21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile


I love funny one liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown. However I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader. Certainly they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

  1. Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
  2. Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
  3. I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  4. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  5. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  6. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  7. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  8. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  9. You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
  10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  11. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
  12. If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
  13. I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
  14. You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
  15. When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
  16. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
  17. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
  18. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
  19. I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
  20. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  21. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Polite request:

So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

I’ve said this before but it’s true. I get the best reaction from readers with posts that are full of content to make you smile. And that’s natural of course. We all need a good laugh, don’t we?

With that in mind I’ve been trawling the Internet and my personal journals looking for funny witty quotes which I hope you’ll enjoy dear reader.

So here are today’s 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself’ is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realise how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

Polite request:

So did these funny witty quotes amuse you dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Very funny comedy sketch about the Expert in a meeting

If you’re in a professional role then meetings go with the territory, I’m sure you’ll agree?

In fact meetings are probably the bane of your life, I’m sure you’ll probably agree with that too.

Frequently you’re invited to a meeting because your expertise will play an important part in any decisions to be made. You possess knowledge and knowhow that no one else can offer, therefore the meeting needs you to guide them through choppy waters and to keep them away from the rocks of disaster.

It’s nice to be recognised for your expertise of course.

However it is a fact of life that just because you’re the expert, it doesn’t stop everyone else in the meeting thinking that somehow they know more than you.

You’re asked for your opinion and then you’re immediately contradicted.

Essentially you provide a considered response to a question and then immediately your opinion is dismissed. You’re told you’re being too pessimistic or that you’re exaggerating the risks associated with a given approach. Does this sound familiar?

Well here’s a video for all the experts out there who’ve ever had to endure a meeting with non-experts who are unwilling or unable to understand what you’re telling them. I’m sure you’ll know the experience dear reader.

This comedy sketch is hilarious and it does nail an essential truth. People will believe what they want to believe and whatever they believe to be in their interests, regardless of anything they’re told to the contrary.

This video is recommended viewing for anyone in need of a good laugh and it is well worth a few minutes of your time.

Polite request:

So did this video prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

8 hilariously funny jokes that’ll make you scream laughing

If you like your jokes in the form of short stories then you’ll love these hilariously funny jokes. I am confident that these amusing vignettes will have you laughing out loud.

These are some of the best jokes I’ve heard recently. They all made me laugh, so I hope they will brighten your day too.

However remember this; if they make you smile then please share them. Everyone needs a good laugh, so it would be wrong to keep them all to yourself dear reader. So share these hilariously funny jokes with your network on social media please but not before you’ve had a good laugh yourself.

1. National identity:

A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.

Their situation is quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announces, “As enemies of our people, you will all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.

The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!

The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!

The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country. I want it sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell.” Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.

The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained very quiet up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.

The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.

2. Nun outside a Dublin bar:

A guy is walking into a Dublin bar and standing right outside the door is a nun.

Top of the morning to you sister!” says the guy with a smile.

The nun looks at him sternly and says, “Before you enter this den of iniquity please think about your mother and your father.

But sister, my poor mother and father have long since passed away sadly. They’re with the angels now” the guy responds.

Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain” says the nun.

Sister, what are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?” asks the guy.

No! Certainly not!” says the nun.

Then in the name of God sister, how can you say it damages the brain if you’ve never actually had a drink?” asks the guy.

The guy thinks for a minute and then he says, “Listen sister, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in and get you a drink, you can try it and if you don’t like it then you can talk about it. But you can’t talk about something you’ve never even experienced.

The nun says, “Alright, I’ll try a drink.

The guy then says, “So, what’ll you have then?

I don’t know”, says the nun “What do ladies generally drink?

The guy says, “All the ones I know like a glass of gin.

The nun smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll have a gin but get it in a cup so no one will notice.”

So the guy goes into the bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness please bartender and a large gin. But can you put the gin in a cup.

The barman smiles at him and says, “Jeez, is that feckin’ nun hanging around outside again.

3. Life in Hell:

John did his best to lead a good and honest life but sadly, on his passing, he’s allocated a place in Hell.

John arrives at the gates of Hell, a little disappointed and he’s looking fairly despondent when another man walks up to him and says, “Hello I’m Jim, you’re looking a little glum.

To which John replies, “Well, I thought I’d be enjoying a place in heaven right now but nothing ever works out like you think it will, does it?

Seeing John’s not very happy, Jim tries to cheer him up. “Listen buddy, Hell isn’t so bad really.

John says, “Really?

Yeah, really”, says Jim. “Hey, do like beer?

Yes I love beer”, John responds.

Then you’ll love Fridays here in Hell. Every Friday is beer day. We drink gallons and gallons of beer all day long. There’s no limit, you can drink as much as you like”, says Jim.

Doesn’t that make you sick and give you a terrible hangover?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like drugs?

Well, I did smoke a little Mary Jane in my College days”, says John.

Then you’ll love Saturdays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Saturday we smoke marijuana all day long. We smoke doobies as big as submarines. It’s fantastic.

Doesn’t that make you sick?” asks John

No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Do you like food?

Sure, who doesn’t like food? I love food,” says John.

Then you’re going to love Sundays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Sunday they roast Ox; a whole one for each of us. We stuff ourselves with roast Ox and all the trimmings all day long. In Hell we do everything to excess and doing everything to excess is mandatory here. We’re dead, so no worries.

Wow!” says John. “Hell actually sounds like a really fun place.

It does, doesn’t it?” Jim responds.

Hey, are you Gay?” Jim then asks.

No”, says John “I love sex with women.

Jim frowns and says, “Hmm, in that case you’ll hate Mondays.

4. Unrealistic expectations:

A recent engineering graduate is having an interview for his first job with a big technology company.

The young graduate is fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and he’s clearly very impressed with himself.

As the interview is nearing an end the Human Resources officer asks him, “So John, what are your expectations in terms of a starting salary?

The young graduate replies, “Well I’d be looking for something in the region of $125,000 a year. However the exact figure I’d accept would depend on the benefits package.

His interviewer smiles and says, “Well John, what would you say to 5 weeks annual vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental cover, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, plus a company car, say a Ford Mustang GT?

The young graduate engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?

The HR officer replies, “Yes of course I am John, but you started it.

5. Bus full of ugly people:

A bus full of ugly people is involved in a head on collision with a truck and all the passengers are killed.

They all arrive in heaven and, feeling sorry for them, God decides they can each have one wish.

A woman is the first person and she says, “I want to be gorgeous.

So God snaps his fingers and suddenly she is stunningly attractive.

A man is next and he makes a similar request. “I want to be handsome” he says.

This goes on with each passenger in turn essentially making the same request. They all want to be irresistibly good looking.

With a number of passengers yet to express their wish, God notices that the last man in the line who has also yet to make a request is laughing hysterically.

By the time God gets to the last few people, the last man in the line is laughing uncontrollably and he’s rolling around on the ground.

When it comes to his turn the man laughs some more and then says, “I wish they’re all ugly again.

Moral of the story: In any group there’s always one person hell bent on making life difficult for everyone else.

6. The warrior and the old man:

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.

Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.

Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?

The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.

The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water! You realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However I must find water first.

Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.

7. The magic trick:

Two broke and hungry friends, Bill and George walk into a pastry shop in Manhattan.

As the baker’s back is turned, Bill grabs three cookies quickly and stuffs them in his trouser pocket with lightning speed.

The baker’s back is still turned, so he doesn’t notice.

Bill smiles at George, winks his eye and says, “Did you see that? Did you see how clever I was there? You’ll never beat that will you?

Really? You think so? Watch this.” George replies.

He then says to the baker, “If you’ll give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick. And I promise you, you’ll be impressed.

So the baker hands him a cookie which George then eats.

Then George says to the baker: “I’ll need another cookie from you for my magic trick to work.

The baker is a bit suspicious but he gives George another cookie. Once again he eats the cookie.

Then George says, “I’m really sorry but I’ll need one more cookie if this trick is to work.

The baker is really not amused by now and he says, “Is this some kind of joke?

George assures him the trick is genuine and all will be revealed after the next Cookie. So the baker gives him another cookie which George promptly eats, once again.

The baker is starting to get mad and he yells, “So where’s the magic?

George points at Bill and then says: “You’ll find three cookies in this guy’s pocket. That’s magic!

8. A woman golfing:

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady, if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

Now who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?

Well” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.

Then for her first wish she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?

For her second wish the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

 

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

 

 

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

Don’t forget to share these hilariously funny jokes:

If you’ve enjoyed these hilariously funny jokes then please share them with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018

35 one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile

Life? Don’t talk to me about life!

Older readers may remember, that was the expression made famous by Marvin the paranoid android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally when we experience life’s more challenging moments.

However positive we are, life can get the better of us sometimes.

So here are some one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile or two as I’m sure they will resonate with readers.

Life can be absurd at times and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears. Nevertheless our aim must be to remain positive and to do that we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously. Just laugh as much as you can and that is the perfect counter-balance to Life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners which I’ve collected together to amuse and entertain.

One-liners about life:

  1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  2. Life is a terminal disease.
  3. Youth is wasted on the young.
  4. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  6. It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  7. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
  8. Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
  9. Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
  10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  11. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  12. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  13. I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  14. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  15. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  16. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
  17. Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
  18. As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
  19. Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
  20. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  21. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
  22. You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
  23. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
  24. Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  25. If I was doin’ any better, I’d have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!
  26. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  27. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  28. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  29. I thought I wanted a career but I realise now that I just wanted a decent income.
  30. Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
  31. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  32. Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
  33. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
  34. Smile. Some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way you win.
  35. The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

Polite request:

So dear reader, did these one-liners about life make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

DISCLAIMER: This post contains an Amazon affiliate link, which means should you make a purchase via this link then we will receive a small commission. There will be no additional cost to you as the purchaser. Such commissions serve only to cover the cost of maintaining this website. Your understanding is appreciated. Thank you.

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny jokes that won’t offend but will amuse

1. Father Murphy:

Father Murphy struggles to greet the wedding guests at the entrance to St Bernadette’s Church.

He doesn’t say much and he looks very uncomfortable but the congregation know him to be a bit shy.

As the bride arrives, Father Murphy makes his way to the altar and, as the couple approach, he gives the best speech anyone has ever heard.

Not only is it an excellent speech, full of wisdom and insight but he appears to be confident and he has everyone rolling on the floor laughing.

After the couple have made their vows and everyone is leaving, Father Murphy steps down from the altar and once again he becomes tongue-tied and shy and barely says a word to anyone.

Feeling a little sorry for him, the groom says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking Father, but why are you so shy now? You seemed like a different person when you were up there giving that speech earlier.

I know“, Father Murphy responded, “but that was just my altar ego.”

2. Running out of gas:

Gerry is driving down the freeway when he runs out of gas.

He’s sitting there in the driver’s seat wondering what to do next when a bee flies in through his window.

What seems to be your problem?” asks the bee.

I’ve run out of gas“, Gerry replies.

That’s unfortunate”, says the bee. “However if you wait here I can help you.

The bee then flies off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all fly into his gas tank, leaving Gerry wondering exactly what’s going on.

After a few minutes, the swarm flies off and the bee says to Gerry, “Try it now.

Gerry turns his ignition key and his car fires into action immediately.

Wow!” Gerry exclaims. “What did you put in the gas tank?

The bee smiles and says, “BP, of course.

3. The lion enclosure:

It’s Jim’s first day on the job as apprentice zoo keeper at London Zoo.

His boss wants to ease him into his duties gently so Jim’s given the fish to look after.

Unfortunately Jim gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals and he manages to kill all the fish.

Worried that the mistake might cost him his job, Jim decides it might be easier to cover it up by gathering all the now-dead-fish together and throwing them into the lion enclosure when no-one’s looking.

After lunch Jim’s boss asks him to feed the chimpanzees.

Unfortunately once again by mistake Jim gives them all the wrong food and manages to kill them off too.

Again he’s worried that he could lose the job he only started that very morning. So he decides on another cover up. Once again Jim dumps all the bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no-one’s looking.

Well two major mistakes in one day was a little embarrassing, so in late afternoon Jim decides to sneak off early before he could do anything else wrong.

Sadly another disaster was waiting to happen.

When reversing his car he managed to back it into the apiary and in doing so crushed all the bees.

Left with little option Jim executed yet another cover up. He scooped up the crushed bees and again through them all into the lion enclosure.

Jim then jumps into his car and heads for home.

The next day, the zoo has a new arrival. It’s a new lion transferred from Whipsnade Zoo.

What’s it like here then?” the new lion asks the others in the lion enclosure.

Not bad“, one replies, “there’s less space here than Whipsnade but the food’s good. Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.

Polite request:

So dear reader, did these funny jokes that won’t offend anyone make you laugh?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 hilariously funny story jokes to make you laugh

1. Immaculate conception:

Jenny Smith accompanies her 15-year-old daughter Caitlyn to the doctor.

Good evening Mrs Smith”, says the doctor, “how can I be of help today?

Well Doctor Morgan, it’s my daughter Caitlyn”, says Mrs Smith, “she’s putting on weight, she’s being sick in the mornings and she keeps getting these cravings.”

The kindly doctor smiles and then says, “Right then let me take a look at her.”

He then examines Caitlyn thoroughly before turning to her mother and saying, “Well, I’m not quite sure how to break this news to you Mrs Smith but your daughter is pregnant. Probably about three months gone, I would estimate.

Jenny Smith is shocked. “Pregnant?” she says to the doctor.

Yes mam”, the doctor responds.

But how can that be?” says Mrs Smith. “She doesn’t even have a boyfriend. Do you Caitlyn?

No mom, I don’t” Caitlyn responds nervously. “I’ve never even kissed a boy and I’m still a virgin.

Doctor Morgan walks across to the window in his surgery and starts gazing out into the evening sky.

A few minutes pass before Mrs Smith feels compelled to say, “What’s the problem doctor is something wrong out there?

No, not really”, Doctor Morgan replies, “but the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men arrived on camels to witness the event. That’s definitely a spectacle I didn’t want to miss.

2. If a job matters, don’t leave it to a man:

Gloria is getting increasingly concerned that her 3 year old son Billy looks completely different to both her and her husband Jeff.

So she decides to take Billy for a DNA test.

The results from the DNA test reveal that Billy is actually from completely different parents.

So when Jeff arrives home from work, Gloria says, “Honey, I’ve got something really serious to tell you.

Why? What’s wrong?” Jeff responds.

Well”, says Gloria, “according to DNA test results, Billy is not our child.

To which Jeff responds, “Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, ‘Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here’.”

3. You can’t outsmart an old dog:

An old dog strays into a jungle and gets himself completely lost.

A hungry lion basking in the sun spots the old dog from a distance and thinks to himself “I’ve not seen this type of animal before but he sure looks edible.”

The lion then gets up and starts moving slowly towards the old dog, gradually picking up pace before he then sprints towards the dog with real menace in his eyes.

The old dog sees the charging lion and naturally he starts to panic. Who wouldn’t panic in the circumstances?

However the old dog is also very smart and he realises he cannot outrun the lion. So having noticed some bones next to him on the ground he picks one up and starts chewing at it.

As the lion gets close, he then says loudly, “Hmmmm, now that was some excellent lion meat!

Hearing this comment stops the lion in his tracks.

The lion stares at the old dog thinking, “This old fella must be a lot tougher than he looks. It’s might be a good idea to leave him alone.

A monkey in a nearby tree sees what’s happened and recognises that the old dog has managed to fool the lion.

Naturally the monkey thinks that this is a situation he might be able to exploit to his advantage.

So he goes over to the lion and tells him exactly what happened, in the hope that he might just get something in return.

The lion is angry that he’s fallen for the old dog’s deception, so he says to the monkey, “Get on my back now and we’ll get him together. We’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget“.

So with the monkey on his back, the lion once again start rushing in the old dog’s direction.

Despite his advancing years, the old dog is quick to spot them and realizes what’s happened. He starts to panic again before he quickly gets another idea.

He then starts to act like he’s searching for something until they get close and then to ensure they hear him he shouts loudly, “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago.

Polite request:

So dear reader, did these hilariously funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

You’ll love these 4 clever and very funny international commercials

When it comes to watching television, I find the commercials are usually much better than everything else. Would you agree dear reader?

I love clever commercials and I like funny commercials too. And the best commercials combine clever and funny. These really punch above their weight.

Well dear reader, if like me you enjoy clever and amusing commercials then I think you might enjoy these ones in the embedded video.

These are not new commercials but you will enjoy them I’m sure.

They made me smile, so I hope they brighten up your day too.

4 clever and very funny international commercials:

Polite request:

So dear reader, did these funny international commercials make you laugh?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny story jokes to make you chuckle

How to impress the girl of your dreams:

Young Josh is a 16 year old, shy and socially awkward guy constantly dreaming of dating a girl, like most young men of his age.

As luck would have it the real object of his affections lives right next door to him. Her name’s Charlene, she’s slim, attractive, cultured and perfectly poised.

However poor Josh is a little too bashful to engage her in conversation.

Nevertheless that doesn’t stop him watching her dreamily from his bedroom window as she wanders across her yard each morning.

One day Josh’s father notices him watching Charlene from his bedroom window.

Josh if you like the girl, why not say hello to her?” says his Dad.

Oh Dad, I’m not very good at talking to girls, I never quite know what to say to them”, Josh responds.

Look son”, says his dad, “girls just like you to take an interest in them and what they’ve been doing. Just ask her about what she’s been doing.

The following day Josh sees Charlene wander across her yard, heading towards the john at the end of her garden.

Desperate to impress her and thinking he’s spotted an ideal opportunity to follow his Dad’s advice, Josh rushes outside to catch her attention as she’s returning to the house.

Encouraged when Charlene flashes him a smile, Josh is convinced that this is his opportunity impress to her.

And then he hears himself say, “Been taking a dump then, Charlene?

The man and the penguins:

Police officer Maguire is sitting in his patrol car by the side of the freeway when he sees a guy drive past him in a pickup truck which is full of penguins.

With blue lights flashing, Officer Maguire chases after the pickup truck and he pulls the guy over.

Sir, you do know that penguins are a protected species and you can’t drive them around like this in this town?” says Officer Maguire. “I suggest you take them to the zoo.

Having given the guy a polite warning, Officer Maguire then lets him go on his way.

The very next day Officer Maguire is in his patrol car again when he sees the same man still driving around with the penguins and this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.

So Officer Maguire pulls the guy over once again and he says to him, “Hey buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday.

I did”, the man replies, “and today I’m taking them to the beach.

Children and their teacher:

It’s the end of the school year and the popular kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from the children in her class.

She asks them to each bring their gift to the front, one at a time.

First up is the florist’s son. He proudly hands her his neatly wrapped gift and she thanks him and smiles.

She then gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily and then says, “I bet I know what this is. Some flowers?

That’s right”, says the boy, “but how did you know?

Oh, it’s just a lucky guess“, says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the sweet shop owner’s daughter.

Once again the teacher gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily and then says, “I bet I know what this is. It’s a box of sweets?

That’s right”, says the little girl, “but how did you know?

Oh, it’s just a lucky guess“, says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the son of the liquor store owner.

As before the teacher holds the gift-wrapped package above her head momentarily but it’s leaking.

So she touches a drop of the slightly yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

“Is it a Chardonnay?” asks the teacher.

No!” the boy replies, a little excited in anticipation of her response.

Once again the teacher touches the leaking, yellowy liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

Perhaps it’s Champagne?” she suggests.

No!” the boy replies, even more excited than before.

So the teacher has one more quick taste of the liquid before saying, “Alright then, I give up, you’ve got me on his one. What is it?

With a beaming smile and great excitement the boy says, “It’s a puppy!

Polite request:

So for you dear reader, did these funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 funny stories that make you laugh until you cry

1. Patrick’s doppelgänger:

Mick is the bartender is a Dublin bar and Patrick is sitting at the counter drinking. Suddenly Patrick says to Mick, “You see that guy over there? Don’t you think he looks just like me?

Yes he does”, says Mick humouring him.

Patrick then walks over to his doppelgänger and says, “Excuse me sir, but I couldn’t help noticing that you and I look so much alike.

You’re right, we really do look alike”, says the guy.

Where are you from?” asks Patrick.

I’m from Rathmines” says the guy.

Which street?” Patrick then asks.

Mayo Abbey Street” says the guy.

Mayo Abbey Street?” says Patrick. “Now that’s incredible. That’s my street too. What number?

I live at 47” the guy responds.

47?” says Patrick. “I don’t believe it! Me too! What are your parents’ names?

Thomas and Bernadette” says the guy.

That’s unbelievable” Patrick responds. “My parents have the same names.

Just then Mick’s colleague Jim arrives on shift.

How’s it going Mick?” says Jim. “Has there been much happening tonight?

Not really” Mick responds, “oh, except for the O’Donnell twins being drunk again.”

2. Pumping out the tank:

A C-5 Galaxy military transport aircraft is being prepared for departure at a US Air Force base in Greenland.

The crew’s waiting for a truck to arrive so that the aircraft’s sewage tank can be pumped out.

Nothing’s going quite to plan and the aircraft commander is growing impatient.

When the truck eventually shows up, the airman carrying out the pumping task on the tank is extremely slow and seems to take an age.

Eventually the commander has had enough and he snaps and threatens to punish the airman for being so slow.

Sir, I have no stripes, it’s twenty five below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland miles from civilization, and I’m pumping sewage.” the airman responds. “What could you possibly do that would punish me further?

3. The artist:

An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any interest in any of the paintings he currently has on display.

Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you”, the owner replies.

What’s the good news?” asks the artist.

Well a gentleman enquired about your work and he asked me whether the paintings would appreciate in value after your death”, says the owner.

Really?” enquires the artist.

Yes, and when I told him they would he bought all thirty of your paintings” the owner continued.

Wow, that’s fantastic news!” says the artist. “So what’s the bad news?

The gentleman said he was your doctor” the owner responds.

Polite request:

So for you dear reader, did these prove to be funny stories that make you laugh until you cry?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

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