If you’re looking for some bad jokes that are funny and will make you smile, then here are 47 original jokes, written just for you, and which I hope you will enjoy.
Please feel free to pass them on.
Bad jokes that are funny (1–10):
I was asked whether I knew Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. What could I say? I didn’t even know Lincoln had a home in Gettysburg.
Have you heard about the new cookbook just published? It’s written by a well-known television adventurer and survival expert. It has some great tips for cooking meat on a campfire when you’re stuck in the jungle. The book’s called Bear Grills.
I had tickets to see a play at Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London. I was excited until my boss said I had to work late on some project that I thought was a crock of that which stinks. I told him I’d lose my money if I didn’t go. He told me I’d lose my job if I didn’t work late. “That’s not fair,” I said. He smiled and said, “Well, it looks like you’re stuck between a crock and the Bard’s place.”
Did you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar? There was a warning sign, but he wasn’t paying attention.
I was leaving the subway at 42nd Street when I stumbled. I reached out and grabbed a pole. The guy wasn’t happy, and he started swearing at me in his own language.
Imagine my dilemma. It’s late at night, dark, and I’m walking alone along 9th Avenue through Hell’s Kitchen. Suddenly, I’m confronted by a sinister guy with a bat in his hand. It was tense, I can tell you, but then the bat flew off, and the guy went chasing after it.
The health inspector was inspecting the kitchen in the restaurant I managed, and he said he’d found a live beetle under the refrigerator. “Which one?” I said, “Paul or Ringo?”
When I was in school, I got into trouble for truancy. As it wasn’t the first time, I was told the principal would throw the book at me. She did. It was the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
I asked a girl in the office for a date. She said she didn’t have any, but she did ask whether I’d like one of the figs from her lunchbox.
The receptionist walked into my office, and she was shouting that she had an axe to grind. I told her that wasn’t something we dealt with in the Accounts Department.
Bad jokes that are funny (11–20):
My boss asked me whether I could date the letter he had in his hand, but I told him I preferred to date girls.
They asked me if I could play a bass. No, I said, but I can cook a mean seabream.
My mother asked me whether I’d received a letter at school today. “Yes,” I said, “I got a D in Science.”
My boss told me that I had a chip on my shoulder. Well, it might seem a bit odd, but there’s no law against using Pringles to accessorize your clothes.
The other day, I went down to the river, and there was a gang fight between a shoal of Carp and a shoal of Perch. I couldn’t quite comprehend what I was seeing until another angler said, “We’re fishing in troubled waters.”
Two electrons were the best of buddies. Well, why wouldn’t they be when they were both on the same wavelength?
My friend said, “I need help. Can I tap you for $1,000?” I said, “For $1,000, you can hit me over the head with a baseball bat.”
I’ve just read a statistic that suggests 65% of bald men still carry a comb. They just can’t part with it.
It was a cold night, and I was on the Staten Island Ferry, standing on deck, gazing out at the Statue of Liberty. A guy approached me, waving an unlit cigarette, and he said, “Got a light, Mac?” I smiled and said, “No, but can I offer you a dark brown overcoat?”
I was in a coffee shop in Manhattan, and I couldn’t get the Wi-Fi to work. I asked the girl behind the counter to help me. She said it was faulty, and I’d have to pretend it was 1973. So, I gave her a dime for my coffee and lit up a cigarette.
Bad jokes that are funny (21-30):
When my wife came down to breakfast, she asked what was left. Apparently, the opposite of right wasn’t helpful.
We were in the garden, and my wife said she was looking for a pole. She wasn’t amused when I asked, “Which one, north or south?”
I’ve just seen a twelve-inch ruler. You wouldn’t think someone so small could become a nation’s monarch, would you?
I was looking forward to my lunch date, but my friends just dismissed it as a sweet Middle Eastern fruit.
How was my trip? Let me tell you, how was my trip? I fell flat on my face and broke my nose.
Did you know that the song overwhelmingly voted favourite by textile workers everywhere is Die Another Day?
At the job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure. “No,” I said, “but I could probably do a passable version of Bohemian Rhapsody.”
The questionnaire asked whether I liked rock. It wasn’t obvious whether they meant riff-driven popular music or the famous sweet confectionery from Blackpool.
I’m so old that I can remember when the Super Bowl was just the slightly inflated bowl.
This morning, I noticed I had a large mole on my back. How it got in from the garden, I’ll never know.
Bad jokes that are funny (30–40):
I started work on a construction site, and the foreman asked me whether I was familiar with boring. “Sure!” I said. “I can be as boring as the best of them.”
My wife said she was looking for a ruler. Apparently, you’ll find King Charles in Buckingham Palace, wasn’t helpful.
When the waitress served my toast this morning, she asked me what I thought of the jam. “They’re okay,” I said, “but I prefer the Electric Light Orchestra.”
I asked a friend could he recommend a small arms manufacturer. He said, “Have you tried Smith & Wesson?” I said, “I didn’t even know they made prosthetic limbs for young children.”
A girl in the office received a bunch of flowers this morning with all the heads cut off. I think she might have a stalker.
On a day out in the country, I walked into a wood. That’s nice, you might think. Well, before long, I’d walked into a Smith, a Jones, and a Barrington-Smyth too. I really must get my eyes tested.
My wife asked me if I knew her favourite flower. Recognizing a loaded question, I thought about it very carefully before I responded. Then I said, “Self-raising?” She hasn’t spoken to me since.
Teacher: Give me a sentence that includes the words defence, defeat, and detail. Little Johnny: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
We were walking through Central Park when my wife shouted, “Duck!” Naturally, I dipped my head as I looked up for an airborne obstacle. That was when I tripped over a large Wood duck, fell flat on my face, and broke my nose. The Moral of the Story: Consider your wife’s advice carefully before acting.
Dr Rivera was a trauma specialist in A&E known for his insensitive bedside manner. One day, a casualty was brought in following a gas explosion. The patient’s wife arrived and asked the doctor, “Can you tell me whether my husband will have any long-term effects from the explosion?” Dr Rivera thought about her question momentarily and then said, “At this stage, all I can say with certainty is that he’ll be no good in a Mexican wave.
Bad jokes that are funny (40–47):
I keep seeing signs which read, Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted. I don’t know what he’s done but this guy Posters must be one bad boy.
The guy asked me whether I knew Centre Parcs. “No,” I said, “but I think I know his brother Bill.”
I applied for a job as security staff in a nightclub, and at the interview, they asked me if I knew martial arts. “I don’t think so,” I said. “What’s his first name?”
I used a computer in the local library to order something online. When I was done, my wife asked if I’d cleared the cache. “Why?” I said. “I used my credit card.”
We were going clothes shopping, and my wife suggested I buy a jacket. I said, “Great idea! Let’s go to Spud-u-Like.”
A drunken scouser staggers into a public house on Lime Street with a large, beautiful, brightly-coloured Scarlet Macaw on his shoulder. The drunk staggers up to the bar, and the bartender says, “Wow, where did you get that?” “Oh,” says the macaw, “Lime Street’s full of them at this time of night.”
A guy is standing at the Gates of Hell, waiting to be admitted. As he waits his turn, he’s unimpressed with what he sees of his surroundings. Eventually, he gets to the front of the line, and the Devil is standing there with a clipboard. “Hey,” he says to the Devil, “this place stinks. You really expect us all to put up with this?” The Devil pauses momentarily, smiles and then says, “Lighten up, buddy!” It’ll only feel like an eternity.”
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