graduate then?” Jane asks.

In 1973” he responds.

Amazing, you were in my class!” Jane exclaims.

He looks at her closely and then asks, “What subject did you teach?

10. The Monastery:

Every ten years in the Monastery, the monks were allowed to break their vow of silence to speak just two words.

With ten years gone by, Brother Michael gets his first chance to speak.

He thinks for a second and then says, “Food bad.

Another ten years go by and again Brother Michael has an opportunity to speak briefly and on this occasion he says, “Bed hard.

A further decade later, it’s the big day once more. However this time Brother Michael gives the head monk a long stare before saying, “I quit.

To which the head monk responds, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.

Please share with your friends on social media:

So did these hilarious jokes make you laugh out loud? Were they all you hoped they’d be dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles guaranteed to amuse you:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

1. Getting married in Heaven:

A young Catholic couple, Patrick and Bernadette, were on their way to the church to get married. Sadly their lives were cut cruelly short by a road traffic accident just before they would have reached their destination.

Nevertheless they’d lived good and decent lives, so naturally in an instant they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter as he reviewed a clipboard to confirm their names were on the list.

As they stood there, Patrick said to St Peter, “Will it still be possible for us to get married in Heaven?

To be honest, I’m not sure”, said St Peter. “Believe it or not, this has never happened before. If you’ll bear with me, I will check it out for you.

With that St Peter disappeared.

So Patrick and Bernadette sat down on a nearby golden bench and they waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. They waited so long that a couple of months passed.

Naturally in that time they chatted about their future and the challenges of being married and the fact that many of their friends who’d married found it wasn’t always forever. Circumstances often change and relationships can suffer.

Eventually St Peter reappeared looking a little flustered.

Well”, said St Peter, “I have some good news for you both. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you will be to get married here in Heaven.”

Oh, that’s great!” said Bernadette enthusiastically.

Patrick wasn’t quite so enthusiastic in his reaction though.

St Peter, I was just wondering”, said Patrick, “If we were to marry and things didn’t work out, would we be able to divorce in Heaven?”

St Peter’s response suggested that he was irritated by Patrick’s question, as he slammed his clipboard angrily on the ground.

St Peter, what’s the matter?” Bernadette enquired.

Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” said St Peter. “It’s taken me almost three months to find a priest here in Heaven. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?

2. Age problems:

Jim was 85 years old and he’d been playing golf every single day since he’d retired from work 20 years earlier.

One day Jim arrives home from golf and he’s obviously in an agitated state.

What’s the matter dear?” his wife, Mabel enquired.

I’m going to give up golf”, Jim responded. “My eyesight is now so bad that once I hit the ball I just can’t see where it’s gone.”

Mabel can see Jim’s really upset so she tries to be as sympathetic as possible.

Oh don’t worry dear. Let me make you a nice cup of coffee. You’ll feel better after that I’m sure”, she says.

As they both sit down with the coffee, Mabel says suddenly, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Next time you play golf you could take my brother Sid with you.

But Mabel, how will that help?” says Jim, “Sid is 98!

Yes”, says Mabel, “but he still has perfect eyesight. He can be your eyes when you play.

So Jim agrees it’s probably worth a try and he makes arrangements with Sid for the next day.

The next day Jim heads off to the country club with Sid.

At the first tee, Jim tees up with an almighty swing and he then squints down the fairway trying to see where his ball has gone.

Sid, did you see where my ball went?” asks Jim.

Sure!” says Sid. “I still have perfect eyesight.”

Jim waited momentarily, anticipating some further information from Sid but he got nothing.

So where did it go then?” asks Jim.

Sid looked at him a little confused and then said, “Where did what go?

3. One kiss:

Alice was an attractive young woman and she was shopping in a department store looking to buy material for a dress she was making.

At the fabric counter she spotted some suitable material and said to the young male clerk behind the counter, “What’s the cost of this material please?”

Well miss the price for that is just one kiss per yard,” replied the clerk, with a confident grin on his face.

That’s fine,” said Alice. “I’ll take ten yards please.”

Well the clerk couldn’t believe his luck. He quickly measured out the cloth, folded it carefully, wrapped it up, then teasingly held the package out to Alice.

She in turn accepted the package, smiled and then, pointing to the elderly man behind her, she said, “My grandpa will settle the bill.

And with that she proceeded to browse at the next counter.

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these hilarious short story jokes dear reader then please share them on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 very funny jokes to get you smiling

1. Store policy:

The store manager overheard her sales assistant saying to an elderly customer, “No mam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.

Alarmed by what she’d heard, the store manager rushed over to the elderly lady as she was leaving the store and said, “Mam, I am so sorry, the information you were given was incorrect. We will actually have some very soon. We’ve placed an order today.

The elderly lady gave the store manager a slightly puzzled look, but then just smiled and left the store.

The store manager then walked back over to her sales assistant and said very sternly, “You must never say that we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we have it on order and we expect it any day. Do you understand me?

Yes, mam!” responded the sales assistant.

So what was it the old lady was asking for?” enquired the store manager.

Rain”, responded her sales assistant.

2. Bad news:

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.

Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked Dan.

“No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt”, responded the physician.

3. Embarrassing situations:

By nature Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes of this woman and eventually he plucked up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

Hello I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was going on.

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he’d finished his drink.

However a couple of minutes later the attractive woman walked over to him and apologised.

I’m really sorry”, she said. “I’m a PhD student at Harvard and I’m doing research on how people respond in embarrassing situations.

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these very funny jokes dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love

1. Young Johnny:

Young Johnny wanted desperately to get a set of drums for his birthday.

His parents weren’t keen on the idea but his grandparents being grandparents couldn’t resist bringing a smile to his face and they bought him the drums.

Gee thanks, this is the best present I’ve ever had”, said Johnny excitedly, when his grandparents gave their gift.

A week later his grandad came to visit and he was asking Johnny how he was getting on with playing the drums.

They’ve already earned me over a $100”, said Johnny

Wow”, said grandad, “you must be getting really good at playing them.”

Not really”, said Johnny, “but mum gives me $10 each day for not playing them during the day and dad gives me $10 a day for not playing them in the evening.”

2. The Violin Recital:

Bill had been invited round to his neighbour’s house to listen to a violin recital being given by the neighbour’s son.

They listened intently for 30 minutes and at the end of the recital the neighbour looked at Bill and said, “What do you think?

Well, if I’m honest”, said Bill, “he reminds me of Jamie Callum.”

Really?” said the neighbour, “I didn’t even know Jamie Callum could play the violin.”

He can’t”, said Bill, “and neither can your son.”

3. A healthy diet:

Jim and Mildred, both in their 90s, were killed suddenly when the bus they were on crashed in bad weather.

This was sad because they’d been in excellent health due to a strict regime of eating only healthy foods, abstaining from drinking alcohol, plenty of exercise and watching their weight.

When St Peter welcomed them, he showed them around the first class facilities now available to them in Heaven.

Jim was really impressed with the beautiful scenery, the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

This place is really amazing”, said Jim.

That’s not all,” said St Peter, “let me show you around our five-star restaurant.”

He then led them into the most amazing restaurant with a sumptuous buffet serving every type of delicious food you could imagine.

Where’s the low fat table?” asked Jim.

Oh you don’t need to worry about that anymore”, said St Peter. “You can eat anything you like now. You can eat as much as you like too. Drink wine; drink beer as well. None of it will affect you. You’re in Heaven now!

Jim suddenly became quite irritated and he threw his hat to the ground.

What’s the problem?” asked St Peter.

Mildred”, Jim snapped, “if you hadn’t insisted on that ghastly diet of All Bran, Tofu, lentils and oatmeal, we could have been here 10 years ago!

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these funny can’t stop laughing jokes dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Here are 5 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

1. The Deaf Debt Collector:

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses subject to their protection racket.

As they were feeling the heat from the Police, they decided to use someone deaf for the job. If someone deaf gets caught, they figured that he wouldn’t be able to communicate easily with the Police.

In his first week on the job the deaf debt collector picks up over $50,000. That’s a lot of money he thinks and the deaf debt collector’s greed gets the better of him. He decides to keep the money and he stashes it in a safe place.

However it’s not long before the Mafia realises that the collection is late and they send out a couple of heavies to look for the deaf debt collector.

They soon find him and they ask the deaf debt collector what he’s done with the money. The problem is that deaf debt collector can’t communicate with them either, so the Mafia heavies drag him off to an interpreter.

They get to a sign language interpreter and the leading Mafioso then says, “I want ya to ask him where da money is.

So the interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?

The deaf debt collector tries to bluff his way out of his dilemma by saying, “I don’t know what they’re talking about.

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He’s saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

The Mafioso reaches into his coat and pulls out a .44 Remington Magnum handgun which he points at the forehead of the deaf debt collector and then with real menace in his voice he says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is, and tell him I won’t be askin’ again.

So the interpreter immediately signs, “Where’s the money? He says he won’t ask again and I think he’s serious.

At this point the deaf debt collector’s nerve goes and he signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left by the gate near 72nd Street on Central Park West, and close to Strawberry Fields.

Getting impatient, the Mafioso looks at the interpreter and asks, “What did he say?

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, he thinks you’re a pussy and he doesn’t think you’ve got the balls to pull the trigger!

2. The Balloonist and the Programmer:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and he soon realizes that he’s completely lost.

So he starts reducing height and then he suddenly spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon a little further and then shouts: “Excuse me sir I was wondering, can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.

Taken by surprise, the man looks up and replies “Yeah, that’s easy. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field.

You must work in IT. I’m guessing you work as a programmer?” says the balloonist.

I do and yes, I am,” replies the man, looking a little surprised, “How did you guess?

Well” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct but it’s of no actual use to anyone.

The programmer smiles and then says, “Ah, you must be the CEO in a business.

Yes, I am” replies the balloonist, “but how could you know that?

That’s easy,” says the programmer. “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met but now it’s my fault.

3. The Tiger, the Man and God:

A man is being chased by a tiger.

He’s running as hard as he can and eventually he gets to the edge of a cliff with the tiger still in hot pursuit.

The man looks over the edge of the cliff and sees a branch growing out of the side of the cliff just a few feet down.

Having little option, the man jumps down and grabs the branch just before the tiger arrives at the cliff edge.

The tiger is growling viciously and pacing backwards and forwards along the cliff edge. The man sighs with relief, as he thinks he’s outsmarted the tiger.

At that moment a little mouse appears from a crevice in the rock and it begins to chew on the branch.

The man looks down to what is a drop of hundreds of feet. If he falls it will surely result in his death. So he looks to the heavens and yelled out, “Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask but please help.

You say you will do anything I ask?” Without it being questioned?” a voice booms from heaven above.

The man is surprised to get an immediate reply to his plea but he yells back, “I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me.

There’s one way to save you but it will take courage and faith,” says the voice from above.

The man can feel the branch begin to weaken as the mouse continues to gnaw at it and he can see the tiger still pacing around growling at the cliff’s edge a few feet above him.

Please, Lord, tell me what I must do and I will do it. Your will is my command,” shouts the man in despair.

All right then, let go of the branch,” the voice from heaven responds.

The man looks down to a fall of hundreds of feet and certain death. He looks up at the hungry tiger a few feet above him and then he looks at the mouse still chewing on the branch.

He then looks up at the heavens again and yells, “Is there no else up there I can speak to?

4. The Genie:

A customer service agent, an administration clerk and their manager are all walking to lunch when they stumble upon an old, antique oil lamp.

Knowing that old oil lamps can often house a genie they enthusiastically rub it in hopeful anticipation.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

I am the genie of the lamp and you can each have one wish,” says the genie.

Me first! Me first!” says the customer service agent. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the customer service agent’s gone.

Me next! Me next!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the administration clerk’s gone

The genie then looks at the manager and says, “OK, I guess it’s your turn now.

I want those two back in the office in exactly 45 minutes,” the manager responds.

Moral of the story: It’s always a good idea to let your boss go first.

5. The Mexican Maid:

A Mexican maid asks for a pay rise from the lady of the house.

The wife is not happy about this, so she decides to talk to the maid about her request for more money.

Now Maria, why do you want more money?” she asks.

Well Señora, there’s tree reasons why I wanna increase,” replies the maid. “The first eez that I iron better than you.

Maria, who said you iron better than me?” responds the wife.

Jor huzban he say so Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?” says the wife. “And what is your second reason?

The second reason eez that I am better cook than you,” Maria responds.

That’s nonsense. Who said you’re a better cook than me?” asks the wife.

Jor hozban deed Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?”  the wife responds, getting increasingly agitated.

The third reason eez that I ama better at sex than you in da bed,” says Maria.

The lady of the house is now angry and through gritted teeth she asks, “And did my husband say that too?

No Señora, the gardener deed,” Maria replies.

OK, how much is it you want?” asks her employer.

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these short story jokes dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Whenever I share funny one liners with readers the posts are always very popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader. Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything“.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

If you enjoyed them, please share:

If you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing but as the car hit 90 mph. suddenly there was the sound of a siren and through his rear view mirror Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.

And momentarily he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However his nerve went when he realised that despite his speed the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license please?

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and to be honest I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend sir.”

And with that he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his mates and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife Liz had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident, with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery and when all the scars had healed everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Polite request:

So did these amusing short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny short story jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh

1. Speed cop:

Jim’s a police officer in Morristown, New Jersey. One day he’s sitting in his squad car on Main Street when a car screams past him doing at least 100 miles an hour.

With blue lights flashing and siren wailing, Jim chases after the car and pulls it over.

Jim approaches the car and says to the young driver, “Sir, step out of the car for me please.

But officer”, said the young man, “I can explain.”

Just be quiet!” snapped Jim, “Driving at dangerous speeds on Main Street is a felony. You’ll be cooling your heels in jail until the police chief gets back and decides what to do with you.

But officer”, the young man responded, “if you’d just let me explain.”

Once again Jim snapped at him, “Be quiet! You’re going to jail.

A few hours later Jim is checking on his prisoner in the holding cell at the station and the guy is looking is little glum to say the least. At this point Jim’s feeling a bit sorry for him.

Hey buddy”, says Jim, “don’t worry. Lucky for you the police chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.

Don’t count on it”, said the young driver, “I’m the groom.”

2. Divine justice:

Father Jeremy was a parish priest who was obsessed with playing golf.

He would be at a country club playing golf every opportunity he got. It was a passion for him.

One summer Sunday the weather was absolutely glorious and he realised it was such a perfect day to play golf. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the temperature was really very pleasant.

Days are rarely better than this for playing golf”, Father Jeremy thought to himself.

This left him with a dilemma. For him Sunday was a working day of course but perhaps he could report in sick and then play golf at the country club in the next town?

Well his passion for golf got the better of him and he phoned the curate to tell him he was sick and would not be able to take mass that day.

He then packed his clubs into his car and drove two hours to a country club where he was confident he would not be recognized.

By mid-morning Father Jeremy was standing at the first tee ready to play 18 holes.

Well the Lord works in mysterious ways and the angels are his eyes and ears. And as Father Jeremy was ready to tee off one angel was watching him with concern.

The angel then went to God and said, “Look at that parish priest. He should be preaching to his congregation today, not playing golf.

God frowned at the angel and agreed that this was not what he’d expect from a parish priest on a Sunday.

Leave it to me,” said God.

At this point Father Jeremy teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it glided effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. It was a perfect hole-in-one.

Never before had Father Jeremy achieved such golfing perfection, so naturally he was both amazed and very excited.

The angel looked on from above and he was shocked. He turned to God and said, “Lord, I’m sorry but I thought you said you were going to punish him.

I have”, said God.

How?” the angel responded.

God smiled and said, “Think about it. Who can he possibly tell about this now?

3. The helicopter ride:

Dan and his wife Mary went to the state fair every year.

And every year Dan would say to Mary, “You know Mary, I would love to go for a ride in the helicopter.

And Mary’s response was always the same.

I know that Dan but the helicopter ride costs $50, And let’s face it, $50 is $50.” Mary would say.

This went on for many years and eventually they were at the fair one year and Dan said to Mary, “You know Mary, I’m 87 now. If I don’t ride the helicopter this year, I may not get another chance. I ain’t got much time left.

Well Mary had known hard times and so she could never be frivolous with money. Once again her response was the same, “Dan, you know the helicopter costs $50 and $50 is $50.

Well as they were talking, the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation.

Hey, listen folks”, he said, “I’ll offer you a deal. I’ll take you both for a ride in the helicopter and if you can both stay completely quiet for the entire ride then you can have it for free. However you must not say a word. If you do say anything you must pay the $50.”

Well this sounded like a great deal to Dan and Mary, so naturally they agreed and up they went in the helicopter.

In an attempt to get them to say something, the pilot performed every fancy trick and move he knew but they didn’t say a word.

To up the ante, the pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word spoken.

Finally they landed and the pilot turned to Dan said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!

Well to be honest”, said Dan, “I almost said something when Mary fell out but, you know, $50 is $50!

Polite request:

So did these funny short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 hilariously funny jokes that will definitely tickle you silly

1. Car trouble:

Jane was driving along the Interstate 5 on her way to San Diego when her old car suddenly died on her. Naturally she called out a local mechanic to help her.

The mechanic arrived and said, “Howdy mam, what seems to be the problem?

Well”, said Jane, “I was just driving along when suddenly I lost all power and the car came to a complete standstill.”

Well let me just take a look for you mam”, said the mechanic.

At which he lifts the hood and gives the engine a cursory glance before whacking something very hard with a hammer.

Try it now mam”, said the mechanic.

To Jane’s amazement, when she turned the key, the car burst into life again.

That’s incredible!” said Jane. “You’ve been here for less than 30 seconds and you’ve already got it going again. I’m very grateful. Thank you.

All part of the service mam!” the mechanic responded, before adding, “That’ll be $250.”

Jane couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “How much?” she said. “How can it be $250 when all you did was hit something with a hammer?

Well mam”, said the mechanic, “I can produce an itemised bill if you like.

Yes please”, said Jane, “you do that! It’ll make interesting reading.”

So the mechanic started tapping something into an iPad and then he printed it out on a printer in his truck. He then handed Jane the bill. It read:

 

2. The new bus driver:

The new bus driver pulled his bus up at the bus stop and on climbed a giant of a man who said to the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before walking off and taking his seat.

Well Big John was aptly named, he really was a monster of a man and the driver was small and skinny, so he figured that a confrontation with Big John may not end well. Not for him anyway. So he let it go.

The next day the same thing happened. The bus stopped, Big John got on, and once again he told the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before going straight to his seat.

Again the new driver was reluctant to challenge him because of his size.

Well this became a daily occurrence and increasingly the new bus driver began to resent being afraid of Big John.

So he decided to sign up for a body building class at his local gym. He figured that if he was more muscular he’d be equipped to challenge Big John and force him to pay the fare. This became an obsession with him and he worked hard on it.

Before long the bus driver had rippling muscles where once there had only been skin and bone. And as his physical appearance became more impressive, the driver felt confident and ready to confront Big John the next time he got on his bus.

Sure enough, at the usual stop, on to the bus stepped Big John, with his usual declaration, “Big John don’t pay!”

Now just hold it there fella!” said the driver, ready and waiting for a confrontation. “And just why don’t Big John pay?

Well the situation was tense momentarily as Big John reached into his pocket and the driver began to wonder whether he’d done the right thing after all.

Then Big John smiled as he withdrew his hand from his pocket and said, “Because I’ve got this bus pass!

3. Native American Chief:

Bill was studying for a Masters Degree in American Studies at the University of London. He loved American culture, so naturally he was a regular traveller to the USA. In particular he liked getting to know the real America beyond the obvious tourist destinations.

On one trip he was staying in a hotel in Cheyenne, Wyoming when he saw an old Native American chief in full native dress sitting in the lobby.

Wow, who’s that?” Bill asked the desk clerk.

Oh, that’s Chief Elephant’s Memory,” the clerk responded.

Why is he called Chief Elephant’s Memory?” asked Bill.

Because he’s 93 and he still has the most amazing memory. He never forgets anything,” said the clerk. “You might not believe this but he can actually remember every single detail of his life with immediate recall.”

Really?” Bill said, intrigued by what he was being told.

So Bill walked up to the Chief and said, “Hi there, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve heard you have the most amazing memory. They say you can remember every detail of your life. Can you tell me what you had for breakfast on your eighteenth birthday?

Eggs”, replied the Chief quietly.

Bill was amazed with this response but as he walked away the desk clerk called him over and said, “Hey buddy, when you speak to one of our Native Americans you don’t say ‘Hi there’, it’s common courtesy to address them by saying, ‘How!’.

Bill thanked the clerk for putting him right and promised he’d remember that next time.

One year later Bill’s back in Cheyenne again. He’s in the same hotel when he spots the same old Native American chief sitting in the lobby.

Remembering the desk clerk’s advice from his previous visit he walks up to the Chief and says, “How!

Sunny-side up”, the Chief responded.

Polite request:

So did these hilariously funny jokes prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

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