21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed


Life can be stressful for everyone so it’s important that we all laugh every day.

To help you with that I’ve been collecting more very corny jokes. These all made me smile and I hope they will make you smile too.

Unfortunately, despite best efforts, it hasn’t been possible to identify the original authors of these very corny jokes, so for the moment they remain ‘Author Unknown‘.

However if you’re able to help with that, do let me know. My aim always is to acknowledge the work of others when it is possible.

So here they are, 21 very corny jokes that will cheer you up guaranteed.

Very Corny Jokes:

1. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

2. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

3. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

Juan on Juan.

4. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

It was craving a well-balanced meal.

5. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

You’re looking a little pail.

6. What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here and I’ll go on ahead.

7. How does a duck buy lipstick?

She just puts it on her bill.

8. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

9. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

10. Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

To raise some dough.

11. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?

His mummy.

12. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

13. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He could feel his presents.

14. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!

15. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

16. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

17. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

18. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

19. Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

20. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because there’s no point.

21. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these very corny jokes dear reader then please share them on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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Other articles you’ll also find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx, born Julius Henry Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio and television star and part of the successful and immensely popular comedy act known as The Marx Brothers.

Groucho was known for his quick wit and he is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

With his siblings the Marx Brothers, Groucho Marx made 13 feature films but he also had a successful solo career in radio and television.

Here are 15 quotes by Groucho Marx which illustrate his quick wit.

Quotes by Groucho Marx:

  1. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you’ve got it made. ~Groucho Marx
  2. I intend to live forever, or die trying. ~Groucho Marx
  3. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~Groucho Marx
  4. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~Groucho Marx
  6. No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others. ~Groucho Marx
  8. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ~Groucho Marx
  9. Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ~Groucho Marx
  11. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx
  12. There’s one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, yes, you know he’s a crook. ~Groucho Marx
  13. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ~Groucho Marx
  14. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ~Groucho Marx
  15. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~Groucho Marx

The work of Groucho Marx and the Marx Brothers is still available on Amazon. You can check it out if you CLICK HERE.

Polite request:

Did you find these quotes by Groucho Marx as interesting and amusing as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by David Brent

Occasionally television provides us with a situation comedy that is truly memorable.

One such comedy, originally from 2001, was The Office. Who can forget the cringe-worthy character David Brent?

When it first hit our screens The Office was both original and very funny.

Here are 15 quotes by David Brent to remind you of just what a clever comic creation he was at the time.

These quotes made me smile and I hope they make you smile too dear reader.

Quotes by David Brent:

  1. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue. ~David Brent
  2. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s? ~David Brent
  3. Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. ~David Brent
  4. You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back. ~David Brent
  5. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but it was just some b*stard with a torch bringing me more work. ~David Brent
  6. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you ever tried. ~David Brent
  7. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. ~David Brent
  8. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation. ~David Brent
  9. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes, make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. ~David Brent
  10. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk. ~David Brent
  11. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow. ~David Brent
  12. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability. ~David Brent
  13. Statistics are like a lamp post to a drunken man, more for leaning on than illumination. ~David Brent
  14. There may be no ‘I’ in team but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough. ~David Brent
  15. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts. ~David Brent

Polite request:

Did you find these quotes by David Brent as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

Similar articles you may enjoy:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

1. Getting married in Heaven:

A young Catholic couple, Patrick and Bernadette, were on their way to the church to get married. Sadly their lives were cut cruelly short by a road traffic accident just before they would have reached their destination.

Nevertheless they’d lived good and decent lives, so naturally in an instant they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter as he reviewed a clipboard to confirm their names were on the list.

As they stood there, Patrick said to St Peter, “Will it still be possible for us to get married in Heaven?

To be honest, I’m not sure”, said St Peter. “Believe it or not, this has never happened before. If you’ll bear with me, I will check it out for you.

With that St Peter disappeared.

So Patrick and Bernadette sat down on a nearby golden bench and they waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. They waited so long that a couple of months passed.

Naturally in that time they chatted about their future and the challenges of being married and the fact that many of their friends who’d married found it wasn’t always forever. Circumstances often change and relationships can suffer.

Eventually St Peter reappeared looking a little flustered.

Well”, said St Peter, “I have some good news for you both. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you will be to get married here in Heaven.”

Oh, that’s great!” said Bernadette enthusiastically.

Patrick wasn’t quite so enthusiastic in his reaction though.

St Peter, I was just wondering”, said Patrick, “If we were to marry and things didn’t work out, would we be able to divorce in Heaven?”

St Peter’s response suggested that he was irritated by Patrick’s question, as he slammed his clipboard angrily on the ground.

St Peter, what’s the matter?” Bernadette enquired.

Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” said St Peter. “It’s taken me almost three months to find a priest here in Heaven. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?

2. Age problems:

Jim was 85 years old and he’d been playing golf every single day since he’d retired from work 20 years earlier.

One day Jim arrives home from golf and he’s obviously in an agitated state.

What’s the matter dear?” his wife, Mabel enquired.

I’m going to give up golf”, Jim responded. “My eyesight is now so bad that once I hit the ball I just can’t see where it’s gone.”

Mabel can see Jim’s really upset so she tries to be as sympathetic as possible.

Oh don’t worry dear. Let me make you a nice cup of coffee. You’ll feel better after that I’m sure”, she says.

As they both sit down with the coffee, Mabel says suddenly, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Next time you play golf you could take my brother Sid with you.

But Mabel, how will that help?” says Jim, “Sid is 98!

Yes”, says Mabel, “but he still has perfect eyesight. He can be your eyes when you play.

So Jim agrees it’s probably worth a try and he makes arrangements with Sid for the next day.

The next day Jim heads off to the country club with Sid.

At the first tee, Jim tees up with an almighty swing and he then squints down the fairway trying to see where his ball has gone.

Sid, did you see where my ball went?” asks Jim.

Sure!” says Sid. “I still have perfect eyesight.”

Jim waited momentarily, anticipating some further information from Sid but he got nothing.

So where did it go then?” asks Jim.

Sid looked at him a little confused and then said, “Where did what go?

3. One kiss:

Alice was an attractive young woman and she was shopping in a department store looking to buy material for a dress she was making.

At the fabric counter she spotted some suitable material and said to the young male clerk behind the counter, “What’s the cost of this material please?”

Well miss the price for that is just one kiss per yard,” replied the clerk, with a confident grin on his face.

That’s fine,” said Alice. “I’ll take ten yards please.”

Well the clerk couldn’t believe his luck. He quickly measured out the cloth, folded it carefully, wrapped it up, then teasingly held the package out to Alice.

She in turn accepted the package, smiled and then, pointing to the elderly man behind her, she said, “My grandpa will settle the bill.

And with that she proceeded to browse at the next counter.

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these hilarious short story jokes dear reader then please share them on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 very funny jokes to get you smiling

1. Store policy:

The store manager overheard her sales assistant saying to an elderly customer, “No mam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.

Alarmed by what she’d heard, the store manager rushed over to the elderly lady as she was leaving the store and said, “Mam, I am so sorry, the information you were given was incorrect. We will actually have some very soon. We’ve placed an order today.

The elderly lady gave the store manager a slightly puzzled look, but then just smiled and left the store.

The store manager then walked back over to her sales assistant and said very sternly, “You must never say that we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we have it on order and we expect it any day. Do you understand me?

Yes, mam!” responded the sales assistant.

So what was it the old lady was asking for?” enquired the store manager.

Rain”, responded her sales assistant.

2. Bad news:

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.

Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked Dan.

“No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt”, responded the physician.

3. Embarrassing situations:

By nature Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes of this woman and eventually he plucked up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

Hello I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was going on.

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he’d finished his drink.

However a couple of minutes later the attractive woman walked over to him and apologised.

I’m really sorry”, she said. “I’m a PhD student at Harvard and I’m doing research on how people respond in embarrassing situations.

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?

Polite request:

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love

1. Young Johnny:

Young Johnny wanted desperately to get a set of drums for his birthday.

His parents weren’t keen on the idea but his grandparents being grandparents couldn’t resist bringing a smile to his face and they bought him the drums.

Gee thanks, this is the best present I’ve ever had”, said Johnny excitedly, when his grandparents gave their gift.

A week later his grandad came to visit and he was asking Johnny how he was getting on with playing the drums.

They’ve already earned me over a $100”, said Johnny

Wow”, said grandad, “you must be getting really good at playing them.”

Not really”, said Johnny, “but mum gives me $10 each day for not playing them during the day and dad gives me $10 a day for not playing them in the evening.”

2. The Violin Recital:

Bill had been invited round to his neighbour’s house to listen to a violin recital being given by the neighbour’s son.

They listened intently for 30 minutes and at the end of the recital the neighbour looked at Bill and said, “What do you think?

Well, if I’m honest”, said Bill, “he reminds me of Jamie Callum.”

Really?” said the neighbour, “I didn’t even know Jamie Callum could play the violin.”

He can’t”, said Bill, “and neither can your son.”

3. A healthy diet:

Jim and Mildred, both in their 90s, were killed suddenly when the bus they were on crashed in bad weather.

This was sad because they’d been in excellent health due to a strict regime of eating only healthy foods, abstaining from drinking alcohol, plenty of exercise and watching their weight.

When St Peter welcomed them, he showed them around the first class facilities now available to them in Heaven.

Jim was really impressed with the beautiful scenery, the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

This place is really amazing”, said Jim.

That’s not all,” said St Peter, “let me show you around our five-star restaurant.”

He then led them into the most amazing restaurant with a sumptuous buffet serving every type of delicious food you could imagine.

Where’s the low fat table?” asked Jim.

Oh you don’t need to worry about that anymore”, said St Peter. “You can eat anything you like now. You can eat as much as you like too. Drink wine; drink beer as well. None of it will affect you. You’re in Heaven now!

Jim suddenly became quite irritated and he threw his hat to the ground.

What’s the problem?” asked St Peter.

Mildred”, Jim snapped, “if you hadn’t insisted on that ghastly diet of All Bran, Tofu, lentils and oatmeal, we could have been here 10 years ago!

Polite request:

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Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Here are 5 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

1. The Deaf Debt Collector:

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses subject to their protection racket.

As they were feeling the heat from the Police, they decided to use someone deaf for the job. If someone deaf gets caught, they figured that he wouldn’t be able to communicate easily with the Police.

In his first week on the job the deaf debt collector picks up over $50,000. That’s a lot of money he thinks and the deaf debt collector’s greed gets the better of him. He decides to keep the money and he stashes it in a safe place.

However it’s not long before the Mafia realises that the collection is late and they send out a couple of heavies to look for the deaf debt collector.

They soon find him and they ask the deaf debt collector what he’s done with the money. The problem is that deaf debt collector can’t communicate with them either, so the Mafia heavies drag him off to an interpreter.

They get to a sign language interpreter and the leading Mafioso then says, “I want ya to ask him where da money is.

So the interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?

The deaf debt collector tries to bluff his way out of his dilemma by saying, “I don’t know what they’re talking about.

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He’s saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

The Mafioso reaches into his coat and pulls out a .44 Remington Magnum handgun which he points at the forehead of the deaf debt collector and then with real menace in his voice he says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is, and tell him I won’t be askin’ again.

So the interpreter immediately signs, “Where’s the money? He says he won’t ask again and I think he’s serious.

At this point the deaf debt collector’s nerve goes and he signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left by the gate near 72nd Street on Central Park West, and close to Strawberry Fields.

Getting impatient, the Mafioso looks at the interpreter and asks, “What did he say?

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, he thinks you’re a pussy and he doesn’t think you’ve got the balls to pull the trigger!

2. The Balloonist and the Programmer:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and he soon realizes that he’s completely lost.

So he starts reducing height and then he suddenly spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon a little further and then shouts: “Excuse me sir I was wondering, can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.

Taken by surprise, the man looks up and replies “Yeah, that’s easy. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field.

You must work in IT. I’m guessing you work as a programmer?” says the balloonist.

I do and yes, I am,” replies the man, looking a little surprised, “How did you guess?

Well” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct but it’s of no actual use to anyone.

The programmer smiles and then says, “Ah, you must be the CEO in a business.

Yes, I am” replies the balloonist, “but how could you know that?

That’s easy,” says the programmer. “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met but now it’s my fault.

3. The Tiger, the Man and God:

A man is being chased by a tiger.

He’s running as hard as he can and eventually he gets to the edge of a cliff with the tiger still in hot pursuit.

The man looks over the edge of the cliff and sees a branch growing out of the side of the cliff just a few feet down.

Having little option, the man jumps down and grabs the branch just before the tiger arrives at the cliff edge.

The tiger is growling viciously and pacing backwards and forwards along the cliff edge. The man sighs with relief, as he thinks he’s outsmarted the tiger.

At that moment a little mouse appears from a crevice in the rock and it begins to chew on the branch.

The man looks down to what is a drop of hundreds of feet. If he falls it will surely result in his death. So he looks to the heavens and yelled out, “Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask but please help.

You say you will do anything I ask?” Without it being questioned?” a voice booms from heaven above.

The man is surprised to get an immediate reply to his plea but he yells back, “I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me.

There’s one way to save you but it will take courage and faith,” says the voice from above.

The man can feel the branch begin to weaken as the mouse continues to gnaw at it and he can see the tiger still pacing around growling at the cliff’s edge a few feet above him.

Please, Lord, tell me what I must do and I will do it. Your will is my command,” shouts the man in despair.

All right then, let go of the branch,” the voice from heaven responds.

The man looks down to a fall of hundreds of feet and certain death. He looks up at the hungry tiger a few feet above him and then he looks at the mouse still chewing on the branch.

He then looks up at the heavens again and yells, “Is there no else up there I can speak to?

4. The Genie:

A customer service agent, an administration clerk and their manager are all walking to lunch when they stumble upon an old, antique oil lamp.

Knowing that old oil lamps can often house a genie they enthusiastically rub it in hopeful anticipation.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

I am the genie of the lamp and you can each have one wish,” says the genie.

Me first! Me first!” says the customer service agent. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the customer service agent’s gone.

Me next! Me next!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the administration clerk’s gone

The genie then looks at the manager and says, “OK, I guess it’s your turn now.

I want those two back in the office in exactly 45 minutes,” the manager responds.

Moral of the story: It’s always a good idea to let your boss go first.

5. The Mexican Maid:

A Mexican maid asks for a pay rise from the lady of the house.

The wife is not happy about this, so she decides to talk to the maid about her request for more money.

Now Maria, why do you want more money?” she asks.

Well Señora, there’s tree reasons why I wanna increase,” replies the maid. “The first eez that I iron better than you.

Maria, who said you iron better than me?” responds the wife.

Jor huzban he say so Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?” says the wife. “And what is your second reason?

The second reason eez that I am better cook than you,” Maria responds.

That’s nonsense. Who said you’re a better cook than me?” asks the wife.

Jor hozban deed Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?”  the wife responds, getting increasingly agitated.

The third reason eez that I ama better at sex than you in da bed,” says Maria.

The lady of the house is now angry and through gritted teeth she asks, “And did my husband say that too?

No Señora, the gardener deed,” Maria replies.

OK, how much is it you want?” asks her employer.

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these short story jokes dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

12 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today

Laughter is the best medicine, or so they say. Well I agree with them, whoever they are. We all need a smile or two occasionally. We all need a good laugh. It helps us relax and it relieves stress too. It also reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously. Much as we like to think we’re important, actually we’re no more important than anyone else.

So relax for five minutes because I’m offering you 12 of the funniest jokes in two lines each. These are jokes that will have you howling with laughter. And they’re jokes you’ll want to share with your friends.

Jokes cheer us up and they will cheer your friends up too. So go on, share them but not before you’ve taken five minutes to enjoy them yourself.

Let me also say that these are jokes that I’ve stumbled upon in various places, so I cannot claim credit for them. However I wasn’t able to identify the original authors either. Should you be the author of any of these jokes, or should you know the original author then please let me know. I would welcome the opportunity to add appropriate credits and links to acknowledge the authors.

In the meantime, enjoy them all!

Today’s Jokes:

  • You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
  • You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

 

  • Parallel lines have so much in common
  • It’s a shame they’ll never meet

 

  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
  • Then they call me ugly and poor

 

  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay
  • You have my Word

 

  • I went to an emotional wedding the other day
  • Even the cake was in tiers

 

  • Someone stole my mood ring
  • I don’t know how I feel about that

 

  • I tried to catch fog yesterday
  • Mist

 

  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  • If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

 

  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrow too high
  • She looked surprised

 

  • I threw a boomerang a few years ago
  • I now live in constant fear

 

  • A guy shows up late for work. His boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!”
  • The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8.30?

 

  • To people who say, “My dog is my best friend.”
  • I say, “Your dog may be your best friend but will it pick you up at the airport? I think not.”

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these funny jokes dear reader then please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Whenever I share funny one liners with readers the posts are always very popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader. Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything“.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing but as the car hit 90 mph. suddenly there was the sound of a siren and through his rear view mirror Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.

And momentarily he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However his nerve went when he realised that despite his speed the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license please?

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and to be honest I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend sir.”

And with that he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his mates and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife Liz had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident, with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery and when all the scars had healed everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Polite request:

So did these amusing short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

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