10 hilarious jokes that will certainly make you laugh


Jokes are always popular with readers, so once again I’ve been searching the Internet for stuff to make you smile. Here are 10 hilarious jokes that really made me laugh and I hope they brighten your day too.

They are all classified as ‘Author Unknown’ as I’ve have been unable to confirm the identity of the original authors. However I’d be happy to add appropriate writing credits to each and every joke if anyone can advise me as to their origin.

  • A naked woman robbed a bank.
  • Nobody could remember her face.

 

  • Patient: Doctor I’m so nervous, this is my first operation.
  • Doctor: Oh don’t worry. It’s mine too.

 

  • Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head.
  • Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

 

  • My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
  • I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

 

  • My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.
  • Well she’s in for a shock.

 

  • What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?
  • No whey Jose.

 

  • My girlfriend has her own taser.
  • She’s a real stunner.

 

  • I bought a dog off a blacksmith recently.
  • As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

 

  • What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?
  • You make a seizure salad.

 

  • A man walked into a zoo and the only animal they have was a dog
  • It was a Shih Tzu.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

10 jokes that will make you laugh out loud

We all need more opportunities to laugh out loud, so I’ve gathered some more jokes by trawling the Internet just for you dear reader. I cannot be sure who wrote them originally but I’d be happy to credit the authors if anyone can tell me who they are. In the meantime, here are today’s 10 jokes that will make you laugh out loud. Certainly they made me smile.

  • What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?
  • A waist of time.

 

  • Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?
  • He’s all right now.

 

  • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
  • Because he had a great fall.

 

  • How can you get four suits for a dollar?
  • Buy a deck of cards.

 

  • Why didn’t the melons get married?
  • Because they cantaloupe.

 

  • What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  • Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!

 

  • What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
  • Snowballs.

 

  • What did the bartender say to the drunk who walked into the bar with jumper cables around his neck?
  • “You can stay but don’t try to start anything.”

 

  • What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
  • One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

 

  • Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.
  • The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

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Short Story Jokes: Here are 5 more to brighten your day

1. Gimme a beer:

A man walks into a bar in Downtown Manhattan and says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!

The man then downs the beer in one before asking the bartender for another, once again saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!

Naturally the bartender is a little wary of this guy but he pours him another beer nevertheless.

This goes on for a while, each time with the guy saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!

After the fifth beer the bartender is really becoming bewildered by this guy’s approach, so he asks, “Hey buddy, when are you going to pay for all these beers?

To which the guy responds, “This is where the problems start!

2. Twin boys:

A young woman has twin boys but is forced sadly to give them up for adoption.

One boy is adopted by a family in Morocco and they name him Amal.

The other boy goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Many years later the woman receives a letter from Juan which includes a recent photograph of him.

As she’s looking at the photograph the woman says tearfully to her husband, “Oh, how I wish I had a photograph of Amal too.

To which her husband responds, ”They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

3. There’s always one:

A bus completely full with passengers crashes on an icy road and bursts into flames. Sadly everyone on the bus is killed instantly in the crash.

When they all arrive at the Pearly Gates the passengers are met by God, which is an unusual precedent but these were tragic circumstances. The situation is well above St Peter’s pay grade.

As the passengers form an orderly queue, God says, “Since you all died in such a tragic way, I’m here to grant each of you one wish before you enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The woman at the head of the line’s obviously concerned about her looks, and she says to God “I wish to be beautiful.

God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is truly beautiful.

The next woman hesitates momentarily but then she decides to wish for the same thing.

Once again God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is also truly very beautiful.

Whilst all this is going on, a guy at the back of the queue starts to laugh.

Two more women, on seeing how beautiful their two fellow passengers have become, also wish to become beautiful.

God smiles again, their wishes are granted and they too are now very beautiful.

By now the guy at the end of the line is laughing even louder.

Nevertheless one after another, the deceased passengers all request the same wish.

However with each wish granted the guy at the end of the line, seems to laugh even harder.

Finally it’s this guy’s turn to request his wish when God asks, “My son, what’s your wish?

To which the guy responds, “Make them all ugly again!

Moral of the Story: There’s always someone determined to ruin it for everyone else.

4. The problem with getting old:

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it had been on the previous day.

Naturally the doctor inquired as to what happened.

Well doctor,” the old man explained, “it was like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, and still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, still nothing. We even called up Maggie, the lady next door. She tried with both hands, followed by her armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees. However still nothing.

Looking shocked the doctor said, “You asked a neighbour?

To which the old man replied, “Yes but none of us could get the lid off the jar.

5. Swapping places:

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

Now Einstein’s driver Tom looked remarkably like him, a fact of which Einstein was well aware.

In the car on the way to the conference Einstein said, “You know Tom, I’m sick of speaking at conferences. I just say the same things over and over!

Tom smiled and said, “You’re right. I’ve attended all of them with you and even though I’m not a scientist, I’m sure I could give the conference in your place.

Now that’s a great idea Tom!” said Einstein. “Let’s switch places.

So they immediately switch clothes, Einstein hands Tom his notes and when they arrive at the conference, Tom goes on stage and he starts giving the speech.

Meanwhile dressed in the driver’s uniform, Einstein sits at the side of the stage.

Unfortunately lurking in the audience is one scientist who is determined to impress everyone by asking a difficult question he hopes Einstein will not be able to answer.

When he gets his chance, this guy seizes the moment and interrupts the conference with his very difficult question.

It’s a real curved ball and the audience knows it. The whole room is silent, holding their breath, waiting for Einstein’s response. You could hear a pin drop.

However Tom has been around the block a few times and he wasn’t easily fazed.

He looked the guy dead in the eye, smiled at him and said, “Sir, to demonstrate how easy to answer your question is, I will let my driver reply to it for me.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

21 Witty One Liners

Now do you fancy a bit of a laugh?

Would you like something to make you smile?

You’d love a laugh but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything too long? Well fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

So here are 21 witty one liners guaranteed to make you smile. They made me smile and I’m confident that at least a few of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy a laugh which is concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one liners is just for you dear reader. So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
  3. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  4. As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  5. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  6. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  7. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  8. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  9. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  10. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once’. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  11. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  12. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  13. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries (2014)
  14. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’. ~Paul McCaffrey
  15. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. ~Paddy Lennox
  17. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  18. What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
  19. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  20. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  21. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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5 entertaining short story jokes that will tickle you

1. Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along the Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.

Suddenly she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.

Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor woman, Emily pulled over and offered her a lift.

The Apache woman nodded silently in appreciation and climbed into the car.

Naturally Emily tried to engage her in conversation but initially the Apache woman remained silent and she seemed a bit nervous.

However as they progressed along the highway towards Phoenix the woman eventually started to relax a little and then she started to look around.

The old woman was looking closely at everything in the car, apparently studying every detail. Then she noticed a pale blue gift bag on the rear seat behind Emily.

What’s in the bag?” she asked Emily, almost whispering.

Oh,” Emily responded warmly, “it’s a bottle of Whiskey that I got for my husband.

The Apache woman remained silent momentarily and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of someone who’s been around the block a few times, she smiled and said, “Good trade.

2. The Naughty Boys

Charlotte had two young boys, Jack and Harry.

Jack and Harry were two young kids who were always getting themselves into trouble. If there was any mischief happening anywhere in their town, then usually Jack and Harry were involved and Charlotte knew this.

Naturally her boys’ wayward behaviour was a concern for Charlotte and it was an issue she was keen to resolve.

One day Charlotte read an article in the local newspaper about a clergyman in town who’d been very successful in disciplining young boys and improving their behaviour.

So Charlotte phoned the clergyman and asked him if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman said he was happy to help but he was quick to stress that it was important that he see each of them separately.

So Charlotte decided to send young Harry to see the clergyman in the morning, with his elder brother Jack to follow in the afternoon.

The clergyman was an enormous man with a stern face and a big, booming voice.

He instructed Harry to sit down and then he asked him sternly, “Where is God?

The clergyman’s approach scared the life out of Harry. His mouth dropped open but fear prevented him from speaking. He just sat there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open.

So the clergyman repeated the question but this time with an even sterner tone. “Where is God?” he said.

Again Harry made no attempt to respond. He was too scared.

So this time the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the Harry’s face, bellowing, “WHERE IS GOD?

That was it for Harry. He jumped up from his chair, screamed and ran out of the room and all the way home. He didn’t stop running until he got to his own bedroom and then he hid in his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When Jack found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened dude?

Still gasping for breath, Harry replied, “Dude, we are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!

3. The Test Results

John had been undergoing tests for a serious health concern for several weeks. Finally it was the day for him to receive his test results.

So he was sitting in his doctor’s office and he said, “Doc, I really need to know my test results! Not knowing is driving me crazy.

His doctor reviewed at his notes again and then said, “Well John, there’s some good news and some bad news I’m afraid. Which one do you want first?

To which John replied, “I think I’d prefer the good news first. Yeah Doc, let me have the good news first!”

Well,” said the doctor, “I hear there are some amazing deals on cremations this week.

4. A man and his Ostrich

A guy walks into a New York diner with an ostrich.

They both sit down at the counter and after a few moments the waitress asks them whether they’re ready to order.

Yes,” said the guy, “I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.

He then looks at the ostrich and says, “What are you having?

The same,” says the ostrich.

About ten minutes later the waitress returns with their order and then says. “That’ll be $22.00 please.

The man reaches into his pocket and, without even looking he pulls out the exact amount of money for payment.

The next day, the same guy and his ostrich return and once again the guy says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Coke please.

And once again the ostrich says, “The same.

Once again when their order arrives, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to settle the bill.

This goes on for a few days and is becoming a routine, when one night they enter the diner and the waitress asks, “The usual?

No,” said the guy “as it’s Friday I’ll have a T-bone steak with a baked potato, a green salad and a glass of Merlot.

Same for me,” said the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and then says, “That’ll be $53.00.”

Once again the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to pay the bill.

At this point the waitress is unable to suppress her curiosity any longer and she says to the guy, “Excuse me sir. How is it you always manage to pull from your pocket the exact amount of money? You do it every time.

Well,” said the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and I found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me two wishes.

Really?” said the waitress. “And what did you wish for?

Well my first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount of money would always be there,” said the guy.

Now that’s brilliant!” the waitress responded. “Most people would wish for like a million dollars or something but you’ll always be as rich as you need to be for as long as you live!

That’s right,” said the guy. “Whether I’m buying a pitcher of beer or a Bugatti Chiron, the exact amount of money will always be there.

The waitress was clearly impressed but still a little curious.

So what’s with the ostrich then?” she enquired.

The guy sighs and then says, “Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

The waitress smiled at him and said, “Be careful what you wish for, hey?

5. The Frog and the Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out whether he’ll ever meet his princess.

The fortune teller looks into her crystal ball for a few moments and then says to the frog, “Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Let me have the good news first,” said the frog.

Well, you’re going to meet the most beautiful girl in the world,” said the fortune teller. “She will be interested in you and she will want to know all about you. In fact she will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.

That sounds fantastic,” said the frog, “but what’s the bad news then?

You’re going to meet her in her Biology class,” replied the fortune teller.

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If you did enjoy these short story jokes dear reader then please share them on social media with your friends. Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

In my post ‘Here are 21 brilliant one liners’ I promised I would share some more funny one liners as I managed to collect them over time. So in this post I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Again I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown. However I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader. Certainly they made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Now if you do enjoy these 21 clever one-liners then please share them with your friends on social media. Share the fun and pass on the smiles. That way everyone wins.

Today’s One-liners:

  1. Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
  2. Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
  3. I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  4. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  5. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  6. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  7. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  8. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  9. You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
  10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  11. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
  12. If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
  13. I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
  14. You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please“.
  15. When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
  16. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
  17. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
  18. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
  19. I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
  20. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  21. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

13 corny jokes that will really make you smile

Life shouldn’t be serious all the time. Occasionally we all need to smile. So my question to you today is; do you like corny jokes? No? Well that’s a pity because I’ve found 13 of them that made me smile. And I hope they will make you smile too.

The source of these corny jokes is a website called Tickld which is new to me. However I had a very pleasant time enjoying all the funnies it had on offer. A link to Tickld is included so take a look but not before you’ve enjoyed what I thought was some of their best corny jokes.

And here are those 13 corny jokes for you:-

 

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said: Thank you.

And I said: Don’t mention it!

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

My friend said to me: What rhymes with orange?

And I said: No it doesn’t!

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

 

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

 

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

 

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

 

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

 

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

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If you’d like to see what else Tickld has to offer then just CLICK HERE.

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21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Some time ago I shared 21 funny one liners in a post which proved to be very popular with readers. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more. Since the original article was published I’ve been collecting a lot more one liners. Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So I must classify all as Author Unknown.

However I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one liners will brighten your day.

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything“.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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5 really funny jokes that will have you weeping with laughter

1. Flatulent Old Lady:

An old lady was having an embarrassing problem with bloating and gas, so she decided to see her physician.

Hello Mrs Johnson,” said the doctor, “and what’s troubling you today?

Well Doctor Carmichael,” she responded, “I can’t stop breaking wind. Fortunately they’re silent and they don’t smell but it does feel embarrassing. Honestly, I’ve farted several times whilst I’ve been sitting here. What can I do?

The kindly doctor smiled at her and said, “Mrs Johnson just take these pills three times a day for seven days and then come back and see me as soon as you’ve finished the medication.

One week later Mrs Johnson is back in the doctor’s office and is clearly unhappy.

Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me last week but my problem is even worse,” she said.

In what way?” the doctor enquired.

Well I’m still breaking wind just as much and they’re still silent,” she said, “but now the smell is terrible. I mean they really stink.

Excellent!” said the doctor. “That means we’ve fixed the problem with your sinuses. Now let’s see what we can do about your hearing.

2. The Potato Peeler:

Sean was leaning against the counter in a Dublin bar enjoying a pint of Guinness when in walked his old friend Paddy looking decidedly glum.

What’s the matter with you Patrick?” said Sean. “You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.

Oh, Sean,” he said. “I’ve just been fired from my job in the Fish & Chip shop.

You’ve been fired? Now why would they do that to you Patrick? What did you do that was so bad?” Sean enquired.

Oh, I got caught putting my penis in the potato peeler.” Paddy responded.

Oh, Paddy that’s terrible. What happened to the potato peeler?” Sean naturally enquired.

Oh she’s been fired too.” Said Paddy looking a little sheepish.

3. Farmer Jim’s Accident:

Farmer Jim decided to take the trucking company responsible for his accident to court because of the severity of his injuries.

Needless to say the trucking company hired a fancy lawyer and whilst questioning Farmer Jim in the court room he enquired, “Is it not true that at the scene of the accident you said specifically, in front of witnesses, ‘I’m fine’?

Farmer Jim responded, “Sir, let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my best mule Bessie into the…….

I didn’t ask you for any details sir,” the lawyer interrupted, “Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’ Yes or No?

Farmer Jim said, “Well, I’d just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….

Once again, the lawyer was quick to interrupt Farmer Jim mid-sentence.

Looking at the Judge the lawyer said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman at the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

Well as luck would have it, the judge was interested in what Farmer Jim had to say, so he said to the lawyer, “I’m sorry sir but I’d like to hear what this man has to say. So I would ask him to continue with his story.

Jim thanked the Judge and continued.

Well,” he said, “I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and I was driving her down the highway when this huge truck with a trailer ran the stop sign and T-boned my truck.”

And then what happened?” The Judge enquired.

Well, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.” Jim responded.

And were you hurt?” The Judge asked.

Yes,” said Jim. “I was hurting real bad and I didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

And then what happened?” the Judge asked.

Well, shortly after the accident the Highway Patrolman appeared at the scene.” Jim said.

And what did he do?” the Judge responded.

Well Your Honor, he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her momentarily he then took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.” said Jim.

And did you say to the Highway Patrolman that you were fine?” The Judge asked.

Well,” said Jim. “After he shot Bessie, he came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had no choice but to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

4. Day of Reckoning:

A Catholic priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates as St Peter processes the new arrivals to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Ahead of the priest in the queue is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, jeans and a leather jacket.

This guy gets to the front of the line and St Peter looks at his clipboard, looks the guy up and down and then asks, “Could you tell me your name please, so I may confirm whether you’re to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven?

Sure!” says the guy. “I’m Joe Cohen and I was a taxi driver in New York City.

St Peter looks down his list and ticks off Joe Cohen’s name. He then smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and the golden staff Mr Cohen and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Joe Cohen smiles and walks through the Pearly Gates in his silken robe and carrying the golden staff, whilst it’s the priest’s turn with St Peter.

Before St Peter can utter a single word the priest says, “I’m Father Joseph O’Donnell and I have been the parish priest at St Andrews Roman Catholic Church in Manhattan for the past 40 years.

Once again St Peter consults his clipboard, ticks off Father O’Donnell’s name and then says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff father and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Having seen Joe Cohen receive a silken robe and a golden staff Father O’Donnell is left feeling a little short-changed.

Hold it there, just a minute,” said Father O’Donnell. “How is that Joe Cohen got silk and gold and yet I only get cotton and wood? How can this be? Surely there’s some mistake?

No mistake,” St Peter responded. “In heaven we reward by results. When you gave your sermons your congregation slept. When Joe Cohen drove his taxi his passengers prayed.

5. The Annual Check-up:

An 85 year old man was visiting his doctor for his annual check-up.

So Mr Jenkins, how are you keeping?” the doctor enquired.

Doctor, I’ve never felt better,” Mr Jenkins responded. “I’ve even married my 18 year old girlfriend recently and she’s now pregnant with my child. So, how about that then?

The doctor considered this momentarily and then said, “Let me tell you a story Mr Jenkins. A friend of mine was a keen hunter. One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidently picked up an umbrella instead of his gun.

Really?” said Mr Jenkins.

Yes,” said the doctor. “Anyway, he was in the woods when suddenly a very large grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?

Dumbfounded the old man said, “No Doc, what?

The bear dropped dead in front of him,” the doctor replied.

No Doc, that can’t be right.” said the old man. “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.

The doctor smiled and said, “Exactly!

If you enjoyed them, please share:

If you enjoyed these really funny jokes dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends. Share the fun and everyone wins. Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

15 black humor jokes that will definitely make you laugh

If you’re like me then you’ll need a good laugh each and every day. It is after all the best medicine, they say. If nothing else it certainly relieves stress.

I love all forms of humor, even what I’d call black humor. That’s humor with a slightly darker edge?

Some people find this type of humor a little distasteful but personally, I think it can still be very funny.

Here are 15 black humor jokes that I think will definitely make you laugh. Well some of them will make you smile at least.

None of these jokes are too distasteful, so I hope they will appeal to everyone. If they don’t appeal to you dear reader then I will endeavour to offer something more in line with your preferences next time.

For those who like humor with a darker edge, enjoy!

Today’s Jokes:

  • Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?
  • Patient: The good news please.
  • Doctor: I’ve got the diagnosis for your illness. Unfortunately it suggests you have only two days to live.
  • Patient: So what’s the bad news then?”
  • Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you for two days.

 

  • Today really has been a terrible day.
  • First my wife gets hit by a bus.
  • Then I lose my job as a bus driver.

 

  • The doctor gave me one year to live.
  • So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
  • The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

 

  • Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far.
  • Yes, isn’t this catapult amazing. Quick get our daughter!

 

  • Girl: So, what do you do?
  • Boy: I work with animals every day.
  • Girl: Oh that’s so sweet! What exactly do you do?
  • Boy: I’m a butcher.

 

  • What do you call a dog with no legs?
  • Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come to you anyway.

 

  • Fred walks into a shop and sees a nice looking dog.
  • Does your dog bite? Fred says to the shop assistant.
  • No, my dog doesn’t bite, said the assistant.
  • Fred starts petting the dog but it attacks him viciously.
  • You said your dog doesn’t bite, said Fred.
  • He doesn’t. That isn’t my dog, said the assistant.

 

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father did.
  • Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

 

  • They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach.
  • Personally, I find a knife through the ribcage a lot quicker.

 

  • Finally I got one of those roof-top boxes for the car.
  • It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.

 

  • I took my wife out for tea and biscuits. 
  • She wasn’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

 

  • Mom, I’m still having those sharp headaches!
  • Then don’t stand in front of the dart board!

 

  • Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
  • To get to the second hand shop.

 

  • A man awakens from a coma.
  • His wife is irritated and changes out of her black clothing.
  • I really can’t depend on you for anything, can I?

 

  • If I’m smiling, I’m probably thinking of doing something evil. 
  • If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.

If any of these black humor jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you enjoy them, please share:

If you enjoy these black humor jokes dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends. Share the fun and everyone wins. Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Other Articles:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

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